532. It's possible to have healthy, reciprocal relationships, even if you’re dealing with emotionally immature people. In this episode, Dr. Monica Johnson looks at how to reclaim your peace by understanding this dynamic. She looks at why your boundaries are essential and offers insights on how to disengage from unhealthy patterns so you can prioritize your well-being.
532. It's possible to have healthy, reciprocal relationships, even if you’re dealing with emotionally immature people. In this episode, Dr. Monica Johnson looks at how to reclaim your peace by understanding this dynamic. She looks at why your boundaries are essential and offers insights on how to disengage from unhealthy patterns so you can prioritize your well-being.
Find a transcript here.
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You know the type: always deflecting blame, overreacting to the smallest inconvenience, emotionally unavailable when you need support, and making you feel like you’re the crazy one for wanting healthy communication. You’re over here trying to build intimacy, and they’re throwing emotional dodgeballs. Welcome to the frustrating world of emotional immaturity and I’m here to help you deal with it.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Now, emotional immaturity is not about being silly, playful, or even the occasional meltdown. We all have them. Emotional immaturity is a persistent pattern, a stunted way of coping with emotions, conflict, and responsibility that makes relationships, well… exhausting.
Emotional immaturity refers to a person’s underdeveloped ability to process emotions, empathize with others, self-regulate, and take accountability for their actions. It’s like their emotional toolkit stopped upgrading somewhere around middle school.
According to psychological research, emotionally immature individuals tend to:
Think of it like this: They may have a grown adult body, a LinkedIn page, and a mortgage — but emotionally? They’re going straight to the principal's office.
In her book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, psychologist Lindsay Gibson explains that emotionally immature adults often live in a “subjective reality” where their emotional needs dictate their version of events. Instead of adapting or learning from mistakes, they double down, lash out, or retreat entirely.
I’m not here to excuse the behavior, but understanding it can help.
Emotional immaturity often stems from:
Childhood emotional neglect: If someone didn’t grow up in an environment where feelings were modeled, respected, or safely expressed, they likely didn’t develop those tools.
Trauma or chronic stress: Some people become emotionally “stuck” at the age when they experienced trauma.
Personality traits or disorders: Some individuals may have underlying traits of narcissism, borderline personality, or avoidant tendencies that impact emotional development.
Lack of accountability: If someone has always been coddled or enabled (hello, “golden child”), they may have never learned to take responsibility.
So what do you do when someone close to you — your partner, your boss, your parent — is emotionally immature?
Here are a few helpful strategies:
1. Set Clear Boundaries (and Keep Them)
Emotionally immature folks will test your limits. That’s why your boundaries must be crystal clear, consistent, and not up for negotiation. Be clear with them. It’s kind to them and to you. So instead of making vague statements like “Stop treating me like that,” replace it with “If you raise your voice, I will leave the conversation.”
2. Limit Emotional Labor
It is not your job to be someone’s emotional coach unless you’re getting paid and licensed for it (and even then, we set limits). Research on emotional labor shows that constant regulation of others’ feelings leads to burnout.
3. Use Empathic Confrontation
You can have empathy for someone’s struggles without getting entangled in their mess. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) encourages “radical acceptance” — acknowledging reality without trying to change it. Here is an example of what that can look like. So for example, let's say you have a friend or family member that has a history of borrowing money and not paying you back. They don’t have enough money to pay their car note this month and are again asking you for money. You can validate their frustration and anxiety over finances and still hold a boundary that you’re not giving them any money. Acknowledging reality means acknowledging natural consequences. If I have a history of not paying people back, they will be less likely to let me borrow money. If this is a person that overspends and refuses to budget. A natural consequence is being broke. Which leads me to…
4. Don’t Try to Fix or Parent Them
Their inner child is their responsibility. You can’t pour enough love into someone to make them emotionally mature. That’s an inside job.
5. Manage Expectations
Stop expecting someone to respond in a way they haven’t shown they’re capable of. That’s not optimism, it’s emotional gambling. Be honest with yourself about what they can realistically offer.
6. Create Emotional Distance When Needed
Not every relationship deserves front-row access to your heart. Some folks need to be loved… from the balcony with those gold binoculars. Research on toxic relationships supports the value of emotional distancing for well-being.
7. Seek Therapy for Yourself
If you’re feeling stuck, confused, or emotionally drained, therapy can help you rebuild your self-trust, clarify your boundaries, and learn how to disengage from unhealthy dynamics. Therapy isn’t about changing them, it’s about reclaiming you.
Emotional immaturity is not rare, and it’s not always malicious. But it is harmful, especially when it’s chronic, unacknowledged, or paired with manipulation. And if you’re the kind of person who tends to over-function — the helper, the fixer, the peacemaker — you might be especially vulnerable to these dynamics. So consider this your permission slip: You don’t have to explain basic decency. You’re not overreacting. You can choose peace over chaos. You can have relationships that feel safe, reciprocal, and emotionally mature.
And if you’re listening to this wondering, “Wait… am I emotionally immature sometimes?” The very fact that you’re self-reflecting means you’re on the right path. Growth is always possible. But only if you’re willing to look in the emotional mirror and reflect.
What is a strategy you’re taking when dealing with emotionally immature people? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @kindmindpsych or via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.
The Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. It's audio engineered by Steve Riekeberg. The Director of Podcasts is Holly Hutchings. Our Podcast and Advertising Operations Specialist is Morgan Christiansen, and Nathaniel Hoopes is our Marketing contractor. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. That's all for this episode of Savvy Psychologist. Thanks for listening! I'll see you next week.