Which assassin tries to take out your relationships?
Do you struggle with having healthy communication with friends, family, and romantic partners? These 4 communication assassins may be trying to take out your relationships.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Y’all really seemed to respond to my boundary episodes. I received so many comments and questions that I decided to respond to one of the themes that arose: unhealthy communication. Do you or people you’re close with engage in behaviors that break down communication and lead to more distance in your relationships? If so, this episode is for you.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
In today's episode, I’m going to share 4 communication errors that can ruin your relationships. These are commonly referred to as the “Four Horsemen” and come to us from relationship experts Dr. John and Julia Gottman. They have written several books on relationships and while they primarily focus on romantic relationships, I have seen these communication assassins in all types of relationships.
The first assassin is criticism. Now I know what you may be thinking: “Does this mean I can never express my displeasure in the relationship?” No! You need to understand the difference between unhealthy criticism and a legitimate complaint.
Let’s say your partner agreed to make dinner and when you get home from work, you notice they are watching TV and there is no dinner in sight. It’s completely reasonable for you to express some frustration on them not following through with the agreement.
Criticism is different in that people who are critical attack the whole person and don’t focus on the behavior and their non-judgmental experience of the behavior. For instance, if I say to my partner, “I’m really frustrated because you agreed to make dinner and this is the second time this has happened this month,” that is a complaint. If I say to my partner, “You don’t care about me, you’re so selfish, how could you forget? You never think about anyone but yourself,” that is criticism.
Do you see the difference? In one example, I am stating what happened and how it made me feel and in the second I am eviscerating the person with my words. When these types of exchanges become pervasive, they can increase in intensity and lead other assassins into your relationship.
I want to talk about defensiveness next as it comes up often in relationships. We’ve all been defensive at one time or another. In many cases criticism and defensiveness go hand in hand because if you feel attacked, dejected, and stressed you will likely have the urge to be defensive.
The issue here is that defensiveness is more likely to lead to an escalation, particularly if the person you are dealing with is not likely to back down. Defensiveness relies on your ability to shift blame to the other person, which doesn’t allow for you to communicate in a healthy manner and come to an agreed-upon resolution.
Let’s go back to my example from earlier. You bring up to your partner that they didn’t make dinner and they respond defensively: “Well, I had a long day at work too, and I’m busy, and stressed with this new deal. You should have reminded me about dinner or if you would’ve checked in with me on your way home, I would have told you and you could have picked something up. It’s not a big deal, if you’re hungry order something on Seamless.”
Now, I don’t know about you, but if it was my partner’s turn to make dinner and they said that to me, I’d feel pretty salty. A better response would be to acknowledge how your actions made your partner feel and to try to rectify it. For example: “Oh, crap, I’m so sorry, it totally slipped my mind. Give me 30 minutes and I’ll make something for us quickly.”
The next assassin is contempt. Contempt is a bigger monster than criticism because the person who is contemptuous places themselves as a moral superior to the other.
When we engage in contemptuous behavior, we are mean. We are sarcastic at the expense of the other person. We may mock or ridicule, call them names, use dismissive body language like rolling eyes and sucking teeth, and are genuinely disrespectful.
Many times contempt comes about because one partner has been stewing on negative thoughts about the other for some time. If you’re being treated in this way by another person, it’s high time to reinforce some boundaries and advocate for yourself.
Lastly, we will discuss stonewalling. This assassin shuts down all communication. When you stonewall someone you withdraw from the situation. This can be literally walking away from the conversation, emotionally shutting down, not responding, or avoiding.
One thing to know about stonewalling is that often the person who engages in this behavior is emotionally overwhelmed, and their response is to tap out and stay tapped out. Unfortunately, this will only lead to more problems. If you find yourself susceptible to being psychologically overwhelmed, instead of tapping out, take a time out. Let your partner know that you can’t stay present in the conversation because you’re psychologically flooded and you need to step away for a discrete period of time, like 15 minutes. This will allow you to calm down and be active in the communication process.
Remember that conflict in all relationships is necessary and if you spend all your time avoiding it, your relationship can’t heal or grow. Evolution requires friction—you have to be confronted with a problem that isn’t easily solved in order to discover new pathways.
Which assassin tries to take out your relationships? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.