Let’s discuss more tactics and signs that you may be in a coercive relationship.
Following up on last week’s episode, we learn more common tactics and signs of coercive and controlling relationships.
If you or someone you know may be in this type of relationship, please seek help. You can go to thehotline.org if you aren’t worried that your internet usage is being monitored, and if it is, you can dial 1-800-799-7233 for the National Domestic Violence Helpline.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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This week we are going to continue our discussion about coercive control in relationships. If you missed part one, go back and listen to last week’s episode before this one.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Last week, I introduced the concept of coercive relationships and focused on one tactic that people use to assert control in a relationship: isolation. This week, let’s discuss more tactics and signs that you may be in a coercive relationship.
A common tactic used in coercive relationships is micromanaging and rigid rule setting in the relationship. Rigid rules often create an environment where the victim lives in fear of making a mistake. This type of control can manifest itself in a variety of ways such as rules around how you dress, what you eat, and who you are allowed to spend time with. If you’re the primary homemaker, your partner may have excessive rules about how the house should be kept at all times. You may be in situations where you need to be ready to entertain their friends at a moment's notice.
Keep in mind that everything is about obeying the other person. There is little regard for your emotional state, preferences, or well-being. For example, you may be ill with COVID, but your partner still expects you to cook a 4-course meal for his friends and be on your best behavior. And while the rules are rigid, sometimes they are simultaneously vague with statements like “never make me angry,” or “I expect you to know what I want without me telling you.” Another common rule that I hear is related to sex. You should be ready to have the type and amount of sex they want on demand, again, regardless of what your desires may be in terms of the sexual relationship.
Which brings us to physical or sexual abuse. Again, I want to repeat my message from last week that it is not necessary for physical or sexual abuse to be present in these types of relationships. Additionally, victims may question whether or not the physical and sexual abuse occurring in coercive relationships is abuse. Controlling individuals may do things like throw objects, back you into a corner, grab your hair or wrist, put their hand around your neck without squeezing, and a variety of other physically intimidating acts. These behaviors may not leave bruises on your body, but have the desired effect of you feeling threatened. You might also experience other forms of physical violence like slapping, punching, or pushing.
When it comes to sex in the relationship, it can be confusing as well. I’ve had several women in long-term relationships or marriages ask me if it was even possible to be sexually abused or raped within the context of a relationship and the answer is yes, absolutely! Remember that enthusiastic consent is important whether you are in a relationship or not. Oftentimes in controlling relationships you may be with a partner who expects sex on demand without question. They may insist on sexual activities that you have previously stated you don’t want. Sex may be rough or painful in ways you don’t desire, and I’ve heard of victims being given substances so they are more easily coerced into certain sexual acts. Sex should be mutual and communication in this area is just as important as any other. If you’re finding that you don’t feel like you have the option to say no in your sexual relationship with your partner, explore the reasons behind this and what the feared consequences are for saying no. At times, we don’t say no because of hang-ups that we brought into the relationship, and other times it’s because we are afraid due to threats or potential punishments from our partner—which may be a sign of a coercive relationship.
Threats and punishments don’t exist in healthy relationships. The types of threats and punishments within a controlling relationship can vary. There could be open threats to harm you, someone you care about, or a pet. At other times, they may threaten to hurt themselves if you don’t do what they want. Other times the threats can be physical through actions like slamming doors, punching walls, or breaking things. All of these actions provide the message “do what I want or else.” Your partner may also say or do degrading and belittling comments and actions. This is often done to damage your self-worth and to establish superiority over you. I’ve had people tell me that their partner has said that no one will love them, that they are disgusting, or that they are lucky that the partner is willing to put up with them. When you combine this with the isolation that I mentioned earlier, you can see how these comments can start to feel true.
The final behaviors I will discuss today fall under the category of manipulation. When someone is trying to manipulate you, it means they are using deceptive methods to alter your perspective or behavior. Lying, lying by omission, or partial truths is one manipulative tactic that is used in these relationships. The manipulator may lie about their positive attributes to hide something about their past or to distract from or minimize current problematic behaviors. Many times, they will blame you—the victim—for their own actions. We’ve all learned a lot about gaslighting over the last few years and it’s a tactic that is used in controlling relationships as well. Remember that with gaslighting, often the intent is to make you doubt yourself or “feel crazy” which can in turn make you more reliant on the abusing party.
While this isn’t an exhaustive list, hopefully it gives you a better idea of how these unhealthy patterns can show up in your or someone else’s life. If you’re questioning whether or not you’re in this type of relationship, seek out more information. You can go to thehotline.org if you aren’t worried that your internet usage is being monitored, and if it is, you can dial 1-800-799-7233 for the National Domestic Violence Helpline.
What is a sign of an abusive relationship that you were surprised to find out? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.