Have you ever felt like you had different parts inside competing for control? Have you sabotaged yourself and wondered later why you did that? Or felt conflicted in a way that you had trouble reconciling? In this episode we are going to talk about those parts and what might be going on.
It can often feel like we have different parts inside competing for control. Learn about these 3 parts of your system that may be interfering with your life.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a mental health question? Email us at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 929-256-2191.
Find Savvy Psychologist on Facebook and Twitter, or subscribe to the newsletter for more psychology tips.
Savvy Psychologist is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.
Links:
https://quickanddirtytips.com/savvy-psychologist
https://www.facebook.com/savvypsychologist
https://twitter.com/qdtsavvypsych
https://www.kindmindpsych.com/
Have you ever felt like you had different parts inside competing for control? Have you sabotaged yourself and wondered later why you did that? Or felt conflicted in a way that you had trouble reconciling? In this episode we are going to talk about those parts and what might be going on.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
I believe we all have the sense that we have a myriad of parts inside of us—we contain multitudes. We say things like “having a Devil on one shoulder and an Angel on the other,” or we tell our friends that one part of us wants to leave our partner but another part of us is afraid. All of the parts swarming inside of us can get in the way of connecting to others and having compassion for ourselves, and it can dampen our creativity and remove any sense of internal peace. Today we are going to borrow from a therapy modality called Internal Family Systems or IFS to help you to get a deeper understanding of the types of parts that may exist inside of you.
It’s important to note that you can sense your internal parts in a variety of ways. For example, physical sensations, emotions, the roles that they play like “caretaker,” or images that come to mind that represent the part—like our 5-year-old self. In IFS, parts are separated into 3 categories: exiles, firefighters, and managers. We will start by describing exiles.
Exiles are the parts of us that have been harmed in the past. They tend to hold our deep wounds, our trauma, and our rejections, and their memories are filled with pain, terror, and shame. It is not uncommon to experience an exiled part as childlike as they are often frozen in the time period where the trauma occurred. They can become more and more extreme over time because they desire for their stories to be hard. They have a motto of “don’t forget me” and can leave you feeling raw and vulnerable. Common traits of exiled parts are spontaneity, innocence, sensitivity, anger, and dependency.
Managers and firefighters have the shared goal of trying to protect the exiled parts of us. The manager’s motto is “Never again.” These protector parts are proactive and work to keep the person secure, often by controlling events, people, or other parts within the system. For instance, you may have a manager part that convinces you not to apply for a job that you’re excited about in order to avoid the possibility of rejection. Managers protect us against anything that can lead to pain, instability, or vulnerability. They carry the responsibility of trying to keep everything together 24/7 and fear that relinquishing any ounce of control will only create much worse outcomes. Common manager traits and behaviors include judging, caretaking, criticizing, analyzing, controlling, planning, pessimism, and numbing. To give you an example, I’ve worked with people who had someone very important to them pass away and they experienced numbness for days, weeks, and even months after. They would focus on caretaking others during those initial grieving moments, leaving little space for introspection and self-care. This could be an example of a couple of manager parts working together to protect the system.
Firefighters have the motto of “when everything else fails.” Firefighters burst on the scene when our exiles, especially the more wounded exiles, are activated and threaten to overwhelm the entire system. Firefighters are here to snuff it out by any means necessary. They act swiftly and powerfully to repress our exiles, release any built-up pressure in the system, and get out of the danger zone as quickly as possible. They also have the capability to overpower managers to take control of the system. Common firefighter traits and behaviors include the following: infidelity, overspending, binge eating, suicide attempts and self-harm, dissociation, abusing substances, and distracting. How many of us have felt depressed and engaged in “retail therapy” late at night, buying things we have no use for and can’t really afford? How many folks have felt unhappy in a relationship or gone through a breakup and use substances or other people to drown out the pain? These are all examples of how firefighters can show up in our lives.
It’s imperative to understand that these parts have the best intentions but incredibly flawed execution. Even if it technically works in the short term, it hinders our ability to have access to our full selves and to engage with the world freely and unburdened. In the previous example about losing a loved one, the parts may simply want you to avoid experiencing sadness and reduce any impact to your daily functioning. Which is noble, but some things are meant to hurt and pain is unavoidable. Experiential avoidance only leads to suffering in the long run which is an avoidable condition. When we aren’t aware of our internal system, our parts can become blended with ourselves and we can feel an omnidirectional pull—like a compass that’s near an interfering magnetic field—making it impossible to know our true north.
Next week, I’ll be covering the qualities of self-leadership that can help us understand the difference between our parts and self-energy and ultimately reduce their interference with being our authentic selves.
What types of parts dominate your system? Do you notice more exiles, managers, or firefighters? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.