Exploring the common barriers to forming fulfilling romantic relationships, from unrealistic expectations to poor communication and fear of rejection.
Exploring the common barriers to forming fulfilling romantic relationships, from unrealistic expectations to poor communication and fear of rejection.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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I speak to a lot of people of all genders who are lonely and fed up with the dating game. They often ask me what makes modern dating so difficult or more broadly what are the factors that get in the way of relationship formation these days. In today’s episode we are going to look at those factors so you can modify your approach where needed and hopefully increase your chances for finding the types of relationships that you desire.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
1.First off, I want to talk about Unrealistic Expectations.:
Perfectionism: Expecting a perfect partner or relationship can lead to dissatisfaction and missed opportunities. People often hold out for an ideal that doesn't exist. This is an ideal that may be perpetuated on your favorite social media app. For example, you may want to date a guy who makes 200k a year and is 6’4 inches tall. However, the problem with that is the median income in the US is closer to 75k a year and the average height of a male in the US is 5 '9. I’m not saying it can’t happen for you, I’m saying that if you want to actually increase your chances of finding a person who matches your values and will potentially treat you the way you’d like to be treated in the relationship, you may want to broaden your search to include those that are closer to the average. If we have 1000 people all vying for the attention of 1 person, that leaves a lot of people being unhappy.
Romantic Ideals: Believing in a "soulmate" or a perfect match can make it difficult to accept the imperfections of a real person. Did you know that the idea of a soul mate is relatively new and again can reinforce perfectionistic ideals? Talk to anyone who's been in a relationship of any kind and there are always things that you don’t like about that person. ways in which you have to work around certain non-deal breaker characteristics and ways in which hopefully everyone within the relationship has worked to improve overtime.
2. Fear and Anxiety
Fear of Rejection: The fear of being rejected can prevent individuals from putting themselves out there or fully engaging in the dating process. In fact I have seen these rejection fears change overtime as people have less social contact with each other overall. Here is something I would suggest of all genders. If you are the person signaling attraction–meaning the person who is saying–”hey, you’re cute, wanna go on a date sometime,” lean into the potential of rejection. It gets easier overtime to deal with being told no. For those of you receiving the signal, meaning—you’re the cutie being talked to—be open to the fact that sometimes a person that you’re not attracted to is going to say “what’s up.” In those moments, practice saying “no” in a kind and respectful way. That person is not a creep simply by shooting their shot as long as they can take a “no” and respect the boundary once it’s been set.
3. Poor Communication Skills
Lack of Effective Communication: Difficulty in expressing feelings, needs, and expectations can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.
Misinterpretation: Misreading cues or making incorrect assumptions about a partner's intentions or feelings can create barriers.
Conflict Styles: Differing approaches to handling conflict can cause friction and prevent deeper connection. There are some of us who run toward conflict, guns blazing and those of us who run away. Learning how to have effective conflict resolution is a requirement for all relationships.
Improving communication skills is one of the most straightforward things you can do in order to improve obtaining and maintaining the relationships that you want in your life.
4. Personal Incompatibilities is something I notice often.
Mismatch in Values and Goals: Significant differences in core values, life goals, or interests can hinder relationship formation. At times, I see that people focus on factors that don’t matter and ignore factors that do. For instance, if you know you want to have children, why are you talking to the person who is adamantly against it?
5. Psychological Barriers
Self-Sabotage: Negative self-beliefs and low self-esteem can lead to behaviors that undermine relationship prospects.
Past Trauma: Unresolved trauma from past relationships can create trust issues and emotional barriers.
In both of these situations, once you’re aware that these things may be hindering relationship formation, you should focus on doing your own therapy to heal wounds and work around our natural proclivities. For example, if you have trouble being vulnerable due to how you were raised, you may focus on this in treatment and learn how to be more vulnerable overtime to enhance your relationships.
6. External Pressures
Social and Cultural Expectations: Societal norms and cultural expectations can pressure individuals to conform to certain relationship models, which may not align with their personal needs.
Family Influence: Family opinions and expectations can influence dating choices and create conflicts.
At times, we really are a square peg trying to fit through a round hole. Most of us face enormous social pressure and sometimes it’s good to take time out. Use your mindfulness skills to non-judgmentally review all the data that is flowing through our system. Yes, my parents may want me to marry a particular type of person, but if I am finding that this is not a good fit for me, what do I want to do with that information? If I am going to make a choice to adhere to my parents standard, you at least want it to be an intentional choice not one that you made mindlessly only to later regret in 10 years.
7. Behavioral Tendencies
Maximizing: Continuously searching for the "best" option can lead to dissatisfaction and an inability to commit. This is something that I bring up to people often especially when they talk to me about settling. Now, for sure there are situations where it wouldn’t make sense to make a particular choice and it could objectively be seen as “settling.” However, this is how you end up scrolling on your Netflix queue for 2 hours instead of actually watching a movie. The same can be said for dating. Once you have a good enough option, it makes more sense to spend some time on that one and see if anything fruitful comes of it.
Hesitation: Delaying dating due to perceived inadequacies or waiting for the "right" time can result in missed opportunities. An example of this is when someone tells me they want to start dating after they lose 50 lbs, but it’s been 3 years and they still haven’t met that goal. You can find love in any state or stage of life. We have so many representations of that. There are people who get married in prison, there are people who are 600 lbs and have a romantic partner and family who loves them, there are people with severe medical conditions and have love. The point here is there is no time like the present.
8. Technological Challenges is another one I want to mention further. Technology is a blessing or a curse depending on who you are and what your relationship is with technology.
One issue that arises is Online Dating Overload: The abundance of choices on dating apps can lead to choice overload, where individuals struggle to make a decision and continually seek better options. This directly refers to what I said earlier about the Netflix queue effect, where you spend all your time swiping than actually enjoying.
Superficial Interactions: Online dating can sometimes promote superficial interactions focused on appearance rather than deeper compatibility. When talking about perfectionism, I mentioned everyone vying for the same person. On dating apps this can definitely be true. You can certainly have 90% of people all going for the same 10% of people which is great if you’re in that top 10, but it’s awful if you're a regular person on the bell curve. Spoiler—the majority of us are average.
9. Lack of Effort and Intention
Passivity: Expecting love to happen without putting in effort can prevent the formation of meaningful relationships. Loving someone for a minute is easy, loving someone for a year is much harder. Every relationship requires effort and that actually never stops. What you are looking for is abnormal effort. For example, you probably shouldn’t have to put in effort to get your partner not to hit you, but if they aren’t as naturally clean as you are, you will probably have to put in effort throughout the relationship in this area.
Lack of Clarity: Not knowing what one wants in a relationship can lead to confusion and mismatched expectations. My biggest advice is to be honest with yourself about who you are as a person and your lifestyle and explore what it would mean to find someone who compliments that.
Relationship formation is a complex process influenced by a multitude of factors. These are just a few common factors that I’ve seen and have come up in research. If you’re struggling in this area, it’s okay to bring these topics up with your individual therapist, or join a support group for dating where these topics are addressed.
Which one of these is a factor getting in your way? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @kindmindpsych or via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.
The Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. It's audio engineered by Steve Riekeberg, with script editing by Brannan Goetschius. Our Podcast and Advertising Operations Specialist is Morgan Christiansen. Our Digital Operations Specialist is Holly Hutchings and Our Marketing and Publicity Associate is Davina Tomlin. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. That's all for this episode of Savvy Psychologist. Thanks for listening! I'll see you next week.