Is beauty really in the eye of the beholder — or the brain of the perceiver? This week, Monica explores the psychology of attraction, why we’re drawn to certain people, and how looks are only part of the equation.
Is beauty really in the eye of the beholder — or the brain of the perceiver? This week, Monica explores the psychology of attraction, why we’re drawn to certain people, and how looks are only part of the equation.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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As a psychologist, one of the most fascinating questions I regularly encounter is: what makes someone attractive? While people often assume it's all about physical appearance, psychological research paints a far more nuanced picture.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Let’s start with the obvious: physical appearance. Decades of research show that certain physical traits are universally found to be attractive. Symmetry, for instance, is widely regarded as a sign of genetic fitness (Rhodes et al., 2005). People with symmetrical faces tend to be rated as more attractive across cultures. Another factor is "averageness," or how closely a person's features resemble the population average. This might sound counterintuitive, but faces that are mathematically average tend to be perceived as more attractive.
Clear skin, shiny hair, and other indicators of health also play a role. For example, in evolutionary psychology, a woman’s waist-to-hip ratio is considered a sign of fertility (Singh, 1993). For men, a V-shaped torso—broad shoulders tapering to a narrower waist—is associated with strength and vitality. Height, especially in men, is often correlated with attractiveness, likely due to social and evolutionary factors.
However, it’s important to remember that beauty standards are not static. They evolve with cultural norms and media portrayals, and there’s considerable variation depending on individual preferences and life experiences. We can see right now how we are transitioning from the age of curves and the BBL to being lean and the rise of GLP-1s like ozempic.
While physical traits often initiate attraction, they’re only part of the story. As relationships progress, psychological characteristics take center stage.
One of the most powerful of these is kindness. Time and again, studies show that warmth and compassion are universally appealing traits (Fletcher et al., 2004). They signal that a person is emotionally available and capable of forming strong, supportive bonds.
Confidence is another key factor. Not arrogance, but genuine self-assurance, often comes across as attractive because it signals competence and resilience. People are naturally drawn to those who seem comfortable in their own skin (Swann et al., 1992).
A good sense of humor also ranks high in attractiveness. Humor indicates intelligence and creativity, and shared laughter builds a sense of connection (Li et al., 2009). In fact, couples who laugh together more often report higher levels of relationship satisfaction.
Let’s not forget emotional intelligence. The ability to understand and respond to the emotions of others fosters deeper intimacy. People who are emotionally attuned often come across as more trustworthy and empathetic, qualities that are essential for long-term relationships (Brackett et al., 2006).
And then there's the principle of similarity. Contrary to the popular belief that "opposites attract," research shows we’re more likely to be attracted to people who share our values, interests, and even personality traits (Byrne, 1971). This similarity helps to validate our own worldviews and creates a sense of familiarity.
Our minds don’t just passively receive information; they interpret it, often in biased ways. This means our perceptions of attractiveness are influenced by several psychological effects.
One such bias is the halo effect. This occurs when we assume that someone who is physically attractive also possesses other positive qualities, such as intelligence or kindness (Dion et al., 1972). While not always accurate, this bias can significantly shape our initial impressions.
Another well-documented phenomenon is the mere exposure effect. The more we see someone, the more likely we are to find them attractive—as long as the interactions are neutral or positive (Zajonc, 1968). This is one reason why workplace romances or friendships that turn romantic are so common.
Reciprocal liking also plays a powerful role. Simply knowing that someone likes us can make us feel more attracted to them. This creates a positive feedback loop that can deepen mutual interest (Aronson & Linder, 1965).
Perhaps one of the most fascinating findings is related to misattribution of arousal. In classic studies, individuals who experienced adrenaline-inducing situations (like crossing a shaky bridge) were more likely to find their interaction partner attractive (Dutton & Aron, 1974). The brain misinterprets physical arousal (like an increased heart rate) as romantic or sexual attraction.
Culture plays a crucial role in defining what we consider attractive. Media, social norms, and peer influences all contribute to the formation of beauty ideals. These standards can vary dramatically across time and place. For instance, a fuller body type might be prized in one culture or era and less favored in another (Swami, 2015).
Scarcity and uniqueness also factor in. Traits that are rare in a given environment—such as red hair or a foreign accent—can be seen as especially appealing. This is because humans often value what stands out or seems exclusive (Haselton et al., 2005).
Status and prestige can amplify attraction as well. People are often drawn to those who are admired by others. This is related to the concept of "social proof": if others find someone desirable, we tend to assume they must have positive qualities (Cialdini, 2001).
So, what truly makes someone attractive? The answer is: it depends. Physical features may catch the eye, but psychological traits and emotional connection sustain interest over time. Our perceptions are also filtered through cognitive biases, evolutionary predispositions, and cultural influences.
As a psychologist, I find this complexity both humbling and exciting. It reminds us that attraction isn't just a matter of luck or looks—it's also about how we connect, communicate, and present ourselves to the world.
In a world obsessed with appearance, it’s empowering to realize that traits like kindness, emotional intelligence, and a good sense of humor often matter more than physical perfection. After all, real attraction is about resonance—that inexplicable sense of connection that goes beyond what the eye can see. Go outside and interact with people—who knows what you will find!
How are you dating differently in 2025? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @kindmindpsych or via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.
The Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. It's audio engineered by Steve Riekeberg, with script editing by Brannan Goetschius. Our Podcast and Advertising Operations Specialist is Morgan Christiansen. Our Digital Operations Specialist is Holly Hutchings. Nathaniel Hoopes is our Marketing contractor. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. That's all for this episode of Savvy Psychologist. Thanks for listening! I'll see you next week.