550. Continuing our two-part series on speaking up at work, this week's episode tackles how to talk with someone intimidating—a boss, professor, or anyone who makes your adrenaline spike. You’ll learn how to recognize dominance signals, mentally humanize scary people, use your own body language to project calm confidence, and prepare for tough conversations without overpreparing. Regardless of your intimidating situation, these four practical tools will help you use your voice with more clarity and self-respect.
550. Continuing our two-part series on speaking up at work, this week's episode tackles how to talk with someone intimidating—a boss, professor, or anyone who makes your adrenaline spike. You’ll learn how to recognize dominance signals, mentally humanize scary people, use your own body language to project calm confidence, and prepare for tough conversations without overpreparing. Regardless of your intimidating situation, these four practical tools will help you use your voice with more clarity and self-respect.
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Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm Dr. Ellen Hendriksen and I'm back again as your interim host. Here at the show, we help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Last week we talked about how to speak up in a meeting. So let’s make it a 2-part series to help you use your voice and speak up at work. This week, we’ll cover how to talk with someone intimidating.
With the rise of remote work, online classes, and hybrid everything, it’s understandable if we’re all a little rusty when it comes to speaking face-to-face with people in authority--bosses, professors, overbearing in-laws, or anyone we find intimidating.
So how might you approach someone intimidating IRL to ask for a raise, give feedback, ask a question at office hours, or otherwise deal with someone aggressive, powerful, or with bulging forehead veins? You’re in the right place--check out these 4 ideas:
Tip #1: Know the signals.
Intimidating people use body language to signal their dominance. It may be unintentional, or, more likely, they know exactly what they’re doing.
One of the classics is The Head Tilt. A fascinating study from the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that tilting your head up or down increases your face’s width-to-height ratio, which is linked to greater intimidation. This is why your boss peering over her reading glasses at you sends a bolt of electricity down your spine.
Other intimidating signals include:
It’s not fun to be on the receiving end of any of these, but if you know the signals, it’s like having a decoder ring. Looking for the signs and labeling them puts you on the offensive. In your head, channel your inner David Attenborough: “The silverback boss laces his hands behind his head in an attempt to appear larger.”
Tip #2: Use a variation of the old “picture them in their underwear” advice.
Counter your professor’s over-the-glasses stare with your imagination and a little bit of healthy rebellion. Humanize them in your mind's eye by picturing them belting Beyonce into their hairbrush, holding a balloon on a string, eating a meatball sub, or wearing a clown nose. This allows you to see them as human rather than superhuman, which in turn lets you focus on why you’re there, rather than putting all your energy into self-protection.
Tip #3: Use your body language to set the tone
You get to use your body to set the tone, too. We’re social animals, and our instinct in the face of dominance and intimidation is to signal our deference so we don’t get hurt. Our voice might get high and sing-songy, or we might make ourselves smaller, clasping our hands and crossing our knees. It makes sense, except when it keeps us from being taken seriously or otherwise undermines our competence.
Now, you don’t have to full-on “power pose” in your boss’s office. But you can square your shoulders, lean back, and keep your gaze steady. When you approach with dignity and self-respect, you send that very message not only to your boss, professor, or interviewer, but also to yourself.
Tip #4: Prepare, but stop short of overpreparing.
When we feel anxious or scared, we tend to go to one of two extremes.
One is we avoid (e.g., “I’ll do it later;” “I’ll work on this other thing that makes me feel competent;” “Ooh, I’ll eat this donut….mmm...donuts.”)
Alternatively, we go all in. So if we’re preparing to talk to someone intimidating, that might mean we write out a script, think of every single question they might ask, and rehearse take after take in front of the bathroom mirror. In short, we overprepare.
But then, if things go well, the overpreparation gets the credit. We don’t get the chance to learn that we didn’t have to go to such extremes.
Therefore, when you’re getting ready to ask for that raise, get your money back, or go in for that final-cut job interview, prepare, but stop short of overpreparing. Make a list of bullet points you want to make rather than writing out a word-for-word script, rehearse with someone you trust two or three times, but not dozens of times to the point of getting overwhelmed and exhausted. You’ll be ready, and you’ll get the credit.
If you enjoyed this episode, come join 8000 of your closest friends over at my Substack newsletter, How to Be Good to Yourself When You’re Hard on Yourself. (https://substack.com/@ellenhendriksen). It’s free, plus you'll find lots of resources for those of us who are wired to be our own worst critic. I'd love to see you there. Just search for How to be Good to Yourself When You’re Hard on Yourself, or my name, Ellen Hendriksen. And see you over on Substack!
Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team at QDT: Steve Riekeberg, who engineers the show; director of podcasts Holly Hutchings; Morgan Christianson in advertising; associate, Maram Elnagheeb; and Rebekah Sebastian and Nathaniel Hoopes in marketing. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.