Here are two ways that hyper-independence may show up in yourself or others.
Your independence can be a symptom of your trauma.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Humans are social beings by nature. We are hardwired for connection, love, and belonging. Decades of research taught us that humans thrived in groups because there was safety in numbers. For this reason, and many others, we can understand why humans evolved as social animals and continued to organize into groups.
Yet today, we reinforce a culture that celebrates self-sufficiency, high productivity, and individualism. But have you ever wondered if perhaps you’re a little too independent? Today we are going to talk about the signs of hyper-independence and how it might be a response to trauma.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Hyper-independence can develop in response to a single or repeated emotional neglect experience. In these experiences, you were hurt, betrayed, or abandoned and learned that others are not reliable or can be trusted. A common way that we try to avoid repeat trauma is through proactive and typically unhelpful response patterns. For instance, because of past harmful experiences, we may have decided that we were better off to not rely on others or that we don’t deserve support. This fear-driven coping mechanism leads to patterns of avoiding closeness, intimacy, and connection.
Here are two ways that hyper-independence may show up in yourself or others.
People who are hyper-independent may over-commit to work or personal projects to the point that it can become difficult or impossible to manage the load themselves. Someone who is hyper-independent will avoid delegating tasks out of fear that others will not follow through, produce the same quality work, or be as efficient as they would. This is the classmate who volunteers to do all the work in the group project, the partner who takes the lead in managing the household, or the friend who plans every detail of a 2-week foreign vacation. For those who struggle with hyper-independence, asking for or accepting help feels dangerous. They would rather take on too much and deal with the stress than be disappointed again. In general, those who are hyper-independent will take on too much responsibility. Consequently, this habit can lead to issues with burnout.
One primary goal of the hyper-independent person is to avoid vulnerability and perceived disappointment. The behaviors and attitude that follow can make these individuals appear cold and guarded. Close relationships are interdependent and a person who is hyper-independent will often have difficulty opening up. If a hyper-independent individual starts to develop feelings or attachments for someone, they may distance themselves to protect themselves from the feared outcome (e.g. disappointment, neglect, rejection, etc.). They may also be secretive and mistrust others. Those who are hyper-independent may be extremely private and reluctant to share personal details. This may be due to a worry that others will betray their trust or let them down in some way. Consequently, because they are unable to be open and allow connections to grow with others, they may have few close relationships.
If you are someone who considers themselves independent and can relate to several of the patterns described, it may be worthwhile to ask yourself if your independence is actually a survival mechanism or trauma response. Like all things in life, independence also requires balance. It is empowering to know that you are self-reliant; however, it becomes problematic if it stands in the way of you reaching out for help when it’s needed. Hyper-independence may have developed as a way to protect yourself from the hurt and pain that others inflicted, but holding on to it ensures that you’ll miss out on connecting with people who do want to genuinely support you. The vulnerability that comes with close connections is scary for everyone. However, when we accept that we do need other people, we can learn how to cope with those social scaries.
You may want to challenge yourself to delegate a small task. Choose someone who objectively appears to have good follow-through, communication, and has voiced a desire to be supportive. Once you see that others can be relied on in small ways, it’ll become easier to delegate larger tasks in the future. Additionally, it’s okay to admit to yourself when you notice the signs of burnout and to take time to engage in self-care. You may notice that frustrations or other judgments arise when you think about your own needs. That’s because having needs can sometimes be interpreted as weakness. Instead, it’s important to acknowledge that needs are normal and have compassion for yourself and others. This empathy will lead to healthier outcomes in the long run.
Those who are hyper-independent ultimately desire healthy attachments, but the fear of connection gets in the way. I find it’s helpful to process those fears whether that be through therapy or journaling. The solutions are usually discovered in the places you’re reluctant to explore, and being vulnerable with yourself can be the first step toward healthy human connection.
What is a fear that you have about connecting with others? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.