While no one-size-fits-all formula exists for a successful love life, several consistent predictors have been identified in empirical studies. Let’s take a deeper look.
In this episode, Dr. Monica Johnson digs into the multifaceted process of building romantic relationships. Researchers have delved deep into understanding what facilitates the initiation and establishment of relationships, and in this episode we unpack many of the consistent predictors of a successful love life.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Building romantic relationships is a multifaceted process, influenced by a myriad of factors. Over the years, researchers have delved deep into understanding what facilitates the initiation and establishment of relationships. While no one-size-fits-all formula exists, several consistent predictors have been identified in empirical studies. Let’s take a deeper look.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Proximity: One of the most straightforward and significant predictors of the potential for a romantic relationship is physical closeness. Famously known as the 'proximity effect', individuals are more likely to form relationships with those they encounter frequently. This principle operates on campuses, workplaces, and neighborhoods. Proximity increases the chances of repeated interactions, facilitating rapport-building. In fact, whether it comes to friendship or romantic relationships, I have encouraged my patients to make sure that they have interpersonal interactions offline. This could be joining an intramural basketball or kickball league, book club, church activities, or playing tabletop board games. I really don’t care, but it’s important to find ways to have proximity to others as a way to build relationships.
Similarity: From shared hobbies to matching values, similarity in various domains significantly predicts relationship formation. People tend to feel more comfortable with and are drawn to those who share comparable characteristics, values, or interests. This shared common ground fosters understanding and rapport. Figure out what you really like and what’s important to you and attempt to find people that have that shared interest, and more importantly shared values as that can set the groundwork for potentially building a deeper connection. One mistake that I see people make is they decide that they want to date a particular person and then try to feign similarity by mirroring their target’s interests, which often will not work in the long term. And honestly, if it does work then you’ve convinced this person to like someone who isn’t you and that really is a mental and emotional brain boggle that you’ve put yourself in.
Physical Attractiveness: While beauty standards vary across cultures and eras, physical attractiveness undeniably plays a role in relationship initiation. Research suggests that individuals tend to choose partners who they perceive as being on a similar attractiveness level as themselves. I probably don’t need to tell you this, but yes, looks do matter. When I think about this, I think of a saying that I enjoy, “there is a lid for every pot.” If you’re tall, short, big, small, have bad skin, or missing a few teeth, there is always someone who is down for you.
Reciprocal Liking: Knowing that someone likes or is interested in you can make them more attractive in your eyes. This 'reciprocal affection' significantly influences relationship formation. It acts as a reinforcing loop, where mutual attraction and admiration facilitate deeper connections. I have a t-shirt that I love to wear that says “unrequited love is for chumps,” now this is sarcasm, but also—yeah. If your goal is relationship formation, then reciprocal liking is a required element. Are you the type of person who loses interest as soon as someone likes you? Or do you only go after people who repeatedly show you that they're disinterested? Then that’s likely a sign that you need to do some deep introspection or therapy to better understand the mediating variables because in the long term those kinds of behaviors may lead to you wasting a lot of your time and not building the type of relationships that would ultimately be healthy for you.
Complementarity: While similarity is a potent predictor, complementarity – where partners have characteristics that the other lacks – can also play a role. For instance, one partner might be outgoing while the other is more reserved. Complementarity can bring balance to a relationship, with each partner fulfilling a role that complements the other. I love talking about this one because it falls into that whole yin and yang energy. Personally, I have found that some of my best relationships are with people who we have a nice mix of similarities and complementary traits and behaviors. Having people who have had strengths that I don’t have has allowed me to challenge myself and grow as a person and allowed me to know that I don’t need to be an ace in every category. You may know a couple that seems so different from one another, and that’s exactly why they work because they create space for each other to shine and support one another.
Social Influence: Societal and peer opinions matter. Individuals are more likely to initiate relationships when they perceive them as socially acceptable or encouraged. Factors such as race, religion, socioeconomic status, and age can be influenced by societal norms and prejudices. Friends' and families' approval or disapproval can significantly impact relationship decisions.
Readiness for a Relationship: A person's internal state and life circumstances can be strong determinants to relationship formation. Someone who has just exited a long-term relationship or is undergoing significant life changes might not be as open to forming a new relationship as someone who feels they are in a stable place and actively seeking a partner. I know with the economic, political, and the what-the-heck-is-going-on state of affairs we can find ourselves in these days can make it difficult to feel ready for a relationship. It’s one of the reasons why people are marrying later in life, not having children, and overall feeling lonely. While the world may not get any easier, learning effective strategies to cope with stress and build healthy routines may create the amount of space you need to add in a relationship.
Communication Skills: The ability to effectively communicate desires, boundaries, and emotions is crucial. Those who are adept communicators often find it easier to initiate and nurture relationships. They can express affection, manage conflicts, and negotiate needs efficiently. I can’t stress this enough, and this is coming from an introvert; learn actual communication and conflict resolution skills. Whether it be from a free resource like YouTube, a book, or by seeing a therapist, communication skills matter. You can’t build or maintain relationships without them. Growing up in the south as an introvert was rough for me because you always have to “speak to people,” but it is definitely a skill that has taken me a long way in life despite it being uncomfortable for me. Through effective communication you can build strong relationships.
Relationship formation is influenced by a symphony of factors, both internal and external. While some are based on personal preferences and backgrounds, others are influenced by broader societal norms and structures. It's crucial to remember that every individual and relationship is unique. What might work for one might not work for another. However, the aforementioned predictors provide a foundational understanding of the patterns and tendencies in human relational behaviors. As society evolves and as individual circumstances change, the ways people form relationships may shift, but the underlying human desire for connection remains timeless.