What if you could win this game by not even playing it in the first place?
Does exploring the what-ifs keep you stuck? Here are some tips on how to better manage your thinking game.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Do you play the “what if” game? You know what I’m talking about. The game where when you approach any situation, you start thinking about everything that could possibly happen if this or if that. Well, what if you could win this game by not even playing it in the first place?
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Ah, the “what if” game. My patients—and probably you—play it all the time. It typically starts off pretty simple and then escalates to Pee-Wee Herman level silliness. Let’s say you’re a bit shy and thinking about going to a party. You might start with, “what if I can’t find the right outfit,” or “what if I can’t think of anything to talk about?” Then inevitably you end up in a zone where it’s “what if I trip on the corner of the rug, tumble over the couch, and spill my drink on Rebecca George and she verbally eviscerates me while playing the ukulele?”
Have you noticed that with “what if” questions and lines of thinking that you’re never satisfied? There is always another “what if” around the corner and you just end up feeling fearful, avoidant, and stuck. Here’s the thing with the “what if” game—your odds of winning it are less than winning the lottery. You have to opt-out of playing to win. Why? Because anxiety never wants you to be comfortable.
Today we are going to talk about a few ways to retire your jersey and walk away from the “what if” playing fields.
A fundamental problem with what-ifs is that they often confuse probability versus possibility. For instance, “what if a jet engine fell through my roof and killed me?” Is that a possibility? Sure, but unless I’m Donnie Darko it’s not really probable. Probability is about something likely to happen. Possibility is that it could happen.
There are a lot of things that are possible. It’s possible for me to be the first Black female president. It’s also possible for me to visit Antarctica, but are either of those things likely to happen? Absolutely not. I have zero interest in being involved in politics that way or being that cold. I’ll see my penguins at the zoo.
One way to opt-out of the “what if” game is to acknowledge that you are ruminating on questions or scenarios that are completely pointless. When we say anything is possible that includes things that have a 0.0000001 chance of happening. When you’re asking your what-ifs, rate how likely they are to actually happen.
Another issue with what-ifs is that you are trying to solve these hypothetical problems that are unlikely to occur. This is where the rating will help you. If you only focus on the scenarios that are probable, you can realistically cope ahead for them.
Let’s go back to my party example from earlier. Finding the right outfit for a social gathering is a common concern that many of us have. There are a couple simple ways to approach this. You can buy a new outfit or wear one that you historically know you’ve looked and felt good in. You could get the opinion of trusted others, but you want to be careful with seeking outside reassurance. Asking 1 or 2 people for their opinion is okay, but asking 34 is too much. You’ll also need to work on your own appraisal of the situation and understand that not everyone will like your outfit. You may even want to roleplay how to handle a situation where someone makes a comment about your appearance that elicits a self-conscious reaction from you.
If you try to solve all the hypothetical situations that what-ifs bring about, you will only increase your anxiety, uncertainty, and discomfort. In my patients, I’ve also seen what-ifs eat away at self-esteem and decision-making capabilities. In fact, what-ifs are often the reasons why people tell me they delayed a decision or chose not to follow through with something altogether. However, if you focus on problems that are actually probable, what you are doing is preparing yourself for a realistic scenario instead of a horrific fear fantasy that is only limited by your imagination.
When thinking through these scenarios, keep a keen eye on emotional avoidance. Many of our unhelpful actions are guided by a desire to avoid emotional experiences. Let’s face it, there are some emotions we like more than others. Most of us dislike the feelings of uncertainty, nervousness, and fear. That’s normal. What’s also normal is the presence of those emotions in situations where it makes sense. It makes sense to be nervous about meeting new people. It makes sense to feel scared about taking a risk or the uncertainty of a new work opportunity.
The presence of these emotions does not mean that you’re making the wrong decision or that the situation is going to turn out bad. All it means is that you care and that you want things to go well and that this is new or hard. Instead of playing the “what if” game, focus on self-care. Validate yourself about the emotional experience that you are having and then think about ways you can soothe the emotion. Talk to your friend, parent, or therapist about it. Go for a walk or meditate. Any coping strategies we’ve discussed on this podcast will help you. One such episode that I would recommend is 3 Ways to Cope When You’re Feeling Bad.
What kind of what ifs trip you up? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.