Once we unburden our exiles and our parts no longer feel the need to act in extreme ways, they can settle down.
Learn about the qualities of self-energy and how you can tap into your true self.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Last week we talked about parts that hinder your ability to access your self-energy. And boy, did y’all reach out and let me know what types of parts were getting in your way! I was hearing sirens all week because most of you let me know your firefighters were running wild in your system. If you want to learn more about the qualities of self-energy so that you can unlock your true self, stay tuned!
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Before we get into what is deemed the 8 Cs of self-leadership in Internal Family Systems or IFS, we need to give a brief overview to expand your understanding of the self. Whenever I do this type of work, most of my patients come in doubting that they even have self-energy. They have been blended with their parts for so long that they don’t know what it feels like to be self-led.
Self-energy exists in everyone. It’s present at birth. While life may have burdened us in various ways and caused our parts to act out in extreme ways, they are actually meant to be a resource for the self. Once we unburden our exiles and our parts no longer feel the need to act in extreme ways, they can settle down.
Again, remember that all parts of welcome and this isn’t about any part of us being bad or wrong. We aren’t removing any part of ourselves. It’s like the saying, “wherever you go, there you are.” You carry yourself and your parts everywhere you go. If there is a young part of you that carries the burden of the shame you’ve felt from your parents growing up, she’s not bad. She’s actually trying to help you and at her core, she has self-energy, too. Perhaps she also carries much of your curiosity as well, which is a quality of the self we will get into in a minute. This is not about the rejection of our internal world, it’s about embracing it.
As you’re trying to learn how the self feels for you, it’s important to note that many people experience a sense of calm, of feeling centered, of connection to who they really are underneath it all when they tap into the self. One way to notice this is that parts are usually tied to an agenda in a way that the self isn’t. For example, say you’ve been dating this guy for a few months and he decides that he’s no longer interested. You may have parts focused on getting him back. You’re on TikTok trying to manifest him, you’re stalking his Instagram to see if he’s dating anyone else, and you’re low-key friends with his cousin on Facebook trying to catch any scraps about his comings and goings. That’s your parts at play. Their agenda is to get him back regardless of if that’s actually beneficial to you or not. The self is able to see the whole picture in a way that parts cannot.
Now let’s get into the qualities of self-leadership. I want to be clear that there could be other ways to describe the self, but this will at least get you started. Note that any one quality of self-leadership can lead to the others—they don’t exist in a vacuum.
The first we will discuss is curiosity. Remember that agenda I mentioned earlier? When you’re truly curious, you have an absence of an agenda to change another person’s behavior. Instead, you genuinely want to understand it. You have an openness to the world and you’re curious about other people and why they do what they do instead of being upset with them.
For example, there are politicians that I don’t agree with—and this is not to say I’m never upset because I have parts like anyone else—but mostly, I’m curious. I think about what makes them who they are, the time period and location of their formative years, their race, gender, socioeconomic status, religion—all these elements that have defined their experiences on the planet. And in that way, everything they do starts to make sense to me. I would never look at a snake and expect it to be anything other than what it is—why would I ever look at a human any differently?
The next quality we will discuss is compassion. Compassion requires us to look beyond the reactive, angry parts of one another and to recognize what's underneath. In many cases, those reactive parts are responding to a genuine pain or fear for that person. Compassion is also exhibiting care for the suffering of others and having a genuine desire to help.
The 3rd C is confidence. This involves relating to parts and people in ways that are effective and healing. It’s also trusting that despite making mistakes you’re inherently worthy and good. Inside your system, the self trusts in its own capabilities and competence even when other parts may have their doubts.
I experienced this for myself recently. I was the guest speaker at an event with several amazing musicians and hosted by a well-known drag queen. There were so many parts of me that were nervous, especially my introverted parts. My job was to answer questions about mental health from the audience and that kicked up some of my imposter syndrome parts as well. Then I did a mindfulness exercise and allowed myself to feel my self-energy and I simply knew it was all going to be okay. I went on stage and I was myself and that was more than enough. I answered every question and I made everyone laugh several times. I even made a joke about my parts. “I’m an introvert and I hate people, but I’ll teach you how to love yourself.”
This leads us to calmness. I tell people all the time that there is nothing better than peace. When you experience peace inside it’s like laying in fresh sheets from the dryer, the perfect bite of a waffle cone, or the sound of the trees when you’re in the middle of a forest. When you’re locked into this C, you can feel a sense of internal peace. Secondarily, calmness is about being grounded and centered in the face of stressful parts or situations. Using my previous example, after the first few seconds on stage, I thought “I’m here now,” and I felt myself settle into my calm. My anxious parts thought 12 minutes on stage was so long, but when I embodied my self-energy, it might as well have been 12 seconds because it flew by.
Part of what I realized when I allowed myself to emerge was that I’m naturally funny, charismatic, and I can think on my feet. This led me to the next C which is creativity. I had to encourage my protective parts to chill and let go of these burdens about unworthiness or fears that I would be found out or not good enough. This allowed me to be free to realize my full creative potential and embrace the novelty of the situation. I was able to banter with the host and provide mental health information to the crowd. As you’re listening to this, you may be thinking, “Dr. J, you give information to us every week and you’re at least entertaining some of the time.” That’s the problem with parts—in their haste, they sometimes rush past the objective truth to an imaginary hellscape of our own making.
This is why you need courage, which is the next C. When you embrace this quality of self-leadership, you’re approaching scary situations or parts that hold onto fear and you’re responding to them more intentionally. You also have the ability to hold a balance when addressing them and the world. You can apologize for any negative impact of your parts while also standing up for any injustice that may have been faced. For instance, if someone makes a comment that hurts my feelings and I yell at them, I can apologize for yelling while also maintaining that their comment was hurtful.
Clarity is the next quality. We want to maintain an unobstructed view, a clear view of parts and situations. In doing so, we aren’t projecting any of our fears or baggage onto this reality. We are seeing everything as it truly is.
Last but not least is connectedness. This is about recognizing that we are all connected and that separateness is an illusion. In embracing connectedness, we connect to all parts and to other people. We also have a desire to reconnect in healthy ways if disconnection has occurred.
I enjoy connecting with you all every week. Which of the 8 Cs do you want to work on? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.