546. Self-compassion sounds simple—be kind to yourself—but for those of us with a loud inner critic, it can feel surprisingly hard to put into practice. This week, we’ll break down three truths that make self-compassion more doable and less fuzzy. If you’ve ever worried that self-compassion means lowering your standards, let this week’s episode (kindly) change your mind.
546. Self-compassion sounds simple—be kind to yourself—but for those of us with a loud inner critic, it can feel surprisingly hard to put into practice. This week, we’ll break down three truths that make self-compassion more doable and less fuzzy. If you’ve ever worried that self-compassion means lowering your standards, let this week’s episode (kindly) change your mind.
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Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your interim host, Dr. Ellen Hendriksen. For the next few weeks, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Self-compassion intuitively sounds great. And in a challenging and competitive world, who couldn’t use a little more compassion for themselves?
The data say it’s great, too, like a meta-analysis of more than 16,000 people over nearly 80 studies that found a robust connection between self-compassion and well-being.
Formally defined, self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness and understanding in the face of failures or shortcomings instead of being harsh or critical of yourself. It seems simple enough, but, like “confidence” or “authenticity,” self-compassion is one of those things that’s easy to understand, but waaay harder to implement in real life.
Those of us with a strong inner critic have a particularly hard time with self-compassion. Why? Self-compassion, as defined by researcher Dr. Kristen Neff, consists of three components: self-kindness, non-judgmental mindfulness, and connection to the larger human experience.
But those of us who are wired to be our own worst critics are reverse-threaded on all three of those things: we’re tough on ourselves rather than kind, faultfinding rather than non-judgmental, and see our struggles as shortcomings that isolate us rather than common experiences that connect us to others. In short, self-compassion is the opposite of self-criticism in not one, but three ways. No wonder we faceplant when we try it.
Therefore, this week, let’s cover three truths about self-compassion that helped me understand and implement self-compassion in both my clinical practice, and life. I hope they’re helpful to you, too.
Truth #1: Self-compassion starts with turning towards our own pain, stress, and anxiety rather than avoiding it.
It sounds so basic, but when I heard it presented this way, it was like seeing it written in the stars.
Self-compassion has two steps: first, approaching our own distress, and second, asking, “What do I need here?” “What would be helpful?”
Picture an old-fashioned butler with a white cloth draped over their forearm. They pick up on your body language or facial expression—they intuit you need something. Then they approach and ask, with a regal bow, “How can I help you?”
This is not what those of us with tough inner critics typically do. Usually, when we start to spiral, feel inadequate, or our inner critic gets loud, we move away from our pain. We procrastinate, get caught up in worry or rumination, distract ourselves with scrolling or stress-eating, or otherwise disengage. Self-compassion is different—it’s turning toward our distress. It’s a willingness to engage in order to offer ourselves care.
Truth #2: Self-compassion isn’t just talking to ourselves like a good friend.
Self-compassion is often described as talking to ourselves as we’d talk to a friend. It harnesses our tendency to be kind and supportive to others. This can work wonders, but it’s not for everyone. When I used to try to guide self-critical therapy clients through this technique, they’d start off kind but quickly utter the un-magic word, “but,” and negate all their newfound self-compassion, like, “This is a big challenge and you’ve been working so hard, but you really should have known better.”
Thankfully, self-compassion can go beyond self-talk. Specifically…
Self-compassion can be actions. Self-compassion can be taking time to savor our coffee in the morning, prioritizing enough sleep, asking for help, or making ourselves go to the gym because we know from experience we’ll feel better after a few rounds with a kettlebell.
Self-compassion can be permission not to take action. Self-compassion can be permission to rest. Permission to slow down. Permission not to do all the things we expect of ourselves. Indeed, self-compassion can be allowing ourselves to skip the gym because what we need more than a few rounds with a kettlebell is an hour of rest.
Self-compassion can be permission not to meet our standards all the time. In a study in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, researchers asked undergraduate women to eat a donut and then participate in what was described as a taste test of different candies. Some of the women, after eating the donut, were surreptitiously offered a stealth compassion intervention by the researcher, who said, “Several people have told me that they feel bad about eating donuts in this study, so I hope you won’t be hard on yourself. Everyone eats unhealthily sometimes, and everyone in this study eats this stuff, so I don’t think there’s any reason to feel really bad about it.”
Now, you’d think the women who received some kind understanding would feel let off the hook and indulge—a what-the-hell effect. But it was the opposite; the women who got a shot of compassion, even just in casual conversation, ate significantly less candy than those who didn’t get the understanding statement.
The conclusion? Far from being self-indulgent, self-compassion helps us stay on track.
Truth #3: Treat yourself like a sunset, not a math problem.
Finally, here is a question that made me understand self-compassion at a conceptual level.
Are you a math problem or a sunset?
Wait, what? Well, this question comes from Dr. Kelly Wilson, professor emeritus at the University of Mississippi and bigwig in a therapy orientation called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
Here’s what his question implies: A math problem needs to be solved. It takes work. We need to expend time and energy making it better. It’s exactly that: a problem.
By contrast, we appreciate the sunset. We observe what’s there and say, “Oh, wow!” “How beautiful!” “Nice!”
Importantly, we don’t look at the sunset and try to improve it. No one thinks, “You know, this would be great if there was a little more orange.” Or “What’s up with these clouds? They could be puffier if they just tried harder.”
Think about a time someone treated you like a math problem. Maybe they gave you a lot of unsolicited advice, took over a task you were in the middle of, or nitpicked you under the guise of “I’m just trying to help.”
How did it feel to be treated as a math problem?
What happens when we treat ourselves that way?
Of course, keep setting goals. Keep learning and moving forward. But to that spirit of self-improvement, add some appreciation. Remember to give yourself a little of the sunset treatment of,“Oh, wow!”
To sum it all up, self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook or settling for less—it’s about changing the tone of your relationship with yourself.
Just like these three truths helped me understand self-compassion better, I hope they also help you turn toward your pain instead of away from it, respond with whatever form of care you need, and appreciate yourself without always trying to fix something. In fact, this week, see what happens when you offer yourself just a little more of the sunset treatment.
If you resonated with this episode, there's way more on my Substack, where you can find my newsletter, How to Be Good to Yourself When You’re Hard on Yourself. You'll find lots of resources, plus a kind, supportive community just for those of us who are wired to be our own worst critic. Come join us on Substack–I'd love to see you there.
The Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team at QDT: Steve Riekeberg, who engineers the show; director of podcasts Holly Hutchings; Morgan Christianson in advertising; and Rebekah Sebastian and Nathaniel Hoopes in marketing. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Next week, Dr. Jade Wu returns with more great sleep tips, so be sure to tune in for that!