I get so many questions about love and dating in my office and from my listeners on a daily basis that I think it’s time to talk about it.
The three components of love are the building blocks to any relationship, whether that relationship is fulfilling your needs or not. In this episode, learn how these three components interact to create the seven different types of love you can experience.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Do you love love? Do you hate love? Are you ambivalent? I get so many questions about love and dating in my office and from my listeners on a daily basis that I think it’s time to talk about it. If you want to learn about the components of love and how it affects the type of love you’re experiencing, listen up!
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Today we are going to get into Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. Robert Sternberg is a psychologist who proposed a theory of love that consists of three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Based on the combination of these elements, he defined 7 different types of love. Now, I bet you've been running around in these streets, hoping to find that spark, but have you actually thought to spend time learning about how it works and what your actual needs are? Well, today your fairy godpsychologist is going to get you ready for the ball by educating you about matters of the heart. First, we are going to break down the 3 components of love.
Intimacy refers to the emotional connection, closeness, and mutual understanding between individuals. It involves feelings of warmth, trust, and sharing personal thoughts and experiences with each other. A not-so-uncommon mistake that I see in many of my patients is that they try to force intimacy. This is one of the issues with trauma bonding—we attempt to mimic genuine intimacy and trick ourselves into being vulnerable or believing that there is a stronger bond than there actually is.
When you were in junior high or high school, did you ever stay up late on the phone talking about your deepest darkest secrets to someone? And then what happened? After a marathon session of 14 hours on the phone, you probably decided that this was the person you were going to be with for the rest of your life, only to break up 3 days later after a good night’s sleep and after he didn’t share his Dr. Pepper with you. As adults, we can do grown-up versions of all the same things we did when we were younger.
Passionate love encompasses the physical and sexual attraction between partners. It involves intense desire, excitement, and arousal. Passionate love is often characterized by infatuation and a strong emotional response to the other person. When people talk about a “spark,” this is usually what they are referencing.
Here is one of the issues with chasing a spark. Most often people view a spark as a self-sustaining element. What I mean by that is you expect the passion to stay around and burn hot without any effort involved. At times, folks can rely too much on passion and not focus on what is required to sustain a relationship. I’m a country girl that grew up having to gather the components to make a fire on a regular basis and that’s actually a great metaphor for relationships. Think of passion as kindling. You use kindling to get the fire started, but it’s not capable of burning all night. If you want something that is going to actually keep you warm, it’s going to take a lot of work. You’re going to have to cut down trees, you’re going to have to tend to this fire to ensure it doesn’t burn out.
Commitment refers to the decision to maintain a long-term relationship and the willingness to work through challenges and difficulties. It involves dedication, loyalty, and a sense of responsibility towards the relationship.
A common mistake I see often in the commitment zone is that people will choose to commit to people that are not good for them. In general, we see loyalty as a good thing and it is—when it makes sense. However, if you’re in a situation where you are being mistreated or your legitimate needs aren’t being met, you may want to consider if you should focus on your commitment to self over the commitment to the other. To be clear, this is only if you’ve made legitimate attempts to improve the status of your relationship.
Now that we have discussed the 3 components of love, let’s get into the 7 types of love that were proposed by Sternberg’s Theory.
Liking is a type of love that involves intimacy alone. It is characterized by feelings of closeness and warmth towards another person, but without any romantic or sexual attraction. Liking is often seen in friendships and platonic relationships. This type of love is not to be minimized. Occasionally, I will talk to folks who say things like “who cares about friends!” Some of the greatest love stories ever told are about friendship, and should not be discounted.
Infatuation is a type of love that involves passion alone. It is characterized by intense feelings of attraction and desire, but without any emotional intimacy or commitment. Infatuation is often described as a "crush" or a "fling" and may not last very long. When you meet someone and feel that initial “spark,” this is the type of love that is likely present. Mindfulness skills are great during this stage. I often tell my patients to observe and describe their feelings non-judgmentally. Instead of running to your friends and screaming “They’re the one!”, allow yourself to feel the excitement without assigning meaning to it. You may want to acknowledge that you feel really attracted to this person AND that you’ve only known them for a short period of time.
Empty love is a type of love that involves commitment alone. It is characterized by a decision to stay in a relationship, but without any emotional intimacy or passion. Empty love can occur in long-term relationships where the partners have lost their connection but continue to stay together out of obligation or convenience. On the flip side, I have worked with patients and know people personally who have had arranged marriages that started out as empty and grew over time into other forms of love. The point here is that if you find yourself in this zone, you can work on building more intimacy and passion in the relationship.
Romantic love involves both intimacy and passion, but without commitment. It is characterized by intense feelings of attraction, excitement, and emotional closeness. Romantic love is often seen in the early stages of a relationship, where the partners are still getting to know each other and exploring their feelings. At this stage, you’re here for the ride, but you’re not a ride or die.
Companionate love involves both intimacy and commitment, but without passion. It is characterized by feelings of warmth, trust, and deep emotional connection. Companionate love is often seen in long-term relationships where the partners have developed a strong bond but may not be as physically or sexually attracted to each other. This is not inherently a bad thing, the element of passion can become less important to people over time and that’s normal.
Fatuous love involves both passion and commitment, but without intimacy. It is characterized by a strong physical and sexual attraction, as well as a decision to stay in a relationship. However, there may not be a deep emotional connection or understanding between the partners. This is often talked about as a whirlwind romance and onlookers may wonder, “How is this working?” I’ve also worked with these couples and at times, they can confuse passion with intimacy. It is important to note that intimacy and intensity are not necessarily the same thing. Having a deep intimate knowledge of someone isn’t just about knowing their hopes and dreams, it’s also about knowing what foods give them diarrhea.
Consummate love involves all three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. It is characterized by a deep emotional connection, physical and sexual attraction, and a commitment to staying in the relationship long-term.
As previously mentioned, the importance of each of these components and how much is necessary to be happy can and likely will evolve over time. Be careful not to do too many comparisons because what your love needs are and what someone else’s needs are can be totally different. Knowing these components and how they impact the love you are experiencing can help you to highlight areas of improvement whether you’re currently in a relationship or not.
Which component of love do you need to work on the most? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.