If you have trouble setting boundaries in your relationships, you need these rules.
In this follow-up to Boundaries 101, Dr. Monica Johnson goes over six practical rules to follow in establishing boundaries in your relationships.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Dr. Johnson was a guest on the Change Academy podcast, joining host Monica Reinagel to discuss ADHD and behavior change: https://changeacademypodcast.com/adhd
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We are coming back to boundaries! If you didn’t listen to my episode on boundary basics, please do as it has a lot of helpful context for this one. In this episode we will address why you may want to have boundaries in your relationship and a few practical rules to follow in establishing those boundaries.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
I have received several questions around how boundaries can help with relationship problems. The benefits of boundaries are, well, boundless. When I was receiving my training, one way that boundaries were taught to me was that they’re like skin. A boundary protects everything you have inside from the contaminants of the outside. If you’ve struggled with boundaries, this may make sense to you. When you don’t set boundaries, you can feel physically, emotionally, and even spiritually ill. Similar to skin, boundaries are also permeable. They allow you to be protected and interact with the world, but it also lets relational interactions inside, the same way skin protects bacteria from getting in, but you can also apply medicines or creams to the skin that serve a positive function.
Let’s say you have a friend who you like, but they make jokes at your expense at times and it hurts your feelings. You’ve been afraid to talk to them about it because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but not doing so has caused you to avoid interacting with them as much. Moreover, when you do interact with them, you’re on edge because you are bracing yourself for the next unpleasant joke. Consequently, you’re not able to enjoy the time with them as much and you’re not able to be your authentic self anymore.
In many cases, this scenario can be improved by a conversation about your boundaries. Additionally, boundaries can help to reduce issues related to co-dependence in a relationship. Having assertive boundaries that protect you and respect other people means that we seek to find a middle path. We aren’t doing too much or too little. We aren’t taking responsibility for things that we shouldn’t and we are holding ourselves accountable for the things that we should. Moreover, when you’re able to set boundaries in your relationships and maintain them, it communicates to yourself that you have value and that you can express yourself, be authentic, and still be worthy of love.
And that’s one of the biggest questions I get asked in therapy: “If I am truly myself, am I worthy of love?” The answer is yes, but you’re never going to believe it blindly. This is an answer that needs to be discovered, so I implore you to have some faith, young padawan, and walk this path with me.
To aid you on your journey, I’m going to give you 6 practical guidelines to follow.
The first guideline is behavioral ownership. You need to take responsibility for your actions and any consequences that are related to them. Whether you have more aggressive or passive behavior, both come with their own set of consequences.
When I talk to folks with more aggressive boundaries, they may wonder why no one wants to deal with them. They don’t understand why others can’t see that they are right and it should be done their way. The thing about relationships, though, is that it’s not always about being right or being wrong—it’s about emotions and what another person’s experience of you is.
You may want to take the most direct route to a location and your partner may want to take the scenic route—what’s the harm in taking their desires into account? If the other person is making a reasonable request, you may want to ask yourself, what’s more important to you? Do you want to push the fact that from your perspective, you’re right, or allow for reciprocity and consideration in the relationship?
Emotional ownership is a similar concept. You are responsible for your feelings and you’re not responsible for other people’s feelings—within reason. Here’s what I mean: it’s your job to make sure the things that are required for your happiness, peace of mind, and overall satisfaction are occurring.
Let’s go back to the example of the friend who tells hurtful jokes. This person is not a mind reader—they may have no idea that you dislike this. If it’s causing you harm, it’s your job to be vocal about that and both set and reinforce the boundary that you have. If you establish the boundary and they follow it—fantastic, problem solved, and you can go back to enjoying this relationship.
If they don’t, then you have more decisions to make. Are you going to remain in this friendship? Are you going to change how you think and feel about the jokes so that they don’t bother you anymore? The choice and responsibility is yours.
When it comes to other people’s emotions, as long as you have handled the situation skillfully, you are not responsible for their emotional reactions. For example, let’s say a person hits on me while I’m walking down the street and I respectfully decline. If they call me a “stuck up, B” and walk off—does that mean I handled the situation inappropriately? Absolutely not! I am allowed to say no to someone and if I haven’t done anything to unnecessarily demean them, I don’t have anything to apologize for. The thing about boundaries is that some people aren’t going to like them because getting what they want is their primary concern.
Which brings me to my third guideline: boundaries are broadcast. This is super important! Boundaries aren’t secret. You have to tell people what your boundaries are even if it seems obvious to you. When I used to work in primary care, there was a sweet nurse practitioner that I worked with and she was a toucher. She was the type of person who had to make some sort of body contact while she was speaking with you. Most often this came in the form of an arm, shoulder, or back touch. I have strong physical boundaries and I was well aware that she meant no harm by this action. However, I don’t like being touched by people who I don’t have a close personal relationship with unless verbal consent is given. I explained all of this to her and took ownership of my boundary and she respected it from that moment forward.
Fourth: be consistent. It’s vital that when you establish a boundary that you’re consistent about it. If you send mixed messages, you’ll only obtain poor results. Additionally, if you establish a boundary and you don’t reinforce it, people won’t take you seriously, which makes it harder to maintain the boundary.
Next up: pain with a purpose. When you’re new to establishing boundaries it can be painful. However, I will tell you that not all pain is bad pain. At times, healthy boundaries come with pain because your environment is adjusting to this new boundary. Think of it like going through a growth spurt. You’re not going to grow 2 feet without getting a few stretch marks or having a few awkward moments.
And my last guideline: have healthy motives. In my Boundaries 101 episode, I spoke about the guilt that can arise from setting boundaries. One way to reduce guilt is by having healthy motives. When the motive behind the “no” or the boundary is reasonable, then it’s easier to establish with less or perhaps no guilt.
For instance, if I know that I’ve had a rough week and my resources are tapped and my friend spontaneously invites me to go out with them, I can say no without guilt. Why? Because I know that I need a certain amount of solo time in order to be functional. If I’m not functional, it not only impacts me, it affects my work. Moreover, if I’m tapped out socially and I go to this event, there is a high chance that I won’t be able to show up in a way that’s beneficial to everyone. I can also set up an alternative time with them that allows us to see each other, but at a different time that is mutually agreed upon.
If we set boundaries in ways that are petty or not aligned with our values, that's when guilt is more likely to arise. When you have healthy reasons for why you’re setting the boundary, then you can feel justified in your responses.
Before we end today, I want to say that if you care about your relationships, establishing boundaries is one of the ways that you display that care. Relationships that lack boundaries often harbor resentments. These resentments arise because one or both parties aren’t getting their needs met in healthy ways. Resentment will diminish the quality of your relationships and in some instances will destroy them over time. Additionally, if it’s important to you to live intentionally and authentically, boundaries can help you to show up and be present in your relationships and environments.
Which guideline do you want to focus on to improve your relationships? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.