Exploring the five key types of thoughts that can either build up or break down your relationship. By understanding selective attention, attributions, and other relationship cognitions, you can change how you view and interact with your partner. Learn practical techniques to shift your mindset and create a healthier, more balanced connection.
Exploring the five key types of thoughts that can either build up or break down your relationship. By understanding selective attention, attributions, and other relationship cognitions, you can change how you view and interact with your partner. Learn practical techniques to shift your mindset and create a healthier, more balanced connection.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Have you ever been with someone and all you can notice is their annoying habit? Like why don’t they EVER put the dirty clothes in the hamper. Or is it really so much to ask that you send me a good morning and good night text each day? These are simply a couple of the types of questions and experiences people talk to me about on a daily basis. Which inspired me to talk about the 5 types of thoughts that can make or break a relationship.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Today we are discussing the five relationship cognitions identified by Epstein and Baucom, that influence how you experience your relationship:
1. Selective Attention
Selective attention refers to the tendency to focus on specific aspects of a partner or relationship while ignoring others.
Example: Jane notices every time her partner, Tom, leaves dirty dishes in the sink but overlooks all the times he cleans the house or cooks dinner. As a result, Jane feels frustrated and believes that Tom is generally untidy, even though he contributes significantly to household chores in other ways.
2. Attributions
Attributions are the explanations individuals create for their partner’s behavior, which can be internal (blaming the partner's personality) or external (blaming external circumstances).
Example: When Mark forgets their anniversary, Greg assumes it's because he doesn’t care about their relationship (internal attribution). However, the reality is that Mark was overwhelmed with work (external attribution). Greg's internal attribution leads her to feel hurt and undervalued.
3. Expectancies
Expectancies involve the beliefs or assumptions about how a partner will behave in the future.
Example: Emma expects her boyfriend, Alex, to always remember to call her before he goes to bed, because that’s something he did early in their relationship. When Alex occasionally forgets due to his busy schedule, Emma becomes upset, believing that Alex’s feelings for her might be changing.
4. Assumptions
Assumptions are underlying beliefs about the nature of relationships and how they should function.
Example: John assumes that in a healthy relationship, partners should always agree on major decisions. When he and his wife, Lisa, have differing opinions about where to go on vacation, John worries that their relationship might be in trouble, despite their ability to resolve the disagreement amicably.
5. Standards
Standards are the personal rules or guidelines individuals have for their relationships, defining what they consider acceptable behavior or what they expect from their partner.
Example: Maria believes that partners should always spend weekends together. When her husband, Robert, decides to go on a weekend trip with his friends, Maria feels disappointed and questions whether Robert values their relationship as much as she does.
Each of these cognitions shapes how individuals perceive their relationship and their partner's behavior. Recognizing and addressing these cognitions can help improve relationship satisfaction by fostering more balanced and realistic perspectives.
Here are some psychological techniques that can be applied to address and modify the five relationship cognitions.
Technique: Cognitive Restructuring
Description: You can deliberately notice both positive and negative behaviors in your partner, rather than focusing only on the negative. This technique involves consciously reframing how you perceive their partner’s actions.
Example: Jane can be guided to actively look for positive behaviors in Tom, like when he helps with household chores or shows affection, instead of only noticing when he leaves dishes in the sink.
Technique: Positive Tracking
Description: I sometimes encourage couples to keep a journal or mental note of positive interactions and contributions their partner makes to the relationship. I’ve also had couples do a relationship scrapbook for those who were more creatively inclined. It allows you to track positive moments and to spend time ingraining these positive experiences into your mind.
Technique: Attribution Reframing
Description: Challenge internal attributions by exploring alternative explanations for your partner’s behavior. You may want to consider external factors rather than jumping to negative conclusions about your partner’s character.
Example: Greg might learn to ask herself, “Could Mark have forgotten our anniversary because he was stressed or preoccupied with work?” instead of assuming he doesn't care about her.
Technique: Setting Realistic Expectations
Description: This involves recognizing and adjusting unrealistic expectations by comparing them with real-world experiences. When I say real-world, I don’t mean Tiktok, talk to people in your actual world. This technique involves creating more flexible and attainable expectations in the relationship.
Example: Emma might learn to adjust her expectation of Alex always calling her at night by recognizing that sometimes life gets in the way, and that occasional lapses don’t reflect a lack of affection.
If you see yourself in any of these examples or recognize that these types of cognitions play a negative role in your life, try some of these techniques, and speak with a therapist so that it doesn’t get in the way of you getting and maintaining healthy relationships.
Is there a relationship topic you’d like for me to address, Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @kindmindpsych or via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.
The Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. It's audio engineered by Steve Riekeberg, with script editing by Brannan Goetschius. Our Podcast and Advertising Operations Specialist is Morgan Christiansen. Our Digital Operations Specialist is Holly Hutchings and Our Marketing and Publicity Associate is Davina Tomlin. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. That's all for this episode of Savvy Psychologist. Thanks for listening! I'll see you next week.