Coercive control is deadly serious.
In part one of my series on coercive control, I discuss the signs of a coercive or controlling relationship, specifically the ways controlling partners attempt to isolate you from the world.
If you or someone you know may be in this type of relationship, please seek help. You can go to thehotline.org if you aren’t worried that your internet usage is being monitored, and if it is, you can dial 1-800-799-7233 for the National Domestic Violence Helpline.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a mental health question? Email us at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 929-256-2191.
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We are approaching Valentine’s Day, a time when we dip everything in chocolate and eat at expensive restaurants. But what if your love life is costing you more than a bouquet of roses? What if you’re in a coercive relationship that is diminishing your self-worth and distancing you from your family and friends? Between the various relationship questions y’all have sent me lately and watching Anna Kendrick’s new film April, Darling, I took it as a sign. In the next two episodes, we are going to talk about controlling relationships.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
In the film, Alice has to lie to her partner about a girl's weekend with her friends. Why? Because she is in a psychologically abusive controlling relationship. Many of you have contacted me with questions about your relationships as well. I want to be clear that domestic violence or intimate partner violence is not always physical. We have a tendency to rank the types of abuse that happens to ourselves and others and if there isn’t a physical or sexual aspect to the abuse we can sometimes minimize the impact. It’s critical that you understand that other types of abuse are just as harmful and can lead to mental health outcomes like depression, suicidal ideation, and PTSD.
With that being said, let’s talk about the broad definition of what coercive control is. Coercive control is a pattern of behaviors that includes threats, humiliation, intimidation, and other forms of abuse—sometimes physical—to gain power and control over another person by systematically eroding their self-worth and taking away their independence. Coercive control is considered a critical predictive factor of physical and/or sexual IPV—intimate partner violence. Coercive control can precede, motivate, or increase the likelihood of other forms of violence in relationships, particularly when coercive control does not achieve the desired effect. Other research found that coercive control in an abusive relationship escalated the risk of fatality by nine-fold. Additionally, cases involving coercive control were more likely to result in serious harm than cases involving discrete acts of physical violence. Remember that controlling another person is at the root of all abusive relationships including those that are physically violent.
The point? Coercive control is deadly serious. Its impact ranges from annihilating your psyche and ruining your life to laying the groundwork for conditions that could end your life altogether.
There are many tactics used to control others—I’ll go over many of them next week, but today I wanted to focus on isolation. A controlling person often feels threatened by the other connections in your life and wants your existence to evolve completely around them. At first, a partner wanting you all to themselves can feel romantic and the intensity of what you are falsely calling love may be intoxicating. But you should be on the lookout for some early warning signs that their behavior has more to do with control than love.
They may begin by systematically cutting off your contact with others. They may start to limit or monitor your phone calls and other communication, insist on having access to your social media and email accounts, and encourage you to only speak to others when it doesn’t conflict with your time with them. They can also insist on joining in on activities that were previously enjoyed alone like routine shopping or spending time with friends. They may try to interfere with your work by asking you to call in sick frequently or calling you frequently throughout the day. This can escalate to showing up at your work or embarrassing you in some way with your co-workers, or even lead to you being fired which can further increase your isolation.
A coercive person can also isolate you through money in a wide variety of ways. They can deny you access to money for basic needs and can take away money through threats and sometimes theft. They may demand that you pay for everything (e.g. rent, utilities, food). They may insist that you deposit your entire paycheck into a joint account and then allow you to have very little of the money you earned. They may require you to run every little charge past them first while spending money on whatever they want without question. They might even purposefully ruin your credit score so it's harder for you to financially separate from them in the future. Sometimes a controlling person provides their partner with money and an opulent lifestyle you could never afford on your own, but it comes with a hefty price. You have to submit to their every desire.
Another form of isolation is through attempting or threatening to ruin your reputation and relationships with others. An example I’ve seen far too often is revenge porn. I’ve had patients who have allowed their partner to film their sexual encounters or they were filmed without their knowledge and their partner threatened to release the video if they left the relationship.
Those that are coercively controlling are often in an almost constant state of jealousy. Their extreme jealousy can make it difficult for you to interact normally with others and impair your relationships. A controlling partner might accuse you of flirting or being involved sexually with friends or coworkers. They may tell you that another person wants to date you or have sex with you but you’re “just too stupid to notice.” Women in these types of relationships often report having to be meticulous about what they say and do, including how they dress and apply makeup, so as not to provoke their partner’s jealousy.
You can begin to see how this tactic of isolation can make someone extremely reliant on the abusing party. People in these relationships can feel like hostages. The isolation can be confusing for them and they can start to believe the worldview of their abuser as their ability to think for themselves vanishes over time. I often think about the metaphor about the frog in the pot. If you throw a frog in a pot of boiling water, they will jump out. However, if the water is cool and you gradually turn up the heat, the frog will slowly boil to death.
Next week we will talk about more characteristics of coercive control and how they appear in relationships. In the meantime, if you or someone you know may be in this type of relationship, please seek help. You can go to thehotline.org if you aren’t worried that your internet usage is being monitored, and if it is, you can dial 1-800-799-7233 for the National Domestic Violence Helpline.
What are words of encouragement that you would give to someone who is dealing with a controlling partner? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.