530. Do you often find yourself agreeing to things you don't want to do? In this episode, we look at the deep psychological and cultural reasons behind people-pleasing, from social conditioning to the fear of rejection. We look at how this tendency can lead to burnout, resentment, and a loss of self-trust, and offer ways to understand why you might struggle to say "no.”
530. Do you often find yourself agreeing to things you don't want to do? In this episode, we look at the deep psychological and cultural reasons behind people-pleasing, from social conditioning to the fear of rejection. We look at how this tendency can lead to burnout, resentment, and a loss of self-trust, and offer ways to understand why you might struggle to say "no.”
Find a full transcript here.
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We’ve all been there: nodding our heads and smiling while deep down we’re thinking, "I really don’t want to do this." Whether it’s taking on a work project you’re too exhausted for, attending a social event when you’re craving solitude, or loaning money you can’t afford to spare, we’ve all agreed to things that we didn’t want. But why?
As a psychologist and someone who’s sat with hundreds of clients working through this exact issue, I can assure you—it’s not just a personal failing. It’s psychology, it’s culture, it’s survival. And the good news? You can change it.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
First, let’s discuss why we say yes when we really mean no.
From childhood, we’re taught to be polite, helpful, and agreeable. For women, this often translates into being seen as the rock, the nurturer, or the fixer. Refusing a request can feel like we’re failing those roles.
Psychologist Carol Gilligan’s research highlighted how women are socialized into an "ethic of care," which prioritizes relationships over personal needs. Saying yes becomes a way to maintain connection and avoid guilt.
Humans are wired for connection. According to Baumeister and Leary’s (1995) "Belongingness Hypothesis," we have a fundamental need to be accepted. Saying no feels risky—what if they think we’re selfish, lazy, or mean?
This fear can be heightened by past trauma or attachment wounds. If we learned early on that love was conditional or that conflict led to punishment, we may equate "no" with danger.
The famous Milgram experiments (1963) showed that people will comply with authority figures even when it violates their own moral compass. In less dramatic but everyday ways, we say yes to bosses, doctors, or even parents out of deference to power.
Even among peers, Asch’s (1951) conformity experiments found that individuals often go along with the group—even when they know the group is wrong—just to avoid standing out.
Some of us carry mental scripts like, "I’m only valuable if I’m helpful," or "If I say no, they’ll stop liking me." These cognitive distortions often stem from earlier life experiences and are reinforced by societal messaging.
The “acquiescence bias,” or “yea-saying,” refers to the psychological tendency to agree with others—especially when under stress, unsure, or wanting to avoid confrontation.
Saying yes too often can lead to:
As Dr. Brené Brown puts it, "Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it."
Let’s break down the tools to help you practice saying no without losing your mind or your relationships.
Start by noticing where and when you say yes reflexively. Keep a journal or voice note:
Mindfulness-based approaches help cultivate this self-awareness. With practice, you’ll start catching yourself before the “yes” slips out.
One of the simplest but most powerful tools is the pause. Say:
This tactic buys time, reduces anxiety, and helps override your automatic response. Research on decision-making shows that time buffers reduce impulsive compliance.
When you’re clear on what truly matters to you, saying no becomes easier. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) encourages defining your core values as a guidepost.
Ask yourself:
Prepare a few go-to phrases. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) supports rehearsing assertive responses to reduce anxiety.
Here are a few research-backed examples:
Researchers found that participants who used pre-planned refusal scripts reported greater satisfaction and less stress after saying no.
Just like athletes train muscles, we can train assertiveness. Role-play saying no with a friend or therapist. Practicing decreases anxiety and builds confidence.
A 2019 meta-analysis found that assertiveness training improved self-esteem, reduced social anxiety, and helped people make healthier choices.
After saying no, guilt might creep in. Use self-compassion strategies when it does.Say:
Dr. Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion emphasizes kindness to self as a buffer against shame and burnout.
Sometimes, saying no will upset people. That’s okay. The goal isn’t to control their reaction, it’s to align your actions with your truth.
In my own life, I tell people I default to yes, and if I’m saying no it’s because I have my reasons. Obviously when you’re telling someone no, they might not validate your reasons and that’s also okay.
Let’s say your coworker asks you to cover their shift. You’re exhausted, but your first instinct is to say yes. Instead:
You are not selfish for having limits. You are not mean for declining. You are not less worthy because you didn’t say yes.
The world won’t fall apart when you set boundaries but you might finally stop falling apart by upholding your own limits. So, let’s start saying yes to saying no!
What stops you from saying no when you need to? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @kindmindpsych or via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.
The Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. It's audio engineered by Steve Riekeberg. The Director of Podcasts is Holly Hutchings. Our Podcast and Advertising Operations Specialist is Morgan Christiansen, and Nathaniel Hoopes is our Marketing contractor. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. That's all for this episode of Savvy Psychologist. Thanks for listening! I'll see you next week.