Are you feeling lonely? Hear why making and keeping friends as an adult is harder than ever, and learn evidence-based strategies to build meaningful connections in a world that prioritizes productivity over people.
Are you feeling lonely? Hear why making and keeping friends as an adult is harder than ever, and learn evidence-based strategies to build meaningful connections in a world that prioritizes productivity over people.
Transcript: https://savvy-psychologist.simplecast.com/episodes/making-friends-as-adults/transcript
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson.
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We need to talk. Because a lot of y’all are lonely. You’re scrolling, hearting and liking your favorite creators, lurking in your group chats but still feeling disconnected.
Let’s name it: making and keeping friends is harder than ever, even though we’re more “connected” than any generation before us. It’s not just you. It’s the times, the trauma, and the tiny talk that never gets deep.
So, let’s unpack this. I’ll break down the psychological, societal, and emotional reasons friendship feels so hard these days, and then I’ll walk you through real strategies to build meaningful connections without the awkward icebreakers or pretending you love whatever the latest microtend is.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Let’s start with the facts: According to a 2021 Survey Center on American Life study, the number of Americans who say they have no close friends has quadrupled since 1990. And men in particular? A whopping 15% reported having zero close friends. For women, it’s not quite as dire—but still rising.
Why? Because we’re in a friendship recession. One that’s being fueled by individualism, overwork, digital overload, and some good ol’ fashioned emotional fatigue.
But let’s zoom in on the reasons—psychological and societal—that are making this so real.
Raise your hand if you feel guilty hanging out with a friend when your to-do list is still screaming in your brain. Yeah. That’s the toxic cocktail of capitalism and hustle culture.
We were taught that success = grind, and relationships? That’s “optional.” But friendship isn’t a luxury—it’s a biological need. Studies show that meaningful social connection is as essential to your health as food or sleep. Chronic loneliness can even raise your risk of early death by 26% (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015).
But when the culture says, “You can rest when you’re dead,” it’s no wonder we think “catching up” is something that belongs on a calendar invite once a year.
Listen—I love a good meme exchange as much as the next person. But let’s not pretend that sending fire emojis under someone’s Instagram Story equals real intimacy.
Social media gives the illusion of closeness, but it often replaces the vulnerability and reciprocity that deep friendship requires. Instead of sharing our real struggles, we curate a feed of wins. We compare our behind-the-scenes to other people’s highlight reels and wonder why we feel left out.
There’s a term for this: “ambient intimacy.” It’s when you feel like you know someone because you follow their life online—but you’ve never had a real conversation.
Real connection can’t survive on likes alone.
Remember in college, when making friends was as easy as sitting next to someone in psych class and asking, “Did you do the reading?” (Even though we both knew you didn’t).
But in adulthood? Friendship becomes DIY. There’s no more homeroom, dorm mixers, or mutual trauma over group projects. Now it’s meetings, bills, caregiving, and “let’s try to meet up sometime” texts that go nowhere.
And for my neurodivergent folks or anyone managing anxiety, depression, or ADHD—just coordinating a plan, or even texting someone back, can feel like climbing Mount Everest in flip-flops.
We are living through collective grief. Between the pandemic, political polarization, social injustice, and climate dread—it’s been a lot. Many people are emotionally tapped out. And when you’re burned out, the idea of initiating friendship can feel like one more task you don’t have the bandwidth for.
Psychologically, we also carry what’s called “rejection sensitivity” especially if we’ve been hurt in past friendships or marginalized in social settings. …This is common in people with histories of trauma, social anxiety, or ADHD.
So, we keep it surface-level. We ghost instead of explaining. We tell ourselves, “They probably don’t want to hang out anyway.” And just like that, we sabotage the very connection we crave.
Let me say this louder for the folks in the back: Friendships matter just as much as romantic relationships. Sometimes even more.
But media, religion, and culture have trained us to center our lives around finding “the one,” leaving friendship as an afterthought. Even in therapy, we talk about breakups more than best friend fallouts—despite research showing that losing a close friend can be just as devastating as a romantic loss.
We need to reframe friendship as a primary relationship, not a side dish.
Now that we’ve discussed some of the factors that get in the way of making friends, let’s switch gears. Here’s how to get started with a few baby steps.
You don’t need a three-hour deep talk to begin a connection. Start with micro connections—like complimenting a coworker, DM’ing someone about their IG post, or texting someone you haven’t talked to in a while just to say you thought of them. Quite honestly, I recently bonded with someone over rocks. Yes, you heard it, rocks. I have taken to going on walks and if I see a rock I like for my garden I pick it up. I was talking to someone the other day and we both realized we enjoyed gathering rocks and working in our garden.
We often think of rituals in romantic relationships (date night, anniversaries), but they work wonders in friendships, too. Find one small thing you can do regularly with someone—monthly potluck, weekly walks, voice notes every Sunday and commit to it.
For example, I am a horror movie fan and a few of my best friends get together on Zoom once per month and watch movies and talk smack. It’s a good time and we’ve been fairly consistent with it since the pandemic.
Joining groups or communities centered around shared interests gives you built-in conversation starters. And yes, that includes online communities if they’re emotionally safe, but I’m also going to encourage you to go outside and meet people in real life.For example, join a local book club or hiking group. Even if you don’t find your best friend immediately, you’re building your friendship muscles—showing up, being seen, and practicing connection. I’ve been connecting with a new gym community and they’ve recently invited me to a surprise party and a beer run they are doing over the summer. I’ve been going to this gym for almost a year and it’s starting to pay off!
This is vulnerable, but game-changing. Let someone know that you’re looking to build more connection. One of my oldest friends did this with me in college. We were working together and would shoot the breeze at work. He got it in his mind that I’m the type of person he wanted to be friends with. So, he came up to me iPod in hand and used that as an in to start a conversation with me. We began having deeper conversations about music and movies and eventually he let me know he liked my energy and wanted to try to build a friendship. We started hanging out outside of work and eventually went on road trips together where it deepened our relationship even further. Shooting your shot isn’t only for romantic relationships.
Not every friendship needs to be built from scratch. Sometimes, reaching out to an old friend is easier than starting fresh. And we all have that person who we lost touch with because life got away from us. If the relationship was left on good terms, you could totally reach out. For example, “I was just thinking about that summer we went to that terrible music festival that didn’t have enough porto-potties for everyone and you acted as my lookout while I went in a bush. I remember how much you made me laugh. Miss you. Want to catch up?”
Deep friendships don’t happen overnight. They’re built over time, with consistency, care, and mutual investment. Not everyone you vibe with will become your forever friend and that’s okay. Friendships will have ups and downs as well, like any relationship. However, if you put the work in, you can have friendships that stand the test of time. It blows my mind all the time when I realize I’ve been friends with someone for 20 years.
If you’re feeling lonely, struggling to make or keep friends, or wondering if something’s wrong with you, there’s not. It’s legitimately hard and aspects of our daily living make it even more difficult. But all of this can change with consistent effort and patience. So, please text that person, go to that meet up, share a small detail about yourself instead of being quiet. Some of the greatest stories in life start with a smile, a hello, and a question about who is your favorite member of that K-Pop band. And yes, there are wrong answers.
If you have a best friend, how did you meet them? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @kindmindpsych or via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.
The Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. It's audio engineered by Steve Riekeberg (RICKy-berg). The Director of Podcasts is Holly Hutchings. Our Podcast and Advertising Operations Specialist is Morgan Christiansen, and Nathaniel Hoopes is our Marketing contractor. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. That's all for this episode of Savvy Psychologist. Thanks for listening! I'll see you next week.