Oversharing can feel like connection in the moment and like regret afterward. In this episode, Monica unpacks the psychology behind why we say too much and how to create healthier boundaries around self-disclosure.
Oversharing can feel like connection in the moment and like regret afterward. In this episode, Monica unpacks the psychology behind why we say too much and how to create healthier boundaries around self-disclosure.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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If you've ever walked away from a conversation or shut your laptop after a post and thought, "Why did I say all that?" — you're not alone. Oversharing is a deeply human impulse. As a psychologist, I've seen it in therapy sessions, on social media, in workplaces, and in nascent relationships. And while opening up can be healing, oversharing often leaves people feeling exposed, anxious, and regretful.
So, why do we do it — and how can we stop?
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Let’s talk about some of the psychology behind TMI’s or intimacy vomit as you will.
The Need for Connection
Humans are hardwired for connection. According to Social Penetration Theory (Altman & Taylor, 1973), relationships deepen through gradual self-disclosure. The problem? In a fast-paced, instant-gratification culture, we sometimes skip the gradual part. Penetration, regardless of the type, should move in a manner that is welcoming for all involved. If you slide into homebase without spending enough time on the 1, 2s, and 3s, you’re likely to strike out.
Emotional Flooding
When we’re overwhelmed — whether with excitement, sadness, or stress — we’re more likely to engage in what we psychologists call emotional dumping. Research shows that strong emotions impair the brain’s prefrontal cortex, which handles impulse control and decision-making (Arnsten, 2009). In the moment, oversharing feels like relief. The same way that picking at a pimple or a scab can be—however, like your dermatologist always tries to warn you about—it will likely leave a scar that you then have to spend 6 months dealing with.
Anxiety and Insecurity
People with social anxiety or low self-esteem may overshare as a way to seek reassurance or validation. Ironically, this often backfires. One study (Leary et al., 1994) found that people who frequently seek social approval may end up feeling more rejected when they disclose too much.
Trauma and Boundary Issues
Trauma survivors sometimes develop a blurred sense of emotional boundaries. In these cases, oversharing can be a form of unconscious testing — "Will you still accept me after I tell you this?" It’s a survival strategy rooted in fear of abandonment. That again–can be a self fulfilling prophecy. You’ve gone on 2 dates with this person, it’s unlikely that disclosing your childhood trauma is best at this point. If they decide to not date you any time around the disclosure, you’ll likely assume it’s because of this. Which may or may not be the case, but since you were vulnerable in this way it’s going to sting more than it would be if you hadn’t made the disclosure. Secondarily, it ends up serving as a confirmation bias—”See, I knew no one would love me if they found out.” When what is really happening is that you’ve unintentionally created circumstances that make it difficult for you to be proven wrong. For example, if I thought that men only wanted me for sex and I showed up to a party in the Whip Cream bikini from Varsity Blues that’s not really the best litmus test.
Now let’s briefly discuss the consequences of oversharing. Brené Brown, a researcher known for her work on vulnerability and shame, describes a vulnerability hangover as the emotional consequence of exposing yourself without feeling safe.
The regret usually stems from: fear of judgment, loss of control, feeling exposed or misunderstood, and the realization that the relationship wasn’t ready for that level of intimacy. As I tell my patients, you can’t unring the bell and the echoes of the disclosure may reverberate much farther than you would like. For example, let’s say you overshare online about your job and end up getting fired because you violated their social media policy.
Here’s are some of the ways I coach my patients to manage the urge to overshare — without shutting themselves off completely:
1. Pause and Ask: Why am I sharing this?
Try to catch yourself before speaking. Ask:
2. Use the "Intimacy Scale"
Think of self-disclosure on a 1–10 scale. Casual acquaintances might be a “2” — you can talk about hobbies or current events. Reserve your “9” or “10” disclosures for people you trust deeply, who have shown they can hold space without judgment.
3. Channel the Need to Share Into Journaling
Research has shown that expressive writing improves emotional regulation and reduces stress (Pennebaker & Seagal, 1999). When you feel like spilling, write it out instead. It satisfies the urge without the aftermath. Strangers and social media are not a journal. We are nosy, we listen, and we do judge.
4. Set Boundaries With Yourself
Healthy boundaries aren’t just about saying no to others — they’re also about saying no to the part of you that wants to sabotage your peace. Try scripts like:
5. Find the Right Audience
Oversharing is often a sign of not having the right place for your story. Whether it's therapy, a support group, or a trusted friend — everyone deserves a safe container for their emotions.
Oversharing doesn’t make you weak, needy, or broken. It means you’re human. But learning to share with intention — instead of impulse — is one of the most empowering skills you can develop. Not every part of your story needs to be told to everyone. Sometimes, keeping it close is an act of self-respect.
Do you have any tips for people who struggle with oversharing? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @kindmindpsych or via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.
The Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. It's audio engineered by Steve Riekeberg (RICKy-berg), with script editing by Brannan Goetschius. Our Podcast and Advertising Operations Specialist is Morgan Christiansen. Our Digital Operations Specialist is Holly Hutchings and Our Marketing and Publicity Associate is Davina Tomlin. Nathaniel Hoopes is our Marketing contractor. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. That's all for this episode of Savvy Psychologist. Thanks for listening! I'll see you next week.