192. Whatever you call it—self-doubt, insecurity, inadequacy—it’s a universal phenomenon. We can all relate to feeling as insecure as a newly-launched cryptocurrency. Luckily, there is lots we can do. This week, Savvy Psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen covers how to feel better about yourself in the moment (plus what NOT to do).
192. Whatever you call it—self-doubt, insecurity, inadequacy—it’s a universal phenomenon. We can all relate to feeling as insecure as a newly-launched cryptocurrency. Luckily, there is lots we can do. This week, Savvy Psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen covers how to feel better about yourself in the moment (plus what NOT to do).
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Welcome back to the savvy psychologist. I'm Dr. Ellen Hendrickson and every week I'll help you meet life's challenges with evidence based research, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
So this week was a big week at the podcast because my first book, *How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety* hit the shelves. Yay! To celebrate, we will do the fifth of a six-week special series on all things introversion, shyness, and social anxiety, and talk about feeling insecure.
Because if your confidence is the consistency of jello, if you feel like a dandelion in a sea of orchids, if you walk through the world with an existential trombone accompaniment of wa wa wa, the good news is you are not alone. Whatever you call it—self-doubt, insecurity, inadequacy—it is a universal phenomenon we can all relate to.
Feeling as insecure as a newly launched cryptocurrency, insecurity even causes a unique form of amnesia. When we're stuck in the throes of insecurity, it's hard to remember ever feeling confident. Our memory becomes selective and any sense of ourselves as strong, self-assured or capable disappears faster than freshly baked cookies.
So how to salvage our confidence? Luckily, there are lots of things we can do. This week we'll walk through three things to try when you're feeling insecure. Plus we'll address two common go-tos that actually backfire.
So let's start with what not to do. It's gonna be great.
1. I can do it. I'm amazing.*
All the generic phrases we mutter to ourselves to try to psych ourselves up end up psyching us out. Why? Because they feel like a lie. Now, this will sound remarkably nerdy because it is. But think of it in quantitative terms: if you don't believe your self-affirmation at least 75%, it's probably not going to work.
Even worse, according to a study out of the University of Minnesota, if self-affirmation is followed by not-so-affirming performance, the letdown can deflate your motivation and cause you to give up on your goals.
2. Don't compare yourself to others.
By now we all know that social media leads to comparing, which in turn makes us feel lousy. The unfiltered ups and downs of our own existence—clipping coupons, waiting for the bus, picking up dog poo from the yard—don't stand a chance when compared to the filtered curated highlight reel of celebrities or even our friends’ posts of accomplishments, exotic vacations, and clean, well-behaved children.
But sometimes we forget that off social media the same thing happens in real life. We get intimidated by our beautiful put-together coworker at the office or feel resentful when our neighbor parks a brand new Land Rover in the driveway.
But just like we know that social media is a highlight reel, so is real life—or at least what parts of it others let us see behind the scenes. Everyone has issues. Your coworker may keep her body image problems to herself; your neighbor doesn't park his lousy marriage in the driveway.
You may not know what issues someone has but rest assured they have them.
**The Take Home:** Don't bother comparing. We don't have all the information on other people's lives so it's impossible to compare apples to apples.
Now if you need another reason to avoid comparisons, here is some food for thought: comparisons have been linked to narcissism—and it makes sense. Trying to figure out where you stand in a pecking order implies that you believe in a pecking order; that some people are better than others and by identifying certain signifiers we can determine who belongs where.
What's more, if you decide that you don't measure up, comparisons not only make you feel hopelessly inadequate but can also poison your relationships with resentment or envy.
And even if you come out ahead in the comparison, the conclusion that you're somehow better or that you win simply isn't very nice. Plus, the bump in self-esteem you might get by winning the comparison is temporary and it gets undermined whenever good things happen to people in your life.
**The take home:** Comparisons are tempting but ultimately unhealthy. So just as you try to keep tempting but junky food out of your diet, try to keep comparisons out of your head.
Okay, so if comparing ourselves to others and trying to reassure ourselves that we're amazing doesn't work, what does? What can we do when we're feeling as insecure as a retirement account invested in a Ponzi scheme?
We've covered the don'ts; now let's move on to some do's.
3. Do affirm your values.*
When you're feeling insecure remind yourself of who you are and what is important to you.
For example: my family and the support they give me is something I know is real; my faith is the foundation of my life; or a sense of humor is what grounds me and connects me to other people.
An important point: affirming your values is really different than self-promotion. Rather than creating a powerful or important persona, affirming your values is about taking a step back and reminding yourself who you are and what's important to you.
To be clear: we're not talking about performance; we're talking about values.
So an example of performance is "I'm a good student," whereas an example of affirming your values is "I strive for continual and lifelong learning."
In short: affirming your values affirms your whole self—not just one domain of your life—and places challenges into a bigger context which makes them seem smaller by comparison.
4. Do remember yourself at your best.
Another "do" is bringing to mind a memory of your best self. Think of a time you stood by a friend when no one else did; remember when you did a good deed with no expectation of reward; think of when you told the truth even when it was tempting to lie.
When you already feel insecure you tend to see the world as if it's working against you; little threats and dangers pop out from behind every corner.
But remembering yourself at your best makes you see the world more accurately.
To illustrate: a creative study in the journal *Emotion* found that study participants who brought to mind a time they failed or betrayed someone close estimated that a live but securely caged tarantula in the room was closer than it actually was.
On the other hand, those who remembered a time they helped someone close estimated the distance of the tarantula more accurately.
What's more: The greater self-worth participants experienced, the farther away the tarantula appeared.
Remembering yourself at your best doesn’t make the creepy threat disappear but helps literally put it in its place.
5. Do focus on being uniquely you.
Okay I know that sounds hopelessly clichéd but hear me out.
Too often when we're feeling insecure we try to copy someone else—we emulate a hero or model our performance on someone we think has it all together.
But by definition when we imitate we're just a mere copy of the original.
So instead of focusing on living up to a perceived standard focus on creating your own standard.
For example: say you're feeling insecure when hanging out with friends—you might be tempted to model your behavior after the friend who seems most confident or put together—but rather than simply trying to follow their trail focus on blazing your own path.
It doesn't have to be big spectacle—it can be very subtle—simply stay attuned to what you're curious about; what do you find compelling; what do you have to say?
Stay true to you and you'll feel more secure than a supervillain's secret lair!
To sum it all up—even Fort Knox has cracks in its foundation—insecurity is inevitable.
No place and no one is completely secure—from supermax prisons to Cheyenne Mountain Command Center—to that guy in your office with perfect teeth and CEO hair.
But you can minimize insecurity by anchoring yourself in your deepest values, moments of integrity, and unique self—your insecurities will seem as far away as that tarantula!
Thank you so much for making The Savvy Psychologist part of your life—and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support around my first book "How To Be Yourself!"
I've been really touched by your kind emails and I can't thank you enough for helping make the book a success!
Now some of you have asked what you can do to express appreciation for the show or book—and there is an answer:
Amazon reviews can make or break a new book—so if spirit moves you please write an honest review on Amazon!
Here’s how:
Search for "How To Be Yourself" then scroll down to Customer Reviews where you'll see yellow bar graph with tally of reviews—next to that is button saying "Write Customer Review."
Click that and tell world what book meant to you!
And finally—we have results from pre-order sweepstakes:
McRemo from Illinois won grand prize;
Lynn Chu from New York took home first prize;
Big congratulations both!
The Savvy Psychologist is strictly for informational purposes—doesn't substitute for mental healthcare from licensed professional.
Okay next week we'll wrap up our six-week series on introversion, social anxiety & shyness!
Next Friday we'll get awkward & cover what YOU can do feel less socially awkward & more comfortable!
Until then have lovely week—I’ll see YOU here next Friday for happier healthier morning!