Learn practical, evidence-based communication strategies to deepen your relationships and combat loneliness. Psychologist Dr. Monica Johnson shares tips for active listening, vulnerability, and building emotional intimacy.
Learn practical, evidence-based communication strategies to deepen your relationships and combat loneliness. Psychologist Dr. Monica Johnson shares tips for active listening, vulnerability, and building emotional intimacy.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available here: https://savvy-psychologist.simplecast.com/episodes/communication-tips-for-deepening-relationships/transcript
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As a psychologist with years of experience working with individuals and couples, I've seen how powerful communication can be in creating deep, meaningful relationships. Whether you're trying to connect with a partner, friend, or family member, the way you talk and listen matters. Our words and presence have the potential to build bridges or deepen divides.
Today, I'm drawing on psychological research and lived experience to share strategies that can help you encourage more closeness in your relationships. These tools are not just about improving communication; they’re about cultivating emotional safety, trust, and intimacy.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
We are living in a time of deep social disconnection. Research consistently shows that people are feeling lonelier than ever. According to a 2021 survey from Harvard’s Making Caring Common Project, 36% of all Americans—including 61% of young adults and 51% of mothers with young children—report feeling "serious loneliness." Another study from the Survey Center on American Life found that the number of Americans who report having no close friends has quadrupled since 1990.
Loneliness isn’t just a painful emotional experience—it’s also a serious public health concern. Chronic loneliness has been linked to increased risks of heart disease, depression, anxiety, and even premature death. The U.S. Surgeon General has called loneliness a national health crisis.
In communities of color, these feelings can be compounded by systemic stressors, intergenerational trauma, and a culture that often tells us to be strong at the expense of our emotional needs. That’s why learning how to talk in ways that build closeness isn’t just a soft skill—it’s a survival skill.
When we learn to connect more deeply, we not only strengthen our relationships—we support our mental and physical well-being. Creating intimacy through communication can be a radical, healing act, especially in a world that often teaches us to be guarded.
Here are a few tips on how to communicate effectively in both new and old relationships.
1. Practice Active Listening
One of the most important steps to increasing closeness is listening—really listening. Active listening is more than just hearing words. It involves being fully present, showing empathy, and reflecting back what you hear.
Research shows that when people feel truly heard, their emotional bonds strengthen. According to Carl Rogers, a pioneer in humanistic psychology, unconditional positive regard and empathetic listening are central to fostering deep connection.
Tips for active listening:
2. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Conversations that foster intimacy often begin with open-ended questions. These are questions that invite deeper responses, rather than just yes or no answers. They communicate curiosity and genuine interest in the other person's inner world.
The Gottman Institute, which researches relationships, emphasizes that meaningful questions can create what they call "bids for connection."
Examples:
3. Be Vulnerable
Vulnerability is at the heart of intimacy. I know that, as Black women, we often carry a burden of strength. Society praises our resilience but overlooks our softness. It's okay to let down your guard with people who have earned your trust.
Brené Brown’s research on vulnerability shows that sharing your feelings, fears, and desires fosters connection. Of course, discernment is key. Vulnerability doesn’t mean oversharing with everyone—it means being open and real with those who matter.
Try saying:
4. Validate Emotions
Validation doesn't mean you agree with everything someone says. It means you recognize and respect their feelings. Emotional validation is one of the quickest ways to build safety and closeness in a relationship.
Psychologist Marsha Linehan, the developer of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), teaches that validation helps people feel seen and understood. It reduces defensiveness and opens the door to deeper connection.
Validation phrases:
5. Be Intentional with Your Words
Words can heal or harm. Be intentional in how you express yourself, especially during moments of conflict. Use "I" statements instead of blaming language. Express needs instead of making demands.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg, offers a framework for compassionate dialogue. It emphasizes observation, feelings, needs, and requests.
Instead of saying: "You never listen to me." Try: "I feel hurt when I don’t feel heard. I need to know that my voice matters."
6. Create Rituals of Connection
Connection doesn’t have to be spontaneous. Creating regular rituals—like a weekly phone call with a friend or bedtime check-ins with a partner—can help nurture emotional closeness.
Dr. Sue Johnson, a leader in emotionally focused therapy, talks about the importance of "accessible, responsive, and engaged" communication. Rituals help build those patterns over time.
Ideas:
7. Address Ruptures and Repair
No relationship is perfect. Conflicts, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings are inevitable. What matters most is how you repair those ruptures.
Apologizing, taking responsibility, and expressing a desire to rebuild are all essential. Research shows that repair attempts are a strong predictor of relationship satisfaction.
How to repair:
8. Cultivate Self-Awareness
Increasing closeness with others starts with knowing yourself. When you understand your own triggers, attachment style, and communication habits, you can show up more intentionally in your relationships.
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, shows how early experiences shape the way we connect. Whether you have an anxious, avoidant, or secure style, awareness helps you grow.
Ask yourself:
Talking to others to increase closeness isn’t just about better relationships—it’s about healing, liberation, and love. We are social creatures who have used storytelling since the beginning.
Use your voice, not just to be heard, but to understand and connect. Start small. Practice often. And remember: deep connection is built one brave, intentional conversation at a time. It’s good for your health and it’s good for the world.
Which one of these tips do you plan to use? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @kindmindpsych or via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.
The Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. It's audio engineered by Steve Riekeberg (RICKy-berg), with script editing by Brannan Goetschius. Our Podcast and Advertising Operations Specialist is Morgan Christiansen. Our Digital Operations Specialist is Holly Hutchings and Our Marketing and Publicity Associate is Davina Tomlin (TOM-lin). Nathaniel Hoopes is our Marketing contractor. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. That's all for this episode of Savvy Psychologist. Thanks for listening! I'll see you next week.