Grasping our attachment style can help us understand our behaviors and dynamics with others. Attachment styles are established when we’re very young and influence us well into our lives. Understand the 4 attachment styles to see which one you might be and how to work with its strengths and challenges.
Grasping our attachment style can help us understand our behaviors and dynamics with others. Attachment styles are established when we’re very young and influence us well into our lives. Understand the 4 attachment styles to see which one you might be and how to work with its strengths and challenges.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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I’m finally doing it. I am going to talk about attachment styles. I have had several listeners ask me to talk about attachment styles and I’ve avoided it. I think there is enough information on the topic–and hot take, perhaps too much information on the topic, but here I am giving the people what they want.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Attachment theory, initially conceived by John Bowlby in the mid-20th century, provides a framework for understanding the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. It primarily focuses on the bonds established during childhood and their impact on relationships in adulthood. Over time, research has identified various attachment styles, each correlating with specific patterns of behavior, emotion, and cognition in relationships. Now you may ask, Dr. J., what is your issue with attachment? I don’t have an issue with attachment, I have an issue with how people sometimes use the information that attachment theory provides us. I see folks showing up and saying, I have certain limitations due to my attachment style, and this can’t be changed, or it’s too hard. It’s important to know that anyone can develop secure attachment, regardless of the attachment style you may currently have. And it’s probably the fact that you are trying so hard to avoid being triggered that’s getting in the way of you developing a secure attachment for yourself.
Today, I am going to give a broad overview of the 4 attachment styles and what you can do to understand yours and better your life.
Secure Attachment:
Characteristics: Individuals with a secure attachment style generally have a positive view of themselves and of others. They feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, balancing the two. They tend to be consistent in their closeness with their partner, enjoying mutual understanding, trust, and effective communication.
Origins: Secure attachment style usually stems from consistent and reliable caregiving in childhood. When a child's needs are met, they learn to trust others and understand that they are worthy of receiving love.
Relationship Dynamics: In relationships, securely attached individuals feel comfortable expressing their emotions and are not overly concerned about being abandoned or getting too close to others.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment:
Characteristics: An anxious-preoccupied attachment style often looks like people seeking high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. The anxious-preoccupied partner can be overly concerned or even obsessed with their relationships.
Origins: This attachment style often originates from inconsistent caregiving in childhood. These folks might have experienced unpredictable responses from their caregivers – at times very attentive and at other times neglectful.
Relationship Dynamics: With an anxious-preoccupied attachment style people can feel insecure about their relationships, fearing abandonment and constantly seeking validation. They might exhibit "clinging" behavior or get easily jealous, fearing that they are not loved or valued enough.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment:
Characteristics: People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style often deemphasize the importance of relationships. They might claim that they don't need close relationships to feel satisfied and prioritize their independence and self-sufficiency.
Origins: This style can stem from childhood experiences where they had to suppress their true feelings and needs to avoid rejection or ridicule. They might have learned to rely solely on themselves.
Relationship Dynamics: In relationships, they might distance themselves from their partners. When confronted with conflicts, their typical response might be to withdraw, avoiding emotional closeness.
Fearful-Avoidant (or Disorganized) Attachment:
Characteristics: Those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style have a combination of anxious and avoidant behaviors. They desire close relationships but are deeply afraid of getting hurt.
Origins: Often, this style develops in childhood as a result of trauma or highly chaotic caregiving. These individuals have experienced moments where their caregivers were the source of comfort but also the source of fear.
Relationship Dynamics: They find themselves in a push-pull relationship dynamic, craving closeness but being deeply afraid of getting hurt. They might experience difficulty trusting partners, even when they desire intimacy.
Now let’s discuss some implications of the various attachment styles on mental health and relationships.
Understanding one's attachment style can provide profound insights into their behaviors in intimate relationships. It can highlight areas of strength and potential challenges. Similar to what I mentioned in my episode on temperament, this is your starting point, not a limitation that will prohibit you from having positive long term relationships.
The plasticity of attachment styles is a topic of keen interest. Research indicates that while early attachment experiences lay the groundwork, subsequent life events, therapeutic interventions, and even committed romantic relationships can promote change. For example, even if you had a solid upbringing and started with a secure attachment, a securely attached person might develop anxious tendencies after experiencing betrayal. So, if you’ve been walking around saying to yourself “I wasn’t like this when I was younger,” I feel you—sometimes life knocks us down a few notches and we have to regain something we had previously with little to no effort.
If you’re someone with an anxious attachment style you may benefit from therapies that focus on building self-worth and developing healthy boundaries. When you first approach this on your own or in treatment, it may cause a lot of panic or doubt in your system. That’s totally natural, and to be expected. On the other hand, an individual with an avoidant attachment might be guided to explore their fears around intimacy and learn ways to communicate more effectively. At first, someone who is avoidant may have difficulty finding the value in approaching these topics when you’re doing “okay.” However, in my experience with folks, they’re actually incredibly lonely and have spent so much time suppressing and avoiding emotions and other stimuli that they have little insight into their own inner experience.
The benefit of recognizing one's attachment style and its origins is that that knowledge can empower you to make informed choices in relationships and seek the necessary support or intervention to foster healthier connections. Anyone you know with a healthy relationship of any type is putting in the work. In a world that is increasingly interconnected, understanding the nuances of our innate tendencies to connect or distance can pave the way for more meaningful and fulfilling relationships and hopefully allow us to have empathy for those we interact with on a daily basis. When you have an insecure attachment style, expect to be triggered. If you were afraid of water and wanted to be on the swim team—guess what, you’re going to be triggered. This doesn’t mean you don’t approach the pool! It simply means that initially you may be the person at the pool standing in 2 feet of water with 80 floaties strapped to your body. Don’t judge because that’s the exact same person who will have the opportunity for success. Regardless of your attachment style, explore reasonable goals, learn coping strategies, and above all, never give up on yourself.
What is an area you want to develop in terms of your attachment? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.