Dr. Monica Johnson lays out five different types of touch that can help you engage with your partner.
Are you struggling to increase the intimacy in your relationship? Do you feel like all types of touch eventually have to lead to sex? Dr. Monica Johnson lays out five different types of touch that can help you engage with your partner.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Find Savvy Psychologist on Facebook and Twitter, or subscribe to the newsletter for more psychology tips.
Savvy Psychologist is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.
Links:
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/savvy-psychologist-newsletter
https://www.facebook.com/savvypsychologist
https://twitter.com/qdtsavvypsych
https://www.kindmindpsych.com/
Are you struggling to increase the intimacy in your relationship? These 5 types of touch may help! Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment. If you haven’t guessed from the title, this episode is a bit less safe for work than usual, so listener discretion is advised.
One of the things I do as a psychologist is help my patients deepen their relationships with others. A common complaint I hear is around intimacy and sexual desire in relationships. Many people don’t engage in all of the types of touch or play that can enhance desire. When this is the case, you may fall into the trap of thinking that sex equals intercourse or that the goal of intimate touch has to be intercourse. This can limit the types of exchanges you can have with your sexual partner. These problems can be compounded if there is a sexual desire mismatch, which is when one partner has a higher libido than the other. Today I’m going to cue you in on 5 different types of touch you can be engaging in with your partners.
The first type of touch is affectionate touch. This type of touch is not sexual in nature, but provides the foundation for intimacy within the relationship. Affectionate touch typically involves touching with your clothes on. This can include hand-holding, hugging, or kissing.
Arousal is not always the goal of affectionate touch, but is the first step in feeling close to your partner. In fact, I have had patients report to me that if they feel like affectionate touch must lead to intercourse with their partners that they are less likely to engage in it—particularly if they know there is a sexual desire mismatch between them.
The second type is sensual touch. This type of touch typically involves non-genital touching which can be clothed, semi-clothed, or entirely naked. This zone of touch includes activities like neck or foot rubs, cuddling on the couch while watching a film, and holding each other as you fall asleep.
Sensual touch is again good on its own, but for some is a necessary step towards furthering sexual desire in the moment or overall in the relationship. This type of touch comes naturally for some. I’ve also had patients report that they did more of this in the beginning of their relationship and it has waned over time. If you’re trying to introduce or reintroduce this type of touch into your relationship, you may want to gather items like massage oils or scented lotions for foot rubs or cozy blankets that make snuggling on the couch more likely to happen.
The third type is playful touch. Playful touch is usually semi-clothed or naked. It also involves both non-genital and genital touching. Playful touch introduces pleasure and play into the dynamic and can make these feel more lighthearted and free.
Playful touch can include full-body massages which can be semi-clothed or nude, touching in the shower or bath together, erotic dancing, or sexy games like strip poker. There are also sexual card games that you can purchase to help you introduce play into your sexual dynamic. This is another area where purchasing some items may aid in this type of touch. The massage oil I mentioned earlier is useful in this area, but you may also want to get some lingerie, for example—if you’re into that sort of thing.
I find that the more my patients engage in this type of play, the less self-conscious they become about their bodies over time. Imagine if your only experience of your sexuality is like Elliot Reid from Scrubs, “shirts on, lights off, no talking.” If that was your approach, it’d be difficult to get comfortable with your body, sexuality, and that of your partner(s).
Your body is beautiful and—believe it or not—you are sexy. Have fun with it!
The fourth type is erotic touch. Erotic, non-intercourse touch can include manual, oral, rubbing, or vibrator stimulation. Erotic touch can be mutual or one-way. I encourage you to speak with your partners about their likes, dislikes, and hang-ups. For instance, I’ve had patients who enjoy receiving oral, but are self-conscious about it. However, after open communication with their partners and engaging in various types of touch, they were able to reduce their discomfort and start to enjoy a variety of types of touch and play in the relationship. Erotic touch can provide a sense of creativity or vitality in your sex life. It can proceed to orgasm or transition to intercourse.
The fifth type of touch is intercourse. Again, I remind you that intercourse is not necessarily the goal of these other types of touch; however, it is often a natural continuation of the pleasuring process. If you engage in these other types of touch, but you’re not feeling up to intercourse, you’re not a failure. Pleasure in all its forms is worthwhile and if you’re looking to increase sexual desire, it’s also required.
The more touch you engage in, the more likely it is you will have sexual intercourse. Most folks aren’t able to go from zero to 60 automatically. I encourage you all to think through what you enjoy in each of these areas of touch and communicate that with your partners. Your sex life should be tailored to you and the people you interact with sexually. Be open to discovering different aspects of your sensual nature without judgment.
Do you have questions related to sex and relationships? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.