531. Have you ever wondered why some relationships last while others fizzle? In this episode, Dr. Johnson looks at Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love to help you understand the dynamics of your relationships. She looks at the roles of emotional closeness, physical attraction, and long-term commitment, and how their presence or absence shapes different kinds of love.
531. Have you ever wondered why some relationships last while others fizzle? In this episode, Dr. Johnson looks at Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love to help you understand the dynamics of your relationships. She looks at the roles of emotional closeness, physical attraction, and long-term commitment, and how their presence or absence shapes different kinds of love.
Find a full transcript here.
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When we talk about love, most people picture butterflies, late-night phone calls, or maybe that movie scene where someone runs through an airport. But real love? The kind that lasts longer than your phone’s battery on a bad day? That love takes more than chemistry—it takes structure. Robert Sternberg offered us a way to understand that structure with his Triangular Theory of Love.
Whether you’re trying to decode your situationship, wondering why you keep falling for the same type, or reflecting on why a great relationship fizzled, this theory has some answers. Let’s break it down so you can start making love make sense.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Sternberg’s model suggests that love is made up of three essential components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Intimacy refers to emotional closeness, trust, and connectedness. Passion is the physical and sexual attraction, the chemistry and fire that makes your heart race. Commitment is the decision to love someone and stick with them over time. Each of these elements forms a corner of a triangle, and different combinations of them create different kinds of love. Strong, lasting love usually includes all three, forming what Sternberg calls “consummate love” (Sternberg, 1986). But if one of these components is missing, the triangle becomes lopsided, and so does the relationship.
Intimacy is the emotional glue of a relationship. It’s the sense that you can be fully yourself with another person, and be met with empathy, warmth, and respect. You feel emotionally safe enough to share your fears and dreams, and to be vulnerable without fear of rejection. Research on adult attachment shows that intimacy is strongly correlated with secure attachment styles, which promote healthy communication and emotional availability in romantic partnerships (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
Passion, on the other hand, is the energetic pull between two people, the desire, excitement, and attraction that often characterize the beginning of a romance. It may start off strong and then fade, but it doesn’t have to disappear completely. With intentionality, it can be sustained. Neuropsychological research shows that passion activates the brain’s reward system, particularly the release of dopamine, which is the same neurotransmitter involved in motivation and pleasure (Fisher et al., 2006). Passion fuels the excitement that keeps relationships from feeling stale or routine.
Commitment is the promise you make to show up for the relationship, even when it’s inconvenient. It’s the long-term investment in building a shared life. According to Rusbult’s Investment Model of Commitment (1980), commitment increases when individuals perceive greater satisfaction, invest more resources, and have fewer attractive alternatives. In this way, commitment is not just a moral choice it’s also a calculated decision based on perceived benefits and stability.
Different combinations of these three components form different types of love. Liking, for example, is made up of intimacy alone. It’s the kind of deep friendship where you feel emotionally connected but there’s no physical or romantic dimension. Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King exemplify this with their decades-long platonic bond. Infatuation is passion without intimacy or commitment. Think of Jack and Rose from Titanic, whose whirlwind romance was full of chemistry but lacked depth or a shared future. Empty love is all commitment with no spark or emotional closeness.
Romantic love blends intimacy and passion but lacks commitment. Romeo and Juliet fall into this category, burning bright but never building a lasting foundation. Companionate love combines intimacy and commitment like the deep, enduring friendship between Meredith Grey and Cristina Yang from Grey's Anatomy. Fatuous love is a fast commitment driven by passion, but without true emotional connection, think Vegas drive-thru wedding energy. Consummate love includes all three. Barack and Michelle Obama are often cited as an example of this ideal passion, intimacy, and a steady, growing commitment that has weathered decades.
While these categories are helpful, real-life relationships are dynamic. Our love triangles shift shape over time, often in response to stress, major life changes, or emotional growth. For example, passion may decline during periods of depression or chronic stress, while intimacy may deepen after going through hardship together. Research shows that couples who actively work on maintaining all three dimensions report higher relationship satisfaction and resilience over time (Acker & Davis, 1992).
Mental health plays a huge role in shaping each component of love. Supporting intimacy starts with healing. If you’ve experienced trauma or struggle with vulnerability, therapy can provide a safe place to unpack your relational patterns. Building intimacy means sharing your inner world gradually and authentically. Practicing mindfulness can help you stay present during emotionally intense conversations, allowing you to engage instead of shutting down or escaping. Journaling your feelings and emotional needs can also give you clarity, which helps when communicating with your partner. Research supports that mindfulness practices enhance emotional regulation, which is crucial for fostering intimacy (Carson et al., 2004).
Passion may be physical, but it’s also deeply psychological. Mental health issues like depression, anxiety, or chronic stress can dampen desire, which is why caring for your overall well-being is so essential. This includes sleep, movement, nutrition, and pleasure—not just sexual, but play, creativity, and curiosity. Talking openly with your partner about what excites you can breathe life back into routine relationships. Exploring new hobbies, taking risks together, and engaging in novelty even outside the bedroom stimulates the brain’s reward centers and can reignite the spark. Studies have shown that novelty and shared excitement significantly boost romantic desire and long-term satisfaction (Aron et al., 2000).
Commitment is more than staying together; it's the ongoing decision to choose someone. But that decision can be blocked by internal fears of abandonment, engulfment, or inadequacy. Therapy can help you challenge all-or-nothing thinking and perfectionistic expectations about what love should look like. Commitment thrives when values are aligned and openly discussed. Setting goals as a couple, checking in about your future vision, and repairing trust through consistent follow-through builds the scaffolding for long-term success. When you trust yourself to show up and trust your partner to do the same commitment becomes less scary and more empowering. Relationship education programs that emphasize goal-setting, communication, and conflict resolution are consistently linked with stronger and longer-lasting commitments (Stanley, Markman, & Whitton, 2002).
What Sternberg’s triangle teaches us is that love isn’t just a one-time discovery, it’s a continual process of recalibration. We might start out with lots of passion and very little commitment, or we might marry our best friend and forget how to flirt. But when we step back and ask ourselves what’s missing or what needs tending we gain the power to create more balanced and fulfilling love.
Love is not just an emotional experience; it’s a psychological practice. When we invest in our mental health, we become better lovers, better partners, and better people. Strong triangles don’t just form naturally; they're built with intention, healing, and care.
How are you investing in yourself so you can show up better in your relationships? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @kindmindpsych or via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.
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