Sexual desire naturally ebbs and flows, but when it disappears for a while, it can leave you confused, disconnected, or worried. Monica unpacks the most common reasons for low libido—and how to talk about it with your partner without blame or shame.
Sexual desire naturally ebbs and flows, but when it disappears for a while, it can leave you confused, disconnected, or worried. Monica unpacks the most common reasons for low libido—and how to talk about it with your partner without blame or shame.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Low libido is more common than many people realize, but it's often surrounded by silence, embarrassment, or misunderstanding. Whether it's a temporary dip or a long-standing issue, changes in sexual desire can affect confidence, intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. The good news? You're not alone, it's okay to talk about it, and solutions do exist.
Today, I’ll break down the common causes of low libido and offer guidance on how to have open, non-blaming conversations with your partner that nourish connection.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Libido refers to a person’s overall sexual drive or desire for sexual activity. It’s influenced by biological, psychological, and social factors—and it naturally fluctuates throughout life. When libido drops and starts to cause distress or impact relationships, it may be time to take a closer look.
1. Hormonal Changes
Hormones play a key role in regulating sexual desire. Changes due to:
High stress, anxiety, and depression can drain energy and diminish interest in sex. Mental health issues affect the brain’s chemistry, mood, and ability to experience pleasure.
3. Relationship Issues
Emotional disconnection, unresolved conflict, resentment, or poor communication can lead to a decline in sexual interest. In long-term relationships, sexual routines may also become stale or feel like a chore.
4. Medication Side Effects
Many medications can affect libido, including:
If you suspect your medication is impacting your sex drive, talk to your healthcare provider before stopping or changing anything.
5. Physical Health Issues
Chronic illnesses like diabetes, heart disease, obesity, or chronic pain can lower energy and libido. Fatigue and discomfort understandably affect sexual interest.
6. Poor Body Image or Low Self-Esteem
If you don’t feel good about your body, you might avoid intimacy altogether. Self-consciousness or shame around appearance can create a mental barrier to desire.
7. Lifestyle Factors
Lack of sleep, poor diet, sedentary habits, smoking, and excessive alcohol use can all reduce libido. These factors affect energy levels, mood, and hormonal health.
It’s important to normalize that sexual desire isn’t static. Everyone goes through phases of high and low libido, especially during life transitions like:
It only becomes a “problem” if it’s causing you distress or harming your relationship.
This might be the hardest part—but also the most important. Many couples struggle with mismatched libidos, and if left unspoken, it can lead to shame, rejection, or even relationship breakdown. Open communication helps build trust, intimacy, and problem-solving as a team.
Here are some tips to help guide the conversation.
1. Choose the Right Time and Setting
Don’t start the conversation in the middle of a sexual encounter or right after an argument. Pick a calm, private moment when you both feel safe and connected.
Try something like:
“There’s something I’ve been thinking about and I’d love to talk to you about it when we have some quiet time. Can we sit down later tonight?”
2. Start with Reassurance
Let your partner know this isn’t about blame or rejection. Make it clear that you care about them and your relationship.
For example:
“I love you and I want us to feel close. I’ve just noticed my sex drive hasn’t been what it used to be, and I want to talk about it with you so we can figure it out together.”
3. Use “I” Statements
Focus on your experience rather than criticizing or accusing your partner. This keeps the conversation open rather than defensive.
Compare:
4. Be Honest, But Gentle
You don’t have to go into every detail right away, but honesty leads to understanding. If the issue is stress, medication, or body image, share it to the extent you’re comfortable.
“I’ve been really stressed and I think it’s affecting my desire. It’s not about you—it’s something I’m trying to understand.”
5. Invite Them Into the Process
Let your partner know you want to work through it with them. This shifts the dynamic from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the issue.”
“Would you be open to exploring this together—maybe talking to a therapist or trying some new ways of connecting?”
6. Set Shared Goals for Intimacy
Sex isn’t the only form of intimacy. You can talk about what kind of physical or emotional closeness feels good to both of you during this time.
Sometimes, outside support makes all the difference. Consider talking to a:
Low libido doesn’t mean you’re broken or that your relationship is doomed. With care, curiosity, and compassion, it’s something that can be addressed.
In addition to talking to your partner and seeking help, consider these practical changes:
Low libido is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a human experience—shaped by biology, emotions, relationships, and life events. Instead of staying silent or letting resentment build, start a conversation. With empathy and teamwork, it’s possible to navigate these changes and come out stronger on the other side.
Your sex life is not just about frequency or performance—it’s about connection, pleasure, and mutual understanding. And that starts with a courageous, kind conversation.
What other sex and relationship topics would you like me to cover? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @kindmindpsych or via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.
The Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. It's audio engineered by Steve Riekeberg, with script editing by Brannan Goetschius. Our Podcast and Advertising Operations Specialist is Morgan Christiansen. Our Digital Operations Specialist is Holly Hutchings and Our Marketing and Publicity Associate is Davina Tomlin Nathaniel Hoopes is our Marketing contractor. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. That's all for this episode of Savvy Psychologist. Thanks for listening! I'll see you next week.