Over the last handful of years, it can feel like every “bad boyfriend” or “sketchy politician” has been given the label of a narcissist.
Narcissistic personality disorder often shows up in pop culture, but it’s widely misunderstood. Here’s why not every jerk you come across can be called a narcissist.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Many of you reached out and were frustrated by how often narcissistic personality disorder is used in pop culture and you wanted me to set the record straight. Today your wish is my command.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
After my previous episodes on bipolar disorder and OCD, I received several questions about narcissistic personality disorder—or NPD for short—and I understand why. Over the last handful of years, it can feel like every “bad boyfriend” or “sketchy politician” has been given the label of a narcissist. While in a few instances you might be correct, it's unlikely that we’ve all been dating narcissists.There is a median prevalence rate for NPD of 1.6% of the population. What this means is that most of you who may think you’re dating someone with NPD are actually simply dating jerks.
This in no way minimizes the impact of said jerk, but it’s important that we understand the difference, so I’ll use an analogy. Many of us are true crime buffs if the ratings for shows like Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story on Netflix are an accurate representation, so I think this will make sense. We all have an understanding that a murderer and a serial killer are two different things. They both engage in murder but the magnitude of what a serial killer engages in is on a totally different level. Now to be clear, in both camps we could end up with our picture on a milk carton, so be aware of who you’re dealing with, but fundamentally we understand that John Wayne Gacy is a different breed than some random person who murdered someone in a fit of passion. Most humans are capable of horrible things if put in the right circumstances and some of us create the circumstances upon which to engage in horrible acts.
With that being said, let’s roll through the DSM-5-TR criteria for NPD so that we have a better understanding of what this personality disorder looks like. A diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder requires a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, which could be in their outward behavior or in fantasy—think about Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. They also have a need for admiration and lack empathy. The presence of these patterns has to begin by early adulthood and be present in a variety of contexts.
I’m going to break this down so you have more clarity. As I review these criteria, it’s important to understand that simply having one or two or even three of these characteristics isn’t enough to qualify as a person with NPD. If, as I review this information, you feel that it represents you or someone you know, it’s important to be evaluated by a mental health professional.
Individuals with NPD have a grandiose sense of self-importance. This can manifest itself as an unrealistic sense of capability, superiority, or value. Oftentimes they can come across as pretentious or boastful and have a tendency to embellish in terms of their accomplishments or abilities. Moreover, they tend to be preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited power, love, success, or beauty. They compare themselves to known figures or go on and on about how they’ve been passed over for their well-deserved admiration and privilege. They often believe that they are special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
Many with this disorder require excessive amounts of admiration. This is due to the fact that their self-esteem is fragile and they often struggle with internal feelings of emptiness, self-doubt, and self-criticism. As such, they can be preoccupied with how others view them, be charming, and engage in behaviors such as fishing for compliments. Another potential criterion for NPD is a sense of entitlement. In NPD, the entitlement is usually connected to their elevated sense of self-worth and as such, they tend to have an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment. It can lead to a person who believes or acts in such a way as to convey that their needs or wants are above those of others and there is no recognition of the impact that this may have on others.
It is important to note that the combination of entitlement and an inability to be sensitive to the needs of others can lead to intentional or unintentional exploitation of other people. I like to clarify this point because we tend to assume that all exploitation and/or manipulation is an intentional act of the other. Meaning that they went into the situation thinking, “yeah, I’m going to screw this person over,” when it could be that this thought never came up to them. It could be their only intention was to get their needs met and they have a vast blind spot when it comes to the impact that has on other people. Now again, the destination may be the same, but the starting line is in a different location.
However, those with narcissistic personality disorder can be interpersonally exploitative and only befriend or date people that they feel can advance them in life or match this elevated sense of self-worth. Some with NPD may intentionally and purposefully take advantage of people mentally, emotionally, and financially. Another criterion of NPD is a lack of empathy. Those with NPD may have the ability to understand empathy from a cognitive perspective, but lack empathy from an emotional perspective, which leads others to perceive an emotional coldness from the individual. On the off chance that they do perceive the needs and desires of others, they are more likely to talk about this as a failing or weakness on the part of the other person rather than a legitimate experience that should be taken into consideration.
Those with NPD also tend to be envious of others or believe that others are envious of them. They may disparage the success of others and express that they believe themselves to be better deserving of those successes or possessions or privileges. Another way this can come up is that they may devalue the efforts of others, especially when these individuals have received some sort of praise or recognition. Finally, a characteristic of NPD is that they may display arrogant, snobbish, or patronizing attitudes and behaviors.
I think if we truly take this all into consideration, we can begin to understand the differences between someone who is truly narcissistic and someone who is vain or selfish or oblivious—even if someone is all of those things wrapped into one. If there is ever a time to not self or informally diagnose yourself or someone else, personality disorders are one of those areas. However, if any of this makes a light bulb flicker for you, speak to your therapist about it and they can provide you with more information. If you’ve been harmed by someone regardless of whether or not they have an actual NPD diagnosis, the impact of that on you and your life is real and valid. If you suspect you may have this diagnosis or some of these behaviors and you want to change, there is help for you. In either circumstance, you’re not alone.
What’s a mental health disorder that you wish you understood better? I may talk about it in a future episode. Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.