Relationships often end due to factors like commitment issues, poor communication, emotional disconnect, and infidelity. In this episode, Monica unpacks the psychology behind breakups, drawing on research and real-world insights to help navigate relationship challenges.
Relationships often end due to factors like commitment issues, poor communication, emotional disconnect, and infidelity. In this episode, Monica unpacks the psychology behind breakups, drawing on research and real-world insights to help navigate relationship challenges.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Relationships are central to human experience, offering a sense of connection, belonging, and emotional fulfillment. However, not all relationships last, and understanding why they end can be critical for personal growth and the pursuit of healthier connections in the future. As a psychologist, I often encounter people seeking clarity about their relational struggles. Drawing on psychological research, I’ll outline key factors that commonly lead to the end of a relationship.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Lack of Commitment
Commitment—the willingness to prioritize the relationship and work through challenges—is essential for long-term success. Research highlights that perceived unequal commitment often leads to dissatisfaction. When one partner feels more invested than the other, it creates an imbalance that can strain the relationship’s stability. Partners can strengthen commitment by setting shared goals that reflect mutual priorities, reaffirming their commitment through consistent actions and words, and addressing underlying doubts or insecurities through open and honest communication. If you’re in the early stages of dating or a relationship, make sure that you’re not putting in all the effort. If you’re waiting 12 days to get an answer back regarding a date, it’s likely the person isn’t that interested in you. If you’re talking about long term goals and you’re not engaging in action steps that may be something to address within the relationship. Is the person giving you lip service and saying they want to build a life together, but when it comes to actually creating action steps and following through with them there is no movement–that may be something to look out for.
Communication
Communication is the foundation of any successful relationship, yet it is also one of the most common areas where couples falter. Research by John Gottman, a psychologist known for his work on marital stability, identifies four communication patterns—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—as predictors of relationship dissolution.These patterns, collectively referred to as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” erode trust and intimacy over time. When partners fail to effectively express their needs or resolve conflicts constructively, misunderstandings multiply, leading to emotional distance and dissatisfaction. Practical strategies for improving communication include active listening, using ‘I’ statements to express feelings without assigning blame, and seeking couples counseling to develop healthier communication patterns. Keep in mind that whoever you are with is your team mate. You have to be able to understand the perspective of the other, communicate effectively through tension, and make reasonable concessions with one another. These are skills that I often see lacking in many people.
Loss of Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy involves feeling seen, understood, and supported by a partner. When this bond weakens, partners may feel isolated, even while remaining physically together. Some research highlights that emotional neglect can be as damaging as active conflict. Over time, a lack of effort in maintaining emotional closeness can create an insurmountable divide, leaving one or both partners feeling unfulfilled. Coping mechanisms for rebuilding emotional intimacy include scheduling quality time together, practicing vulnerability by sharing personal thoughts and feelings, and engaging in activities that foster mutual connection. I remember the popular, “We Listen and We Don’t Judge” trend that people engaged in online. This is very similar to what I’m talking about, except you're not actually practicing vulnerability if you’re doing it for the internet. To get the most out of an activity like this, do it in private with the person who you are trying to deepen your relationship with.
Infidelity
Infidelity, whether emotional or physical, is one of the leading causes of breakups. Studies show that infidelity breaches the trust necessary for a stable relationship. While some couples are able to recover from such betrayals with therapy and other strategies, many find the rupture irreparable. Infidelity often reflects deeper issues within the relationship, such as unmet emotional or physical needs, further complicating reconciliation. Steps for coping with infidelity include seeking therapy to address underlying issues, working actively to rebuild trust through transparency and consistent actions, and evaluating whether the relationship aligns with both partners’ long-term needs and values. Contrary to popular belief, you can recover from infidelity but it does require all parties to put in the effort. If you’re the person who has been cheated on, you may want to consider the context–did this happen once or has this individual been cheating on you throughout the relationship. This type of data may influence your desire to work on rebuilding your relationship with this person. If you’re a person who chronically cheats on people, you may want to reflect on why you continue to agree to exclusive relationships when you haven’t shown that you have the skillset to maintain them. If you’re a person who engages in these actions and has no empathy for the other, you’re probably not listening to this video or caring about the potential harmful impact you’re having on others and I hope you come to understand the error of your ways.
Conflict and Incompatibility
All couples face disagreements, but the frequency, intensity, and resolution of these conflicts play a crucial role in relationship longevity. Persistent, unresolved conflicts can cause emotional exhaustion and resentment. Additionally, incompatibility in values, lifestyles, or goals can create friction that becomes impossible to ignore.I can’t say this enough–you need to know your values and what you need as a person. It doesn’t mean that people have to be the same as you. In fact, in some instances having a person who is complementary is best. Perhaps you both agree that financial stability is a core value. One of you may have more difficulty with managing budgets than the other. It would be great if you struggled with money, to have someone who could make sure your long term goals stay on track. You may have disagreements about money at times, but as long as you have the skills to manage these situations in a healthy manner that’s normal. Issues come into play when you have a fundamental difference where a middle path can’t be sought. For example, if children are important to you and you downplayed that in the beginning of the relationship–it’s likely to get worse as you move forward. You can’t assume this person is going to change their mind about that topic. Techniques for resolving conflict and dealing with incompatibility include practicing compromise, engaging in conflict resolution training to develop effective communication skills, and focusing on shared goals that reinforce the partnership.
While these are not all of the reasons why relationships end, these are ones that I talk about on a weekly basis with my patients. Having close connections are imperative to our well being as humans, whether it’s romantic or otherwise, please continue to fine tune your understanding of yourself and your needs and seek the communities and people where you have a sense of belonging.
How are you going to change your dating habits this year? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @kindmindpsych or via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.
The Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. It's audio engineered by Steve Riekeberg, with script editing by Brannan Goetschius. Our Podcast and Advertising Operations Specialist is Morgan Christiansen. Our Digital Operations Specialist is Holly Hutchings and Our Marketing and Publicity Associate is Davina Tomlin. Nathaniel Hoopes is our Marketing contractor. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. That's all for this episode of Savvy Psychologist. Thanks for listening! I'll see you next week.