Savvy Psychologist

Finding gratitude when you’re just not "feeling it"

Episode Summary

It’s that time of year when everyone reminds us to be grateful—but what if you’re not feeling it? Despite its proven benefits, gratitude can be surprisingly challenging to practice. In this episode, Monica dives into why it’s difficult for so many of us to engage with gratitude, exploring psychological factors like negativity bias, social comparisons, and stress.

Episode Notes

It’s that time of year when everyone reminds us to be grateful—but what if you’re not feeling it? Despite its proven benefits, gratitude can be surprisingly challenging to practice. In this episode, Monica dives into why it’s difficult for so many of us to engage with gratitude, exploring psychological factors like negativity bias, social comparisons, and stress. 

Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.

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Episode Transcription

It’s that time of the year where everyone reminds you to be grateful. But what if you don’t want to be grateful? Not everyone acknowledges that it is difficult to be engaged with gratitude and I’m here to talk about why. 

Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.

Gratitude, though beneficial, can be challenging to practice consistently, and psychological research sheds light on several reasons why it can be difficult for many individuals. Some of the key factors include:

Negativity Bias: Humans naturally have a tendency to focus more on negative experiences than positive ones, a phenomenon known as "negativity bias." Evolutionarily, this bias helped our ancestors focus on potential threats for survival. However, it also makes it harder to recognize and appreciate positive experiences in everyday life. The brain tends to give more attention to problems, setbacks, or disappointments, which can overshadow feelings of gratitude.

High Expectations or Comparisons: When people have high expectations for themselves or compare their lives to others, it can diminish their ability to feel grateful. This is particularly common in the age of social media, where people are constantly exposed to idealized versions of others’ lives. Feeling inadequate or dissatisfied with one's own achievements or circumstances makes it harder to focus on what is good, as the mind is often fixated on what is lacking.

Cognitive Overload and Stress: When individuals are overwhelmed by stress, it can be difficult to pause and reflect on gratitude. High levels of cognitive load, whether from work, personal responsibilities, or emotional strain, tend to occupy mental resources. In such a state, people are more likely to focus on immediate stressors rather than the positives in their life.

Cultural or Social Conditioning: Some cultures or individuals may be conditioned to focus on personal achievements or self-sufficiency rather than on what they have received from others. This can create a mindset where gratitude is not prioritized or seen as a sign of weakness. Additionally, cultures that emphasize material success may place less importance on practicing gratitude for intangible things, such as relationships or personal growth.

Psychological Disorders: Conditions like depression, anxiety, or trauma can make practicing gratitude particularly challenging. For example, individuals with depression often struggle with pervasive negative thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, which can make it difficult to appreciate the good in their lives. Anxiety may lead people to worry about the future, limiting their ability to feel grateful for the present.

Entitlement Mindset: Some individuals may experience an entitlement mindset, where they believe they deserve certain things or outcomes. This sense of entitlement can reduce gratitude, as people may not feel the need to appreciate what they already have if they believe they are entitled to more.

Lack of Awareness or Practice: Gratitude is like a skill—it needs practice to become a natural part of one’s thinking process. For those who have not developed the habit of reflecting on positive experiences or expressing thanks, it can be difficult to access feelings of gratitude, especially in the face of routine challenges.

Here are three research-backed strategies to improve gratitude, all of which have been shown to enhance mental well-being and foster a more grateful mindset:

1. Gratitude Journaling

How it works: Writing down things you're grateful for on a regular basis has been shown to increase feelings of gratitude and life satisfaction. The practice involves setting aside time each day or week to list things you appreciate in your life, whether they are small daily occurrences or larger events.

Research Support: Studies suggest that individuals who keep a gratitude journal experience higher levels of positive emotions and reduced symptoms of depression. In one landmark study, participants who wrote about things they were grateful for over a 10-week period reported greater optimism, fewer physical complaints, and more frequent exercise than those who wrote about negative or neutral events .

Practical Tip: Aim to write down three to five things you are grateful for each day. Be specific, and try to focus on experiences rather than material possessions (e.g., "I’m grateful for the unexpected help I received at work today").

2. Gratitude Letters or Visits

How it works: This strategy involves writing a letter of thanks to someone who has made a difference in your life and either delivering it in person or sending it to them. Even if you don't send the letter, the act of reflecting on why you're thankful for that person has been shown to increase feelings of gratitude.

Research Support: In a study by psychologist Martin Seligman, participants who wrote and delivered a letter of gratitude to someone they hadn’t properly thanked saw a significant and immediate increase in their happiness, with benefits lasting up to a month. Gratitude visits, in particular, can create meaningful connections and strengthen social bonds .

Practical Tip: Think of someone who has had a positive impact on your life but whom you haven’t fully thanked. Write them a letter expressing your appreciation, detailing specific actions or moments that made a difference. If possible, deliver it in person for an even more profound emotional experience.

I recently had a friend out of nowhere contact me and express gratitude for our relationship and she let me know how proud of me she was. I can’t say enough good things about that interaction and it gave me an opportunity to reciprocate that care as well. 

3. Mental Subtraction of Positive Events

How it works: This technique involves imagining your life without certain positive aspects, people, or experiences you currently have. By visualizing what life would be like without them, you can foster a deeper sense of appreciation for their presence.

Research Support: A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who practiced this "mental subtraction" experienced increased feelings of gratitude and happiness compared to those who focused on the positive aspects of their lives without considering what life would be like without them . This exercise helps people realize how much they might take for granted.

Practical Tip: Choose a positive event, relationship, or circumstance in your life. Spend a few minutes imagining how your life would be different if it had never occurred. Reflect on how much this event or person contributes to your well-being.

So, yeah, it’s hard to be grateful for a variety of reasons AND that’s no reason not to put effort into developing this skill because it can have so many benefits to your life and potentially enhance the life of someone you care about. 

Who is someone that you want to do a gratitude letter or visit with? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @kindmindpsych or via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.

The Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. It's audio engineered by Steve Riekeberg, with script editing by Brannan Goetschius. Our Podcast and Advertising Operations Specialist is Morgan Christiansen. Our Digital Operations Specialist is Holly Hutchings and Our Marketing and Publicity Associate is Davina Tomlin. Nathaniel Hoopes is our Marketing contractor. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. That's all for this episode of Savvy Psychologist. Thanks for listening! I'll see you next week.