Breakups are tough, but you don't have to navigate them alone. Join Dr. Monica Johnson as she shares psychological insights on why relationships end, what pitfalls to avoid, and how to authentically heal and rebuild your life after heartbreak.
Breakups are tough, but you don't have to navigate them alone. Join Dr. Monica Johnson as she shares psychological insights on why relationships end, what pitfalls to avoid, and how to authentically heal and rebuild your life after heartbreak. This episode will give you practical strategies for emotional well-being and reclaiming your identity post-relationship.
Other episodes mentioned in this episode:
408 - 4 communication assassins that end relationships
409 - How to fight back against communication assassins
Transcript: https://savvy-psychologist.simplecast.com/episodes/what-to-do-and-not-do-when-a-relationship-ends/transcript
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson.
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Let’s be honest: breakups can be brutal. Whether you saw it coming or got blindsided by a “we need to talk” text, the pain is real. It doesn’t matter if it was a three-month whirlwind or a ten-year love story—heartbreak hits like a freight train. As a psychologist who’s walked many people through relationship endings (and experienced my fair share too), let me break this down with you.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist, I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
Before we get into what to do following a break up, let’s discuss some of the main reasons why things end.
1. Lack of Emotional Intimacy
You can be sharing a bed but feel miles apart emotionally. When one or both people stop being emotionally available, a wall builds. It might start with fewer check-ins or skipped date nights, and it grows into feeling unseen and unknown. Emotional disengagement is one of the top predictors of divorce and breakup. According to Dr. John Gottman, when couples stop turning toward each other for connection, trust and intimacy erode fast.
2. Poor Communication and Conflict Resolution
It’s not about whether you fight; it’s about how you fight. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling (the infamous "Four Horsemen") poison even the strongest bonds. Gottman’s studies showed that couples who consistently communicate with these patterns have a 90% chance of breaking up. I go in depth on these four communication assassins in episodes 408 and 409 of the podcast. I’ll link them in the show notes if you want to go deeper.
3. Mismatch in Core Values or Life Goals
You love each other, but you want wildly different things. Maybe you want kids, and they don’t. Maybe they want to travel the world, and you want a home base. Over time, love isn’t enough to bridge the gap. Shared values and life goals are critical for long-term compatibility and relationship satisfaction.
4. Infidelity or Betrayal of Trust
Whether it's emotional or physical, cheating shakes the foundation of safety. And while some couples heal, many don’t. Infidelity creates a deep wound that’s hard to patch up. It is one of the most cited reasons for breakups and divorce, often tied to unmet emotional needs and lack of commitment.
5. Unequal Emotional Labor
When one person is the therapist, planner, caretaker, and peacemaker, they eventually burn out. This imbalance shows up a lot in heterosexual relationships, where women often carry the emotional load.
6. Growing Apart
Sometimes the ending isn’t dramatic. It’s quiet. You change. They don’t. Maybe you grew more self-aware, started therapy, found purpose—and they stayed the same. The self-expansion theory says we’re happiest in relationships that help us grow. If your partner becomes a barrier to growth, disconnection follows.
Now because I’m a psychologist, I get a lot of exposure to what NOT to do following a break up, so let me break that down for you.
When the split has happened, you’re in the eye of the storm. This is a fragile time. Your brain is craving comfort, clarity, and dopamine. Don’t let it trick you into behaviors that slow your healing.
1. Don’t Beg, Bargain, or Chase
That compulsion to text, explain, or plead? That’s grief talking. Chasing someone who’s already left won’t restore love—it just delays your own closure. I know, I know—you’re saying, but I need them to give me closure. Here are two things I’m going to say to you. No, you don’t, and if they broke up with you—that’s the closure. They closed the door on the relationship.
2. Don’t Cyber-Stalk Them
Social media makes it too easy to obsess. Seeing their stories, new follows, or smiling selfies sends you spiraling. Protect your peace: mute, unfollow, or block if needed. This behavior is no different than driving by their house or finding out where they are going to be so you can happen to bump into them. These types of behaviors often prolong the pain.
3. Don’t Rush Into Hookups for Validation
No judgment on casual sex, but using it to fill an emotional hole usually backfires. You deserve more than momentary distraction or a fake power boost. But if you’re in your Dua Lipa origin story, do you in a safe and healthy manner.
4. Don’t Completely Isolate
Grief makes you want to shut out the world. While alone time is necessary, total isolation can deepen sadness. Let your people love you back to life.
5. Don’t Romanticize the Past
Your brain will play the highlight reel on loop. But remember why it ended. Keep a list of what hurt and what was missing to stay grounded in reality.
Now let’s shift into ways to help yourself through the break up!
1. Grieve the Relationship Like a Death
Because in many ways, it is. You’re mourning a person, a version of yourself, and the future you imagined. Cry. Journal. Scream. Feel it all.
2. Create Your Own Closure
You don’t need their permission to move on. Write a letter you don’t send. Talk to a therapist. Reclaim your story: What did I learn? What parts of me need healing?
3. Anchor Your Days With Routine
Heartbreak unmoors you. Routines can steady you. Morning walks, evening journaling, a daily affirmation practice—structure helps the brain and heart feel safe again.
4. Lean on Non-Romantic Love
Your friends, family, coworkers, or even that one cool aunt—these people matter. Let them pour into you. Laugh with them. Cry on their shoulder. Love comes in many forms and romantic love isn’t necessarily better than the rest.
5. Rebuild Your Identity
Sometimes we mold ourselves to our partners. A breakup is your chance to ask: Who am I without them? Take the class. Cut your hair. Travel solo. Explore who you are after this relationship.
6. Let Therapy Be a Safe Space
If you’re ruminating, can’t sleep, or feel stuck, a therapist can help. We hold space without judgment. We help you sort through the pain without rushing your process.
7. Use Affirmations That Don’t Gaslight You
Don’t force toxic positivity. Instead, try affirmations that acknowledge your pain and your power:
Unless you married your high school sweetheart and never looked back, breaking up will likely be a part of your story. Sometimes endings are the most honest, loving thing you can do. Whether the relationship was toxic or tender, it served a purpose. It taught you something. Explore that lesson and utilize that knowledge to deepen your knowledge of yourself, your needs, and what you can improve upon in your next relationship.
What’s your favorite break up song? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @kindmindpsych or via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com.
The Savvy Psychologist is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. It's audio engineered by Steve Riekeberg. The Director of Podcasts is Holly Hutchings. Our Podcast and Advertising Operations Specialist is Morgan Christiansen, and Nathaniel Hoopes is our Marketing contractor. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. That's all for this episode of Savvy Psychologist. Thanks for listening! I'll see you next week.