549. Meetings are everywhere—from work and faculty meetings to HOAs and book clubs. But speaking up can feel intimidating, especially if you struggle with social anxiety, perfectionism, or power dynamics. In this episode, we unpack why staying silent feels safer and why it rarely feels good afterward. Then we walk through six practical, low-pressure strategies to help you participate without needing the “perfect” comment.
549. Meetings are everywhere—from work and faculty meetings to HOAs and book clubs. But speaking up can feel intimidating, especially if you struggle with social anxiety, perfectionism, or power dynamics. In this episode, we unpack why staying silent feels safer and why it rarely feels good afterward. Then we walk through six practical, low-pressure strategies to help you participate without needing the “perfect” comment.
Related episodes:
Modern Mentor episode 869 - Make meetings matter: Intentional gatherings for impact
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Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, and I'm back again as your interim host. Here at the show, we help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Meetings! From the Monday team meeting, to the faculty meeting, HOA meeting, and 12-step meeting, meetings happen all the time. Even your book club is technically a meeting.
But just because meetings are common, doesn’t mean participating is easy. If we’re familiar with social anxiety or perfectionism, if we’re junior, new, or somehow ended up sitting next to the boss’s boss, or if we’re an “only”--the only woman on the team, the only neurodivergent person in the room, etc., speaking up in a meeting can feel less like a contribution and more like a threat.
We don’t want to risk saying something stupid, feel like we have nothing to say, or risk blabbering on and on. But then we don’t say anything at all, and end up feeling as ignored as whatever’s in the back of the office fridge.
Thankfully, there’s no need to wait until we magically conjure a perfectly-timed slam-dunk of a comment. Instead, try these 6 strategies to get talking:
STRATEGY 1: Speak early. The longer we wait to speak, the harder it gets. Aim to speak in the first 10 minutes, or ask one of the first questions during the Q&A. Once you get it over with, you’ll be able to listen with a clearer head, which may lead to...having something else to say.
STRATEGY 2: Preface your thought (for now). If you’re still getting your public speaking sea legs, it’s okay to preface your thought with the equivalent of, “This is not a complete thought” or “I’m spitballing here.”
For example: “This idea is still forming, but I think employees would rather have a more flexible schedule than a quarterly barbecue.”
As you gain experience and comfort speaking up, aim to drop this kind of hedging and qualifying, but for now, if it provides a stepping stone to get you talking, by all means try it.
STRATEGY 3: Amplify a colleague. Do what women and minorities have teamed up to do in meetings for decades: back each other up by amplifying the comment of a co-worker whose contribution is at risk for getting overlooked such as “I want to highlight what Olivia said a moment ago--I think that should be a major benchmark moving forward.”
STRATEGY 4: Let your body show you want to talk. To break into the discussion, change your posture or take a breath. Lean in, open your mouth, take a breath in, or raise your hand a few inches. The movement will catch others’ eyes and indicate you want to say something. On Zoom, you can make use of the raised hand emoji.
STRATEGY 5: Match your body to the message. Next while you are speaking, keep your head up and speak to the group. When we mumble into our lap or ask our question to the ceiling, it appears as if we’re commenting to ourselves, which sends a confusing message: "Is she talking to us? Or to herself? Was that a question? Or a side comment?"
Whenever we get an awkward vibe after we speak, it’s often because we sent a mixed message--giggling while asking a serious question, making a serious comment while keeping our head down--and people are unsure how to respond. Therefore, match your body to your message. It takes some practice, but the results can be magical.
STRATEGY 6: Aim for +1. You don’t have to do a 180. If you’re working on speaking up more, use the +1 approach. If you don’t speak at all, aim to speak once a meeting. If you typically speak once, amp it up to twice, or once plus a question. Practice won’t make perfect, but it doesn’t have to. Instead, practice will inspire confidence, which feels even better than a flexible schedule or a quarterly barbecue.
If you enjoyed this episode, come join 8000 of your closest friends over at my Substack newsletter, How to Be Good to Yourself When You’re Hard on Yourself. It’s free, plus you'll find lots of resources for those of us who are wired to be our own worst critic. I'd love to see you there. Just search for How to be Good to Yourself When You’re Hard on Yourself, or my name, Ellen Hendriksen. See you over on Substack!
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