How many of you have spent days or weeks patrolling someone’s social media, re-re-re-re-reading text exchanges, and internally chastising yourself for being inadequate or unlovable? Don’t be sheepish, it’s okay to acknowledge it.
Rejection is an inevitable part of the human experience, but sometimes, the fear of it can become overwhelming. Here are some of the signs that you struggle with rejection sensitivity.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Rejection is an inevitable part of the human experience, and most individuals encounter rejection at some point in their lives. However, for some people, the fear of rejection becomes overwhelming, leading to a heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection in social situations. Does this sound like you or someone you know? If so, you’re definitely going to want to keep listening!
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Rejection sensitivity refers to the tendency to anxiously expect, perceive, and have heightened responses to perceived rejection in social interactions. It is a cognitive and emotional process through which individuals interpret and respond to social cues and situations. People with high levels of rejection sensitivity often experience intense emotional reactions, such as sadness, anger, or anxiety when they perceive even subtle signs of rejection.
For example, I have worked with patients who have been turned down for a second date with an individual, and months later they are still ruminating about the rejection. Think about the math on that. Even if you have a date that is on the longer side, it’s only a few hours. However, how many of you have spent days or weeks patrolling someone’s social media, re-re-re-re-reading text exchanges, and internally chastising yourself for being inadequate or unlovable? Don’t be sheepish, it’s okay to acknowledge it.
The roots of rejection sensitivity can be traced back to early life experiences, particularly those related to attachment and social interactions during childhood. Children who experienced inconsistent caregiving, rejection, or neglect may develop a heightened sensitivity to rejection in later life. Moreover, negative experiences of rejection during childhood or adolescence can shape individuals' beliefs about themselves and others, contributing to the development of rejection sensitivity.
So, even if you grew up in a stable home environment, you could have had interpersonal situations related to bullying or rejection in romantic relationships that set the groundwork for this sensitivity. Here are some signs that you’re strugging with rejection sensitivity.
Heightened emotional reactivity
One of the primary signs of rejection sensitivity is the intense emotional reactions individuals exhibit in response to perceived rejection. Even minor cues, such as a friend not responding to a message promptly, can trigger strong feelings of sadness, anger, or anxiety. It can also cause us to act out in our relationships. For instance, instead of waiting for someone to get back to us, we may keep messaging them until they respond.
Overinterpretation of ambiguous social cues
Rejection-sensitive individuals tend to misinterpret ambiguous social cues as signs of rejection. For instance, a neutral facial expression from a coworker might be perceived as disapproval or rejection. Or some of my more modern favorites are patients trying to interpret text messaged statements like “ok” or “talk soon” in 95 different ways.
Anxiety in social situations or social interactions
People with rejection sensitivity may experience heightened anxiety and apprehension in social situations, particularly those where they anticipate the possibility of rejection or negative evaluation. In fact, I’ve had patients that were so influenced by public opinion that they had to put on full makeup just to go downstairs to get their mail from the doorman. If they were depressed and didn’t have the energy for it, their mail would simply pile up. Additionally, this avoidance of social situations or interactions can lead to loneliness for those with rejection sensitivity.
Excessive need for approval
Rejection-sensitive individuals often have an intense need for approval and validation from others. They might excessively seek reassurance and validation to alleviate their fears of rejection. This can be a burden in social environments because the person with rejection sensitivity never seems to trust the reassurance.
One way I’ve seen this come up is in romantic relationships, where one member needed their partner to constantly reassure them of their appearance. Going back to what I mentioned earlier about overinterpretation, they would misread environmental cues like the partner talking with a coworker, or label a passing glance as “checking someone out.” Most of us desire someone to call us pretty sometimes, but if you need daily reminders or validation it’s a sign that you may want to work on your own internal resources.
Anticipation of rejection
Rejection-sensitive individuals tend to anticipate rejection in advance of social interactions. This leads to anticipatory anxiety on top of whatever anxiety will be present in the situation. These actions can be taxing on your system because you remain in at least a semi-elevated state at all times.
Difficulty handling criticism
Constructive criticism or negative feedback may be particularly challenging for individuals with rejection sensitivity. They may interpret feedback as a form of rejection, even if it is intended to be helpful.
Rumination and overthinking
Rejection-sensitive individuals may ruminate and overthink social interactions, replaying them in their minds and focusing on perceived instances of rejection. So, not only do you have anticipatory anxiety leading up to the event, you have post-event rumination. You’re like a sports commentator that is rehashing and critiquing every social move you made except it’s not entertaining for anyone.
Strained relationships
Constantly expecting rejection and reacting strongly to perceived rejection can strain interpersonal relationships, as others may feel unsure of how to navigate around the individual's sensitivity.
When you struggle with rejection sensitivity and you’re not working on developing coping skills, it can be incredibly difficult for some folks to continue to hold space. They can start to feel like they have to walk on eggshells and that no amount of support or reassurance is enough. It doesn’t have to go down like this if you manage your rejection sensitivity effectively.
Mindfulness and emotional regulation
Practicing mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques can help you become more aware of your emotional reactions and respond to them in a healthy manner. You may get tired of hearing about mindfulness but various loving kindness, self-compassion, and breathing-based mindfulness meditations aid in alleviating rejection sensitivity over time.
Cognitive restructuring
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques, such as cognitive restructuring, can help you challenge and modifyyour negative thought patterns related to rejection. As you can probably tell with rejection sensitivity, the problem is in many cases more in the mind than it is in the environment. Being able to see rejection as a normal part of the human condition and challenge thoughts that unnecessarily heighten your fear responses to rejection will make a world of difference.
Gradual exposure
Gradual exposure to social situations that trigger rejection sensitivity can help desensitize you to the fear of rejection. Instead of avoiding rejection, we have to approach and embrace the possibility of it. The person I mentioned earlier eventually practiced going down to the mail room without makeup on. And guess what? Nothing bad happened and it removed a mountain of stress for them on a daily basis. They began to see putting on makeup as an option and not a requirement.
Building social skills
Enhancing social skills and assertiveness can help you navigate social situations with increased confidence. Not only will improving interpersonal skills be helpful in the moment, but developing better boundaries is a way to self-validate. When we are able to self-validate, we can have an easier time embracing rejection. For instance, instead of ruminating over the guy who didn’t want a second date, we could validate that we would have preferred a second date, but can understand and respect that the other person felt differently. It doesn’t mean that the rejection won’t sting, but instead of spending the next 6 months wondering why he never called you back, you can be out in the world continuing to move forward on whatever goals align with your worthwhile life.
What is one thing you would do with your time if you weren’t ruminating about rejection so much? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.