Here are ten reasons why people tell me they stay in bad relationships.
The human capacity for love and companionship often leads individuals to seek and invest in romantic relationships. However, not all relationships are healthy or fulfilling.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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The human capacity for love and companionship often leads individuals to seek and invest in romantic relationships. However, not all relationships are healthy or fulfilling. Many people find themselves trapped in what are commonly referred to as bad relationships. These relationships are characterized by emotional turmoil, toxicity, and a general sense of unhappiness.
Surprisingly, many individuals choose to remain in such relationships, despite the evident harm they cause. Are you one of those people? Here are ten reasons why people tell me they stay in these relationships.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
One of the most significant psychological factors that keep people in bad relationships is the fear of loneliness. Humans are inherently social beings, and the prospect of being alone can be daunting. Individuals in unhealthy relationships often believe that any relationship is better than none at all. This fear of loneliness can lead them to stay with a partner who is unsuitable or even abusive.
The emotional pain of loneliness can sometimes feel worse than the pain experienced in a bad relationship, causing people to prioritize companionship over their well-being. What I try to explain to my patients is that being alone provides the opportunity to seek out people and environments where you truly belong and will enrich your life. When you stay in unhealthy dynamics, they tend to consume all your time and energy, making it a much slower and more difficult process to move forward.
Low self-esteem is another psychological factor that can keep individuals in bad relationships. People with low self-esteem may believe they are unworthy of love or incapable of finding a better partner. They may accept mistreatment or neglect because they feel they don't deserve anything better. This self-doubt can be deeply ingrained, making it difficult for them to break free from the cycle of abuse or unhappiness.
Most of us have had moments or entire decades where low self-esteem was the main course. This is when I like to remind people that feelings are not facts. You may feel like you’re unworthy, but staying in an unhealthy relationship is only going to confirm that optional reality for you. And it is, in most cases, optional. However, you could choose another option for your reality, which is to see if people do exist who could treat you better. In fact, you could do this crazy thing called setting boundaries and see where you end up.
The concept of investment bias, also known as the "sunk cost fallacy," plays a significant role in why people stay in bad relationships. This bias refers to the tendency to continue investing time, effort, and resources into something (in this case, a relationship) even when it is clear that those investments are not yielding positive returns. People often believe that because they have already invested so much in their current relationship, it makes sense to continue trying to make it work, even if the relationship is fundamentally flawed.
I can already hear you all saying, “But Dr. Johnson, I’ve been with her/him/they for x-number of years” and I’m going to stop you right there and give you a visual that I find helpful. When I think about sunk cost fallacy, I think about a literal sinkhole. Have you ever seen a sinkhole? It’s a hole in the ground that keeps swallowing up everything you throw into it. I mean you could drop a jet plane in this hole and it will slowly envelop it until there is nothing left. Do you want your relationship to be a sinkhole?
Change can be scary and uncertain, even when it means leaving a bad relationship. Individuals may fear the unknown, worrying about how they will adapt to life without their partner, their daily routines, or their shared assets. The fear of change can paralyze someone in a bad relationship, as they prefer the perceived stability of an unhappy partnership over the uncertainty of a future on their own.
Someone may also be dependent on their partner, either financially, emotionally, or both. Financial dependency occurs when one partner relies on the other for financial support, making it challenging to leave without financial security. Emotional dependency, on the other hand, involves relying on a partner for self-worth, happiness, or validation. In both cases, the fear of losing this dependency can keep individuals in bad relationships, even when it is clear that they would be better off alone.
If you’ve found yourself in a dynamic where someone uses financial leverage against you, you may not be able to immediately walk away from the relationship. It may be important to speak with trusted others to create a reasonable exit plan for yourself. In terms of emotional dependency, you may want to consider engaging in more acts of self-care and ensuring that you have a well-rounded support network.
Many people stay in bad relationships because they hold onto hope that their partner will change. They may believe that the love they once shared can be rekindled or that their partner's negative behavior will eventually improve. This hope for change can be reinforced by moments of kindness or affection from the partner, creating a cycle of hope and disappointment that keeps the individual in the relationship.
It is true that in relationships about 69% of the things that tick you off will be around no matter what. However, in this scenario, we want to consider a couple of different factors. Does this behavior or problem go against my innate human rights—for example, abusive behavior–or highly desired preferences–such as having children? Do we have healthy systems in place to manage conflict?
When it comes to highly desired preferences, such as kids, it’s likely they are not on the same page as you about this topic which means you may need to make a decision about how you move forward in life. For everything else, you are looking to see if the person has made reasonable modifications and engages in appropriate conflict resolution with you. For instance, if I am dealing with a person who is perpetually late, at some point I have to accept that as a part of who they are. When looking over the course of the relationship, I may see strategies we have implemented over time to reduce being late or the impact of lateness, but they may always struggle with punctuality.
Social and family pressures can also play a significant role in why people stay in bad relationships. External expectations and societal norms can lead individuals to feel obligated to stay in a relationship, especially if they have been together for a long time or are married. Family members and friends may encourage them to "stick it out" or "work things out" rather than end the relationship.
Additionally, emotional attachment can be a powerful force that keeps people in bad relationships. Even if a relationship is unhealthy or abusive, the emotional connection developed over time can be incredibly difficult to break. The thought of leaving someone they love or have loved in the past can trigger feelings of grief and loss, which can be overwhelming and paralyzing. It’s called attachment for a reason, when we care about someone, we are naturally motivated to stay or be close to them, and creating distance is painful in the short term. However, this is where having a longer-term mindset is key. I have worked with patients who were devastated over a relationship loss and a few weeks later the pain is manageable or non-existent based on the nature of the relationship.
The fear of judgment and societal stigma can prevent individuals from leaving bad relationships. They may worry about what others will think of them if they end the relationship, especially if it is a long-term partnership or marriage. This fear of being perceived as a failure or facing criticism can be a significant barrier to seeking help or support.
In some cases, people stay in bad relationships because they have been subjected to gaslighting and manipulation by their partners. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which one person makes another person doubt their own perceptions, memories, or sanity. Victims of gaslighting may lose confidence in their judgment and ability to make decisions, making it even harder for them to leave the relationship.
Staying in a bad relationship is a complex issue, and often, it’s not just one psychological factor at fault. Understanding these psychological reasons is crucial for both individuals trapped in bad relationships and those supporting them. Recognizing these factors can help people make informed decisions about their relationships and, when necessary, seek the help and support needed to leave unhealthy partnerships and embark on a path towards greater happiness and well-being.
What factors have kept you in poor relationships? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.