548. In a culture of likes, reviews, and constant comparison, deciding if you’ve "done well" can feel impossible. This week, interim host Dr. Ellen Hendriksen unpacks the trap of tying your value to others’ approval. She explores when external evaluation works and when it emphatically fails. She also shares three simple questions to help you define success on your own terms.
548. In a culture of likes, reviews, and constant comparison, deciding if you’ve "done well" can feel impossible. This week, interim host Dr. Ellen Hendriksen unpacks the trap of tying your value to others’ approval. She explores when external evaluation works and when it emphatically fails. She also shares three simple questions to help you define success on your own terms.
Find Dr. Ellen Hendriksen on Substack.
Find Dr. Jade Wu on her website.
Find a transcript here.
Have a mental health question? Email us at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.
Find Savvy Psychologist on Facebook and Twitter, or subscribe to the newsletter for more psychology tips.
Savvy Psychologist is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.
Links:
https://quickanddirtytips.com/savvy-psychologist
https://www.facebook.com/savvypsychologist
https://twitter.com/qdtsavvypsych
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your interim host, Dr. Ellen Hendriksen and this is my last episode of interim hosting. You’ll have a brand new Savvy Psychologist soon, and as always, they’ll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
This week: how to know if you did a good job.
In our competitive, ratings-oriented culture, evaluation is everywhere. We’re immersed in reviews, likes, and follows, which makes it hard to escape the pull of other people’s opinions.
In this context, to decide if we did well at something, it’s easy to default to asking “Did people like it?” “Did I get approval?” For example, did I get compliments on my presentation? Did people exclaim in delight over my charcuterie board? Did I get a standing ovation at karaoke?
“Did people like it?” can be a legitimate part of evaluating your performance. After all, an editor does have to greenlight your work before they publish it, a coach does have to approve your routine for competition. Plus, getting compliments and positive feedback feels good. “Did people like it?” can work when we’re trying to determine if what we did was good.
However, sometimes “Did people like it?” emphatically does not work. There is a term from perfectionism research called overevaluation, which is when we conflate our performance with our self-worth. Think striver students defining themselves by their grades or investors confusing their net worth with their self-worth. Forgive my grammar, but it’s I did good, so I am good, or I did bad, so I am bad.
If that wasn’t enough, overevaluation gets supersized if we take other people’s judgment of our performance and turn it into a judgment of ourselves as a person.
Think of athletes or musicians who define themselves by the roar of the crowd, social media influencers who confuse their self-worth with their number of followers, or a parent who measures their value solely on how successful or well-behaved their children appear to others.
In sum, when our performances define us and we outsource opinions to others, our worth is never a settled question. Every performance becomes a referendum on our character. “Who I am” gets tangled up with “How I am received.”
Therefore, today, let’s offer three alternatives to “Did people like it?” Here are three questions you can ask that allow you to determine if what you did was good. The goal? Let’s make others’ approval a cherry on top, rather than the entire ice cream sundae.
Mindset Shift 1: “Did I fulfill my intention?”
This question works when “good” is subjective: who’s to say if your outfit, the heavy metal album your band recorded in your garage, or the fan fiction you wrote is “good?”
Opinions, by nature, are subjective and personal. Also, quality doesn’t ensure broad appeal—think of the amazing cult TV show that never hits it big, or the drool-worthy food truck that somehow hasn’t been discovered. Let’s not even get into Betamax.
Instead, ask yourself: “Did I fulfill my intention?” In other words, did I do what I set out to do? Did I stay true to my purpose?
For example, my intention with writing my books is always to be helpful, accessible, and stay true to the science. Is it nice when readers like them? Of course! Does it feel good to get positive reviews? Of course! But I try to measure “success” by meeting my intentions.
Mindset Shift 2: “Am I being the kind of person I want to be?”
This one is a guiding light when the proverbial waters are muddied by guilt, anxiety, resentment, or confusion.
A client of mine we’ll call Nora is a busy mom of four kids. Last Friday, her daughter texted her from school to say she had forgotten about hockey practice and could Nora please, please bring her bag of gear? Nora agreed, but then accidentally grabbed and delivered a bag of her son’s lacrosse gear to her daughter. Her daughter had to sit self-consciously in the stands during practice because of Nora’s error.
Nora was beside herself. “She missed practice because of me. The coach is going to be so mad. These kids deserve a better mom.” Nora was mortified not only by her mistake, but by the likelihood that her daughter and the coach would be displeased.
So rather than focusing on the perceived disapproval of others, we looked at the situation through Nora’s values. Nora wants to be a mother who is attentive, helpful, and enriches her children’s lives through experiences.
And when we looked through that lens, Nora had lived every single one of those values. She reflected, “Bringing her equipment—even if it was wrong—was attentive and helpful, and she certainly had an experience. It didn’t kill her. Or me.” Nora still felt guilty and foolish for grabbing the wrong bag, but she was able to gain some perspective.
Most importantly, even if Nora made a mistake by delivering the wrong equipment, she still acted in accordance with who she wants to be as a mom.
For you, next time you’re second-guessing yourself or an outcome goes sideways, look at your actions. Were they in line with your values? If so, even if you regret the end result, you were still being the person you aim to be.
Mindset Shift 3: “Did I enjoy myself?”
Here, the focus is squarely on process. This mindset shift works when we put pressure on ourselves to gain approval even when we’re learning something new, not very good at something, or performance isn’t the point.
For example, an acquaintance of mine is learning how to knit. But her knitting looks like, as she put it, “an ungroomed goldendoodle.” It’s not winning any awards.
But that’s not the point. She says it’s relaxing and meditative. She likes improving her skills, for sure, but improvement also isn’t the point. For her, the point is flexing her creative muscle. For someone else, it could be engaging a different part of their brain, or enjoying the soothing cadence of repetitive motion. The take home? As long as it’s enjoyable, you’re doing it right.
So to sum it up, when you’re trying to determine if what you did or made was good, instead of asking “did people like it?” next time try out: Did I fulfill my intention? Am I being the person I want to be? And did I enjoy myself? Ultimately, those answers matter more than what anyone else thinks.
This is my last episode as a guest host, and I miss you already! So why not come on over to Substack and join the community at my newsletter, How to Be Good to Yourself When You’re Hard on Yourself. It’s free, plus you'll find lots of resources for those of us who are wired to be our own worst critic. I'd love to see you there. Just search for How to be Good to Yourself When You’re Hard on Yourself, or my name, Ellen Hendriksen. See you over on Substack!
Before I go, I want to let you know that for the next few weeks, Savvy Psychologist will be revisiting some of our most popular 'Best Of' episodes while we transition to our next permanent host. We’ll be making an official announcement very soon, so stay tuned!
The Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team at QDT: Steve Riekeberg, who engineers the show; director of podcasts Holly Hutchings; Morgan Christianson in advertising; and Rebekah Sebastian and Nathaniel Hoopes in marketing. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.