It’s Women’s History Month, and in honor of that, we are going to talk about female sexuality today.
Historically speaking, women have not been encouraged to authentically express their sexuality or to have sex-positive attitudes. Dr. Monica Johnson is here to help jump-start your journey on the pleasure train by letting you know about 5 factors that get in your way. Whether you are a woman or simply enjoy having sex with them, you don’t want to miss it.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a mental health question? Email us at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 929-256-2191.
Find Savvy Psychologist on Facebook and Twitter, or subscribe to the newsletter for more psychology tips.
Savvy Psychologist is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.
Links:
https://quickanddirtytips.com/savvy-psychologist
https://www.facebook.com/savvypsychologist
https://twitter.com/qdtsavvypsych
https://www.kindmindpsych.com/
It’s Women’s History Month, and in honor of that we are going to talk about female sexuality today.
Historically speaking, women have not been encouraged to authentically express their sexuality or to have sex-positive attitudes. Well, I am here to help jump-start your journey on the pleasure train by letting you know about 5 factors that get in your way. Whether you are a woman or simply enjoy having sex with them, you don’t want to miss it.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Whether you realize it or not, sex and sexuality are impacted by your mental health and vice versa. Whether you want to have several sexual partners or zero, being able to fully express your sexuality is vital. In our society, women are typically encouraged to be chaste, to meet impossible body standards in order to be romantically or sexually attractive to others, and that sex isn’t really for us. The number of young women and men who I have talked to who have said to me that “girls don’t get horny” is atrocious. That attitude masks real issues. Sexual dysfunction is common and real for all genders. One prominent study found that approximately 45% of couples at a given time will experience sexual dysfunction that causes relationship distress. If you’re a woman who has struggled with sexual dysfunction, which can include things like issues with sexual interest, inhibited arousal, or inhibited orgasm, then here are 5 factors that may be at play for you.
The first factor is body image. Our society does a good job of making us all hate our bodies and motivates us to change ourselves to meet this unrealistic standard. It’s hard to feel sexy and attractive when you look around and the women who are exalted in our society have a fundamentally different body shape or skin tone than you do. Additionally, many women are raised with more than their fair share of body shame and sex shame. I grew up in a Southern Baptist household and my mother’s advice about my body when I was a teenager was simply—“keep your pants up and your shirt down.” Our families may have given us some well-meaning advice, but the outcome of that advice sticks with us and we find ourselves in our fifties wondering why we can only have sex with our shirts on and the lights off. Our body image, self-esteem, and sexuality are intertwined. When you get these messages from your family system and/or larger society that 1) you’re not beautiful because you don’t fit a particular beauty standard and 2) you shouldn’t explore or engage with your body in a sexually exploratory manner, it runs deep. It’s a good idea to explore the messages you’ve received about your body and your sexuality across your lifespan. Try to make sure that your sex life is congruent with your particular value system and to process and work through any incongruencies that may be present.
The second factor that gets in the way is called spectatoring. Spectatoring is when you monitor yourself or your partner during sexual encounters. Spectatoring leads to performance anxiety and disconnection from the experience. Spectatoring typically focuses on three different areas: over-focus on oneself, over-focus on the partner, or thinking about the relationship during sex.
Have you ever thought to yourself: “Are my boobs too small? Does everyone’s thighs jiggle like this? Why am I not lubricated yet? Will I have an orgasm this time?” This is classic over-focusing on yourself. Over-focusing on your partner might lead to thoughts like: “Do they think I’m fat? Is he turned on enough? Will she be disappointed if I don’t have an orgasm?” And if you’re over-focusing on the relationship, you might be thinking, “Do we still love each other? Will we ever get married?” You can see how this type of pondering can become a real turn-off for you.
Another factor that is linked to this for me is poor body awareness. Women are often trained to hyperfocus on aspects of their bodies that they don’t like which consequently leads to an inattention to positive aspects of our bodies and physical sensations. How can I focus on how good my partner’s hand feels on my vagina if all I can notice is loose skin on my belly? Being stuck in your mind is never good for the bump n’ grind. Using mindfulness strategies to stay in the present moment while engaging in sex can help.
This leads to our next factor which is sexual inexperience. One study found that the absence of self-directed and curious sexual exploration in childhood is a predictor of sexual dysfunction in young adulthood. I want to be clear that I’m not talking about abusive experiences. Sexual curiosity and various sexual desires and behaviors across the lifespan are normal. For instance, it’s not problematic for kids to play house or play doctor for instance. When we haven’t had developmentally appropriate sexual experiences then we have poor self-confidence and anxiety about approaching sex in our adulthood. As a result, you might avoid engaging in or even thinking about sex, which will only exacerbate the issues.
I have worked with people in the past who were in their late 20s or early 30s and hadn’t had any experiences outside of making out. The thought of embarrassing themselves in a sexual encounter was so intense that they had resolved to be “virgins forever” because they didn’t even want to approach the conversation with a potential partner. From our discussions, it became clear that they had a belief that as women, being a virgin is sexy when you’re 20, but not when you’re 30. It’s okay if you’re a late bloomer when it comes to sex and believe me when I say that most people are willing to help you practice.
Associated with sexual inexperience and body awareness is self-pleasure. A lack of self-pleasuring is a factor in sexual dysfunction in women. Despite the hairy palms myth that I heard all the time as a child—the myth that masturbation leads to hair growing on the palm of your hands—it’s actually normal and healthy for women and girls to explore their genitals. For some women with sexual dysfunction, there is an internal conflict and feeling of embarrassment and shame associated with masturbation which can lead to avoidance of this practice. Avoidance of masturbation can lead to or exacerbate a lack of body awareness and comfort with sexual arousal.
I’ve worked with people in the past that would get anxious when they became aroused, which would lead to their arousal dissipating. Some of this was related to a lack of understanding and comfortability with their bodies, how they operated, and what would happen next as they went through their arousal process. Masturbation is a way for people to familiarize themselves with their bodies, release tension, and aid in communicating to their partner about what they enjoy in sex. To normalize this act for you, it’s important to note that 60-65% of women between the ages of 18-60 masturbate and more than a third of women over 70 years of age masturbate.
If you’re struggling with sexual dysfunction in your relationship, remember that it’s quite common. The therapists you’re already seeing may be able to help you. I provide sex therapy in addition to standard mental health services. If your current therapist doesn’t feel comfortable aiding in these issues, then you can see a sex therapist for a period of time to work through your dysfunction and get connected with your sexuality.
Which of these factors get in your way? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.