This week, we're addressing the topic of ethical non-monogamy or ENM. Whether its polyamory, open relationships, swinging, and relationship anarchy. Whether you're considering opening up your relationship or simply curious about ENM, this episode offers valuable knowledge to navigate this alternative approach to human connections.
In recent years, ENM has garnered increased interest and acceptance, fueled by shifting societal attitudes and greater visibility through media and academic research. Today I’m going to delve into the intricacies of ENM, exploring its various forms, principles, benefits, and challenges, alongside insights from psychological research. This won’t be an exhaustive look at ENM, just the quick and dirty.
You may not know this about me, but I am also a certified sex therapist and I often get questions from people who are thinking about “opening up” their relationship or if they are single, questioning whether or not monogamous relationships are really for them. So, today I’m going to give you an overview of Ethical Non-Monogamy and what that means.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) represents a broad spectrum of relationship styles that diverge from the traditional model of monogamy. ENM includes various forms of romantic or sexual relationships involving multiple partners, all with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. This practice, emphasizing honesty, communication, consent, and mutual respect, challenges conventional norms and offers an alternative approach to fulfilling human connections.
In recent years, ENM has garnered increased interest and acceptance, fueled by shifting societal attitudes and greater visibility through media and academic research. Today I’m going to delve into the intricacies of ENM, exploring its various forms, principles, benefits, and challenges, alongside insights from psychological research. This won’t be an exhaustive look at ENM, just the quick and dirty.
Let’s begin with getting a general understanding of Ethical Non-Monogamy.
Ethical non-monogamy encompasses several distinct relationship styles, each with its own dynamics and rules. Some of the most common forms include:
Polyamory: Engaging in multiple romantic relationships simultaneously, with the knowledge and consent of all parties. Polyamorous individuals often prioritize deep emotional connections and long-term commitments. Polyamory can be hierarchical (prioritizing one relationship over others) or non-hierarchical (viewing all relationships as equal).
Open Relationships: A committed couple allows for sexual relationships with other people. These external relationships can be purely sexual or may involve emotional connections. Open relationships require clear boundaries and ongoing communication to ensure both partners feel secure and respected.
Swinging: Couples consensually engage in sexual activities with other couples or individuals, often in a social or party-like setting. Swinging typically focuses on sexual exploration rather than forming deep emotional bonds with others. It emphasizes mutual consent and respect within the primary relationship.
Relationship Anarchy: Rejecting traditional relationship norms and hierarchies, relationship anarchists structure their connections based on mutual desires and agreements without predefined roles. This approach prioritizes autonomy and personal growth.
Now, let’s hop into some research highlights on Ethical Non-Monogamy. Many people who lack understanding of this relationship style assume that it must be more unhealthy, that jealousy is always a huge issue, that those in ENM relationships are incapable of commitment, or that it’s just overall more stressful. In practice, as long as you don’t engage in what I coined to be “messy poly,” most of this is entirely unfounded.
Psychological research provides valuable insights into the dynamics, benefits, and challenges of ENM. Studies have explored various aspects, including relationship satisfaction, communication, jealousy, and mental health.
When it comes to relationship satisfaction and communication…
Research indicates that individuals in ENM relationships often report high levels of relationship satisfaction. A study by Haupert et al. (2017) found that people in consensually non-monogamous relationships reported similar or higher levels of relationship satisfaction compared to those in monogamous relationships. This satisfaction is largely attributed to the emphasis on open communication and negotiation, which fosters trust and intimacy.
Effective communication is a cornerstone of ENM. A study by Moors et al. (2017) highlighted that individuals in non-monogamous relationships often engage in more frequent and open discussions about their needs, boundaries, and emotions. This transparency helps prevent misunderstandings and enhances emotional connection.
When we look at managing jealousy…
Jealousy is a natural emotion that can arise in any relationship, including ENM. However, individuals practicing ENM often develop strategies to manage and mitigate jealousy. Research by Sheff (2014) found that polyamorous individuals commonly use techniques such as compersion (feeling joy when a partner experiences happiness with another person), self-reflection, and communication to navigate jealous feelings.
A study by Conley et al. (2013) revealed that people in consensually non-monogamous relationships report lower levels of jealousy compared to those in monogamous relationships. This difference is attributed to the normalization of discussing jealousy openly and the development of coping mechanisms that prioritize emotional well-being.
And in regards to mental health and well-being
ENM can have positive effects on mental health and well-being. A study by Mitchell et al. (2014) found that individuals in consensually non-monogamous relationships reported lower levels of psychological distress and higher levels of sexual satisfaction compared to those in monogamous relationships. This finding suggests that the autonomy and freedom associated with ENM can contribute to overall well-being.
Furthermore, ENM communities often provide social support and validation, which can enhance mental health. Research by Flicker et al. (2021) highlighted that belonging to ENM communities fosters a sense of belonging and acceptance, reducing feelings of isolation and stigma.
If you’re thinking about opening up your relationship or simply single and considering ENM, it’s important to understand the principles and practices of ethical non-monogamy. I don’t allow messy poly on my watch and that’s exactly what you’re doing if you’re not being intentional and actively implementing these types of principles and practices.
Ethical non-monogamy is built on several key principles that differentiate it from non-consensual or unethical forms of non-monogamy, such as infidelity. These principles include:
Honesty: Open and honest communication is the foundation of ENM. All parties must be transparent about their feelings, desires, and boundaries. This openness builds trust and prevents misunderstandings.
Consent: Consent is paramount in ENM. Everyone involved must willingly agree to the relationship structure and dynamics. Consent is ongoing and can be renegotiated as relationships evolve.
Communication: Effective communication is essential for navigating the complexities of ENM. Regular check-ins, discussions about feelings, and active listening help maintain healthy relationships and address any issues that arise.
Respect: Mutual respect ensures that all partners feel valued and heard. Respecting each other’s boundaries, time, and emotional needs is crucial for maintaining harmony in ENM relationships.
Compersion: Compersion is the feeling of joy when witnessing a partner's happiness with another person. This is a complicated concept for most when introduced to ENM because in modern day society, we treat love, like we’re Christopher Lambert in Highlander—and there can “Be only one.” And we are willing to metaphorically chop heads until we claim our prize. While not everyone may naturally feel compersion, cultivating this mindset can enhance connection and positivity within non-monogamous relationships. It’s okay if this feels aspirational, if you’re working on creating space for your partner(s) and they are doing the same for you, it typically works out in everyone’s favor.
While ethical non-monogamy is not as problematic as most would think , it also presents unique challenges. Some common issues include:
Jealousy: Those in ENM relationships, can experience jealousy just like anyone else. Addressing jealousy requires self-reflection, open communication, and strategies to manage and understand underlying causes. Regular discussions and reassurance can help mitigate jealous feelings. It’s these communication strategies that help to reduce jealousy overtime. And before you ask, jealousy is not necessarily a sign that you shouldn’t be in an ENM relationship. Jealousy is a complex emotion and we can feel it sometimes even when we really don’t want to. Think of it as a therapeutic topic in your next session or simply something to bring up to your partners and in true ENM fashion, if you’re following the principles outlined earlier, all parties will be heard, and you will actively problem solve solutions that work for all involved. But if you’re the type of person who experiences jealousy in a way that feels functionally impairing, address these issues in therapy before engaging in ENM.
Time Management: Sorry to burst your bubbles, but for many in ENM relationships, it’s not simply bopping from one play party to another. In many situations, people are in full fledged relationships with multiple people. Balancing multiple relationships demands effective time management and prioritization. Ensuring all partners feel valued and attended to requires careful scheduling and commitment. Google calendar never worked so hard than the day it met polyamorous folks with kids.
Social Stigma: Despite growing acceptance, ENM still faces social stigma and misunderstanding. Individuals practicing ENM may encounter judgment or discrimination from those adhering to traditional monogamous norms.
Complex Dynamics: Managing multiple relationships can lead to misunderstandings or conflicts. Clear communication and established boundaries are crucial for navigating these dynamics. If you really want to engage in ENM, you have to be willing to put effort towards improving communication skills and increasing emotional intelligence.
Now I want to close, by reiterating and debunking some of the most common myths with it comes to ENM or polyamory.
ENM is just an excuse for cheating: Ethical non-monogamy is based on mutual consent and transparency, unlike infidelity, which involves deceit and betrayal.
ENM relationships are less committed: Many ENM relationships are deeply committed and require significant effort and communication to maintain.
ENM is only about sex: While sexual exploration can be a component, many ENM relationships prioritize emotional connections and long-term bonds.
Hopefully, you’re more informed on this topic now and whether you love zero, one, or a dozen as long as it’s consensual and healthy, just know that I’m out here wishing you nothing but the best!
What was something you learned about ENM today? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @kindmindpsych or via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.
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