Grief is a process that can unfold over time, so it won’t always look the same, even in the same person.
Have you dealt with the loss of a loved one or have fears about it? If so, I have some ideas for how to cope.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a mental health question? Email us at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 929-256-2191.
Find Savvy Psychologist on Facebook and Twitter, or subscribe to the newsletter for more psychology tips.
Savvy Psychologist is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.
Links:
https://quickanddirtytips.com/savvy-psychologist
https://www.facebook.com/savvypsychologist
https://twitter.com/qdtsavvypsych
https://www.kindmindpsych.com/
Have you dealt with the loss of a loved one or have fears about it? If so, I have some ideas for how to cope.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Grief is a natural and normal response to loss. It is a complex and multifaceted experience that can affect individuals emotionally, cognitively, physically, and behaviorally. Grief can be triggered by a variety of losses, including the death of a loved one or pet, the end of a significant relationship, the loss of a job or home, or the diagnosis of a serious illness. However, for the purposes of today’s episode, we are going to focus on the death of a loved one.
The experience of grief can vary widely from person to person and may involve a range of emotions, such as sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, and despair. Grief can also affect an individual's thinking and cognition, leading to difficulty concentrating, making decisions, or remembering things. Physical symptoms of grief may include fatigue, insomnia, and headaches. Grief can also lead to changes in behavior, such as withdrawal from social activities and relationships, or engaging in risky or self-destructive behaviors.
Grief is a process that can unfold over time, so it won’t always look the same, even in the same person. Some individuals may experience a sense of numbness or disbelief immediately following a loss, while others may be overwhelmed by their emotions. Over time, individuals may move through a variety of stages of grief, such as shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In grief, you can flow back and forward and around when it comes to your responses to the loss.
Dr. Therese Rando is a psychologist and grief specialist who developed what is called the Six R’s of Grief. Her process of mourning is a model for understanding the grieving process and helping individuals cope with the emotions and experiences associated with loss. Her model emphasizes the importance of actively engaging in the mourning process and offers a framework for understanding the complex and often unpredictable nature of grief. Rando's process of mourning includes six stages. Let’s take a look at each stage.
Recognizing the loss: The first stage of Rando's model involves recognizing the reality of the loss and acknowledging its significance. This may involve experiencing shock, disbelief, or denial, but eventually, you begin to accept the reality of the loss. As you approach and understand the permanence of the loss and the circumstances surrounding it, you can move forward to other stages. This stage can be difficult and may involve a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, confusion, or numbness. It is important that you allow yourself to experience and express these emotions in a healthy and safe way, such as through talking with a trusted friend or therapist, writing in a journal, or engaging in creative activities.
Reacting to the separation: The second stage involves experiencing a range of emotional reactions to the loss, such as sadness, anger, guilt, or anxiety. This stage can be intense and may involve physical symptoms, such as fatigue, sleep disturbances, or changes in appetite. It is important to allow yourself to feel and express these emotions, as suppressing or avoiding them can prolong the grieving process. Additionally, it’s important to recognize and grieve the secondary losses associated with this loss. This can include unmet needs, dreams, hopes, expectations, or status to name a few. If we want to eventually adjust to a new reality, we must have a comprehensive understanding of the void that’s been left by the loss.
Recollecting and re-experiencing the deceased and the relationship: The third stage involves reflecting on the relationship with the person who has died and remembering the positive, negative, or neutral experiences that were shared. This may involve recollecting memories, looking at photographs or other mementos, or engaging in activities that were meaningful to the relationship. This stage can be painful but also offers an opportunity to honor and remember the person who has been lost. It is important to note that this stage can take time and may involve a range of emotions and experiences. If you want to untie yourself from the bonds of grief, you have to first assess the knot.
Relinquishing the old attachments: The fourth stage involves gradually releasing the attachments to the person who has died and the relationship that was shared. This may involve letting go of possessions, habits, or activities that were associated with the deceased. This stage can be difficult and may involve feelings of guilt or anxiety, but it is important to recognize that letting go is a normal part of the grieving process. This stage may also involve finding new ways to connect with the person who has been lost, such as through creating a memorial or participating in a ritual or ceremony.
Readjusting to the new world without forgetting the old: The fifth stage involves finding ways to adjust to life without the person who has died, while still maintaining a connection to their memory. This may involve making changes to daily routines, engaging in new activities or hobbies, or establishing new relationships. This stage can be challenging but also offers an opportunity to create a new life that incorporates the loss. It is important to note that this stage does not mean forgetting or moving on from the loss, but rather finding a way to continue living in spite of it.
Reinvesting in the new reality: The final stage involves finding a way to move forward and create a new life that incorporates the loss. This may involve pursuing new goals, taking on new roles or responsibilities, or finding ways to give back to others. You need to redirect the emotional energy that was bestowed to the relationship with the deceased loved one back into your life in healthy ways. This stage can be empowering and may involve finding new meaning or purpose in life.
It is important to note that the process of mourning is unique to each individual, and there is no set timeline for moving through each stage. It is also common for individuals to move back and forth between stages or experience multiple stages simultaneously.
Research has shown that coping with death and grief in a healthy way can have a range of positive benefits for individuals. Here are some of the key benefits:
Improved emotional well-being: Coping with death in a healthy way can help people process their emotions and find a sense of peace and acceptance. Research has shown that people who engage in healthy coping strategies such as seeking support, practicing self-care, and expressing their emotions are less likely to experience symptoms of depression and anxiety.
Increased resilience: Coping with the loss of a loved one can be a challenging and emotionally taxing experience. However, research has shown that folks who are able to cope with the loss in a healthy way can develop greater resilience and the ability to handle future challenges and setbacks.
Enhanced social support: Seeking support from friends, family, or a support group can be a key component of healthy grieving. Research has shown that people who receive support from others during the grieving process are more likely to experience positive outcomes such as reduced symptoms of depression and anxiety, improved overall well-being, and greater satisfaction with life.
Greater sense of purpose and meaning: Coping with death can prompt individuals to reflect on their values and priorities, and to find new sources of purpose and meaning in life. Finding meaning and purpose in the loss can be a key factor in coping with grief and finding a sense of peace.
I want to acknowledge that we can have ambivalent feelings about moving on from a loss. I know for myself, I have a romantic and passionate heart and when I think about letting go, the first words that come to my mind are “hell no!” However, when you keep yourself actively attached to death, it starts to eat away at everything else. You can go from feeling like a human being to an oxygenated flesh sack. That’s not living and letting go isn’t about forgetting about them. It’s about figuring out how to carry forward their essence, the parts of them that can live on within you without impeding you from having new experiences.
One of the benefits of living is that we have continued opportunities for growth. I think back to one of my favorite serious lines in Buffy the Vampire Slayer: “The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live.” When I think about everything that I’ve lost and everything that I will lose and honoring myself and that important other, I always land on that. Be brave. Live. It always appears to be the correct answer regardless of religious or philosophical thoughts on living and dying.
Living involves all the ups and downs. You’re brave if you allow yourself to snot-cry through you and your deceased best friend’s favorite movie, you’re also brave if you decide to finally start that new business that you always talked to your mom about. There is bravery in falling down and in standing up as long as you’re ultimately committing to living. Exploring the loss and going through the grief process will deepen your life if you allow it. And if you need a few songs for your ugly cry playlist, reach out.
What has helped you cope with loss? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.