These reactions to anxiety are actually making your experience of fear worse.
When you feel worried about something, it feels natural to try to prevent the feared outcome from happening. But while well-intentioned, these behaviors may actually make our anxiety worse.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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In the next two episodes, we are going to talk about reactions to your anxiety that seem like a good idea, but actually aren’t. When we feel threatened, it’s natural for us to want to protect ourselves. When you feel worried about something, it makes sense that you would try to prevent the feared outcome from happening. These reactions are called safety behaviors and while they may be well-intentioned, the outcome is not in our favor.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
We’ve talked about worry in the past and safety behaviors are deliberate actions we engage in in response to worries. The function of a safety behavior is to allow us to feel better in the present moment and to eliminate the chances of us experiencing the feared outcome.
For instance, let’s say you’re invited to a party and you’re worried that you won’t know many of the people to attend. One safety behavior that a person could engage in is avoidance. You could simply decide not to go to the party. This reaction is likely to lead to a sign of relief in the present moment, right? You don’t have to worry about what you’re going to wear, what you’re going to say, what to do if your breath is funky or you have gas. On top of all that, you get to avoid all those social faux pas that you knew you were going to make in this imaginary landscape where you are rejected in Carrie-level fashion. No matter how illogical it may be that someone would dump pig’s blood on you or that an entire group of people will laugh at your expense, it doesn’t matter because the crisis is averted. Even though there was likely no crisis to avert.
One of the main problems with safety behaviors is that they give you the illusion that they work. You’re getting exactly what you want, right? The problem is that they actually have the opposite effect on your initial fears. Instead of reducing them over time, they will make it worse. You may have avoided the fear of this particular party, but what about future parties? What if it starts being more than just parties, what about other events?
Another thing I mentioned earlier was that there may not have been a crisis to avert. Life is the wet stone that you sharpen your soul on. How do you know if fear was warranted if you never actually check it out? Look, I get it, I’m an introvert, so when parties come up my initial reaction is NO. I recently had a birthday party gathering and while most people are thinking “what if no one shows up?”, I’m like “what if someone shows up?” But guess what? That gathering went well and nearly every time I’ve ever worried about an event, the feared outcome never happened. And by approaching the event, I’ve proven to myself over time that I’m not fragile and I can handle myself and social situations. You never get to grow when you use safety behaviors to avoid any stressful scenario.
Most of the safety behaviors I’m going to mention are things that are fine if done in moderation. The intention behind the behavior is also important. For instance, when I say no to a party it’s usually because I’ve checked in with myself and know that I need other types of rest or I honestly can’t make it work with my schedule. You want to be careful about letting the anxiety-ridden what-ifs and worries dictate your behavior. If there are legitimate worries, engage in problem-solving while remembering that some pain is meant to be tolerated as it can’t be avoided.
With all this said, let’s get the most obvious safety behavior out of the way: avoidance. Avoidance comes up in a variety of ways throughout our lives. We sometimes avoid new experiences because we are unsure if we are going to like them. For example, you could avoid taking a new fitness or hobby class because you don’t know if you will be good at it. You could avoid looking at your finances because you’re afraid you won’t have enough money. You could avoid making decisions because you’re afraid you’re going to make the wrong one. Quite honestly, avoidance can infiltrate our lives in countless ways if we aren’t aware of it. You may want to make a list of the ways in which you avoid so you can check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Information seeking can be a safety behavior. Generally speaking, seeking out information is a positive trait. However, when it is dictated by anxiety, we can fall into these rabbit holes that leave us more stressed, fearful, and unsure. For those who suffer with illness-related anxiety, for instance, the more you google symptoms, and comb through WebMD and the darker corners of Reddit, the deeper the anxiety abyss inside of you becomes. Another example of how this can come up may be planning vacations. I’ve had patients who literally spent months searching for the “best” flights or comparing 79 different hotels and all of their reviews. It gets to the point where you need a vacation from your vacation planning.
A counter to information seeking that is equally problematic is impulsive decision-making. Many of life’s questions don’t have straightforward answers. We may want to avoid the pressure of making decisions that might not pan out. One way to do this is by being impulsive. When you hold things off to the last minute, in some ways you can’t be held accountable for how they turn out. For instance, if I don’t decide where to eat dinner until 5 minutes beforehand, if it turns out poorly, then I can say “oh, well it was a last-minute decision.” The problem is, what happens when you live your whole life this way? Some decisions do require thought.
Hopefully, what you’re noticing between these last two safety behaviors is that there is a middle path that likely needs to be struck. At times, it makes sense to be adventurous and basically flip a coin. At other times, it makes sense to spend time and care to think through a decision. Deciding where to eat should take less time than deciding the specifics of a vacation and deciding on a vacation will often take less time than deciding on what medical treatment to take for a life-threatening illness. How much time is subjective; however, we likely wouldn’t spend 10 hours deciding where to eat dinner on a Friday night and we likely would want to take more than 10 minutes to decide our treatment options. You can start by assigning what you would consider to be reasonable amounts of time to a task. We often don’t realize how much (or little) time we are spending on something. For instance, I may tell a patient to spend 4 hours searching for international flights versus the 10 hours they typically spend. At the end of that time, they can look and assess if they have a few solid options and choose from there. It is possible that they could find something else if they searched for another hour, but maybe that’s an hour that could be spent with their child or reading a book they’ve been meaning to enjoy instead.
In the next episode, we will expand on this list of safety behaviors so you can be aware of them and stop them from impeding your mental and emotional growth. You don’t want to miss it!
What safety behaviors from today’s list are you engaging in? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.