Breaking down the fundamental strategies for improving your sex life by addressing key aspects like communication, emotional connection, mindfulness, and physical health.
Breaking down the fundamental strategies for improving your sex life by addressing key aspects like communication, emotional connection, mindfulness, and physical health.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Pretty much everyone I know who wants to have sex is interested in learning how to have great sex. Having great sex is a combination of physical, emotional, and psychological factors. Most of which actually start outside of the bedroom. If you’re interested in learning a few quick and dirty tips then stay tuned for more!
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Today I am going to review a few fundamental strategies that you can use to improve your sex life.
1. Communication
Open Communication: Talking for hours with our love interest isn’t just for our junior high years, it’s also for our adult times as well. I meet so many people and couples who think they should have already figured their sexuality out by now or that sex should happen naturally–whatever that means. If you want good sex you have to talk about it. Discussing desires, boundaries, and preferences openly with your partner is crucial. Research shows that couples who communicate effectively about sex report higher sexual satisfaction.
It’s also important to have a non-judgmental Feedback Loop: Giving and receiving feedback during and after sex helps partners understand each other's needs and improve future encounters. If you’re the giver of feedback make sure to use an inviting tone and give instructive clear feedback. So, for example, don’t give feedback that is like “you’re a bad kisser.” That can induce shame in a person and doesn’t help them to become what you think is a “good kisser.” Instead say something like, “I would prefer it if you were more gentle with your tongue. When you push it towards my throat, it is uncomfortable.” And if you’re feeling it–you can even practice the feedback because as we know practice makes perfect. When you get feedback, don’t take it as “I’m doing it wrong,” look at it as, “This person wants to have more sex with me and they’re invested in us both having a good time.”
2. Emotional Connection
For many people, Intimacy and Bonding is necessary: Emotional closeness and intimacy often enhance sexual satisfaction. Studies suggest that couples who feel emotionally connected tend to have more fulfilling sex lives.
Vulnerability also ties into this: Being emotionally vulnerable and open with your partner can deepen the connection, which often translates into better sex.
Find ways to bond with your partner. Did you stop getting to know them? Simply because you’ve been together for 3 years doesn’t mean there isn’t more to know about them. Many of the couples I have worked with have enjoyed implementing question cards into their relationships to reignite the exploration spark. These question cards either present actual questions in different topic areas or give you a conversation starter or prompt. There are dozens of versions of these and one I really enjoy: Where Should We Begin? By relationship therapist Esther Perel.
3. Mindfulness and Presence
Mindfulness is also key when it comes to sex. I know what you’re thinking—how did she link mindfulness to my sexy time? Not my fault–facts are facts and mindfulness makes everything better: Being present in the moment, rather than being distracted, can lead to a more fulfilling sexual experience. Mindfulness practices have been shown to improve sexual satisfaction and reduce anxiety.
In fact, when I work with couples, one of the things that I remind them of is that it’s often our minds that get in the way of us having enjoyable sex. This can be distractions, performance anxiety, body image issues, etc. Improving our mindfulness abilities and allowing ourselves to Focus on Sensation rather than our anxiety provoking thoughts gets us locked into feeling good. Paying attention to the physical sensations without judgment or distraction can enhance pleasure and I have seen mindfulness take people from an existence of having difficulty getting into the mood or having an orgasm to reporting to me that they are having the best sex of their lives.
4. Physical Health
When Olivia Newton-John was singing about Let’s Get Physical–she really knew what she was talking about. If you want to get it up—you have to start by getting into the gym. Regular physical activity improves circulation, stamina, and overall health, which are all important for a healthy sex life. Eating a balanced diet that supports cardiovascular health can improve sexual function and adequate sleep is essential for maintaining libido and energy levels.
5. Stress Reduction
You may have already heard this before, but as stress goes up, libidos can often go down. If your stress levels are too high it can lead to less sex or less satisfying sex overall. Getting your stress in check will make a difference. Managing stress through relaxation techniques like deep breathing, yoga, or meditation can improve sexual function and satisfaction.
6. Education and Awareness
The majority of you haven’t taken Sexual Education since you were in the 6th grade and we all know that wasn’t the most informative class. Nearly every adult I speak to has little to no usable sexual education. Understanding the mechanics of sex, anatomy, and what typically leads to pleasure can empower people to have better sexual experiences. It also aids in Debunking Myths. Educating yourself about common sexual myths can reduce performance anxiety and increase satisfaction. I can’t emphasize this enough–the number of times I’ve had someone come into my office and think that their boyfriends average sized penis could somehow break their vagina or a male identified person who thinks they are supposed to have an erection at the drop of a hat and last for 12 hours illustrates to me that we are all missing out on some fundamental sexual education.
7. Seeking Professional Help if Needed
At times you may need medical or therapeutic intervention. Issues like erectile dysfunction, lack of desire, or pain during sex can have both medical or psychological underpinnings. Secondarily, many of us have grown up in families that didn’t encourage us to be sexually positive so that mindset can carry over into adulthood and this is even if we are already married with 3 kids. Engaging in sex therapy either solo or as a couple can help you explore any unwanted hangups you have and focus on the sex life you actually want. Don’t be afraid to improve your life in all ways including the wet and wild varieties.
If you have a sex and relationship question you’d like me to cover, Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @kindmindpsych or via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.
The Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. It's audio engineered by Steve Riekeberg, with script editing by Brannan Goetschius. Our Podcast and Advertising Operations Specialist is Morgan Christiansen. Our Digital Operations Specialist is Holly Hutchings and Our Marketing and Publicity Associate is Davina Tomlin. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. That's all for this episode of Savvy Psychologist. Thanks for listening! I'll see you next week.