How to cope with rejection and a few benefits of doing the hard work.
How to cope with rejection and a few benefits of doing the hard work.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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February is supposed to be a month of love, but what if instead of hearts and roses, all you got for Valentine’s Day was heartbreak and thorns? Rejection is one of the most difficult things for people to cope with and yet it’s a requirement for existence. You can’t shoot your shot for love, life, and the pursuit of happiness without expecting to be met with an Ariana Grande level Thank you, Next from time to time. In this episode, I’m going to talk about how to cope with rejection and to what may be a surprise to some of you, the benefits of rejection.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson coming to you with a brand new episode on our NEW day of the week… that’s Wednesdays from here on out. Thanks for coming along for the ride with me. As usual, every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Rejection is a very common experience in romantic relationships and the broader context of dating. Its prevalence is due to several factors and here are a few of them:
Diverse Preferences and Expectations: People have unique preferences, expectations, and ideals regarding romantic partners. This diversity means that not everyone will be a match, leading to rejection when interests or expectations don't align.
Online Dating and Social Media: With the rise of online dating and social media, the frequency of both experiencing and issuing rejection has increased. These platforms provide more opportunities to meet potential partners but also increase the likelihood of facing rejection. In some cases I find that it provides people with too many options. Often when I say this, people think I’m telling them to settle, when in actuality, I’m telling you to learn to be satisfied. How many times have you scrolled through Netflix and claimed that there was nothing to watch? Why not pick something from your queue that you know you’ll like? Part of the reason is you like the pursuit and the algorithm keeps you scrolling. The same can be true for dating.
Changing Social Norms: Contemporary dating norms have shifted towards more casual and non-committal interactions, especially among younger populations. This environment can lead to more frequent rejections as individuals navigate their preferences and compatibility with potential partners.
Fear of Commitment: In some cases, individuals may reject potential partners due to a fear of commitment or not feeling ready for a serious relationship, which is a common issue in modern dating dynamics.
High Standards and Idealization: People often have an idealized image of their perfect partner. When real individuals don't meet these high standards, it can lead to rejection. When I speak to people, they have often created an imaginary person that could never actually exist in real life. When I point this out, they typically reference some social media relationship or movie romance which only strengthens my point. There is no human of any gender who can be it all and have it all.
Personal Growth and Self-Discovery: Especially among younger individuals, periods of personal growth and self-discovery can lead to changes in relationship needs and desires, sometimes resulting in ending current relationships or rejecting potential new ones. Sometimes the relationships that worked for you at 20, don’t at 30.
Incompatibility: Even with mutual attraction, incompatibility in values, interests, life goals, or personality can lead to rejection. Be honest with yourself about who you are and what your actual needs and values are. Don’t lie about being outdoorsy when you’re like me and you’re going for the gold medal in stationary couch luge.
Given these factors, most people will experience some form of romantic rejection at various points in their lives. It's a normal part of the dating process and, while challenging, it can also be an opportunity for personal growth and learning. Let’s talk about what to do if you are rejected by a potential romantic partner:
Allow Yourself to Feel: It’s normal to feel upset, sad, or disappointed. Give yourself permission to process these emotions. Avoid suppressing your feelings, as this can lead to more distress in the long run.
Practice Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that rejection is a part of life and doesn’t reflect your worth as a person. Treat yourself kindly, as you would a friend in a similar situation.
Reflect, But Don’t Obsess: It’s okay to reflect on the experience to understand if there are any learning points. However, avoid obsessing over what went wrong or blaming yourself excessively. Remember that compatibility is a two-way street.
Stay Connected with Friends and Family: Lean on your support system. Spend time with people who make you feel loved and valued.
Maintain Your Routine and Self-Care: Keep up with your daily routines and activities you enjoy. Exercise, hobbies, and engaging in things that make you happy can boost your mood and self-esteem.
Avoid Immediate Rebound Relationships: Jumping into another relationship quickly after being rejected can be tempting, but it’s often healthier to allow yourself time to heal and reflect before moving on.
Limit Contact with the Person Who Rejected You: If possible, take a break from seeing or communicating with the person who rejected you, especially if it causes you pain. This can help in the healing process.
Focus on Personal Growth: Use this time to focus on your own growth and development. Pursue interests, develop skills, and focus on aspects of your life that bring fulfillment beyond romantic relationships.
Consider Professional Help if Needed: If you find yourself struggling to move on or if the rejection significantly impacts your mental health, seeking support from a mental health professional can be beneficial.
Stay Positive About the Future: Remember that being rejected by one person doesn’t mean you won’t find a loving and compatible partner in the future. Stay open to new possibilities.
It's important to remember that rejection is not a reflection of your worth or desirability as a partner. It often means that you and the other person were not the right match, and that’s okay. Everyone has their own set of preferences and compatibilities, and it's about finding someone who aligns with yours.
Rejection, though often painful, can offer several benefits to mental health and personal growth, if you allow it. Here are a few potential positives that can occur following rejection:
Resilience Building: Rejection can strengthen resilience, the ability to bounce back from adversity. Each experience of rejection can teach coping mechanisms and emotional regulation, making one more adept at handling future challenges.
Self-Discovery and Personal Growth: It often prompts introspection, leading to a deeper understanding of oneself. Through reflection, individuals may identify areas of improvement, leading to personal development. Instead of immediately jumping back into the dating pool take the time to assess your needs and ways of approaching your dating life.
Emotional Intelligence Enhancement: Experiencing rejection can enhance emotional intelligence. It can teach empathy (understanding rejection others face), and better emotional understanding and management. Basically everyone has faced rejection, myself included, and it can allow you to have greater understanding and respect for your fellow human beings.
Realignment of Goals and Values: Rejection can serve as a catalyst for re-evaluating one’s goals and values. It might lead to a reassessment of priorities and foster a more authentic path that aligns with true personal values. I can’t preach this enough.
Increased Mental Toughness: Over time, dealing with rejection can increase mental toughness. This mental fortitude can be beneficial in facing life's challenges and striving for success despite setbacks.
Opportunities for New Relationships and Experiences: Rejection can open doors to new relationships and opportunities that align better with one's personal growth and current needs.
Improvement in Decision-Making Skills: Learning from rejection can enhance decision-making skills, as one becomes more aware of what didn't work in the past and adjusts future decisions accordingly.
It's important to approach rejection with a growth mindset, seeing it as an opportunity for learning and self-improvement, rather than a definitive setback or a reflection of personal worth. If you can do that, you can continually build on these experiences and lead to a better future.
What is the biggest growth you’ve had from rejection? You can contact me via Instagram @kindmindpsych or via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.
The Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. It's audio engineered by Steve Riekeberg, with script editing by Brannan Goetschius. Our Podcast and Advertising Operations Specialist is Morgan Christiansen. Our Digital Operations Specialist is Holly Hutchings and Our Marketing and Publicity Associate is Davina Tomlin. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. That's all for this episode of Savvy Psychologist. Thanks for listening! And remember, moving forward, I’ll have new episodes for you guys each week on our new release day… that’s WEDNESDAYS. Catch you next week!