Dr. Johnson reviews common therapy terms often used in modern society and explains how the use, and misuse, may be harming others.
In this episode of Savvy Psychologist, host Dr. Monica Johnson explains and corrects the frequent misuse of popular psychology terms such as 'toxic', 'triggered', 'trauma', 'trauma bonding', 'narcissist', and 'gaslighting'.
Savvy Psychologist is hosted by Dr. Monica Johnson. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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More and more I see patients coming in using “therapy terminology,” with no understanding of what these words actually mean in psychology. I am incredibly happy that more people are invested in learning more about mental health and being open about it, but I am not happy with terms being diluted to the point where they become meaningless. That’s why on this episode of Savvy Psychologist, I am going to break down terms that I hear misused ALL the time and tell you what they actually mean.
Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your host, Dr. Monica Johnson. Every week on this show, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment.
The first term we will discuss is “toxic.” Full disclosure, I was listening to Toxic by Britney Spears while discussing this one. This term is more generic, but since I hear it all the time, I am including it in the list. When we discuss a toxic environment or relationship from a therapeutic sense, it’s usually in the context of truly abusive situations where the injurious person in the environment may have the intention of causing harm. However, when folks use the word with me much of the time, they are using it to describe anything that they don’t like. And that is a definite misuse of the word! For instance, you may dislike the way your boss is communicating with you but is that because they are truly engaging in a problematic conversational style or did you not like what they said? Secondarily, in some of these so-called toxic situations, you (the universal you) may be the one instigating the unhealthy nature of the relationship dynamic.
Going back to Toxic by Britney Spears…the lyrics go “Baby, can't you see I'm calling? A guy like you should wear a warning. It's dangerous, I'm falling. There's no escape, I can't wait. I need a hit, baby, give me it. You're dangerous, I'm loving it.” I highlight this because sometimes I am talking to people who don’t see that they are creating the context for their unhappiness. Why are we chasing a situation that can bring us nothing but pain? Might be a deeper story there that has nothing to do with that other person or other environment.
Next up is “triggered,” and I have a personal beef with how this one is used. In today's verbiage, people have used triggered to describe any type of unpleasantness that comes into their day. By the purest trauma definition, being triggered means encountering a reminder of a traumatic experience; the reminder could be anything: an image, sound, smell, you name it. And this is followed by a response like flashbacks, panic attacks, or dissociation. When you are truly triggered, it often feels like the trauma is happening again or could at any moment. A classic example is a war veteran being triggered by the sound of fireworks and finding themselves instantly - mentally - back on the battlefield surrounded by danger. Being stressed, pressed, disgusted, etc are all natural normal human responses, but they are not the same as a trigger, from a PTSD/trauma lens.
I have had the fortune, fortune because I am humbled and honored that people allow me to support them in these moments, of working with people of all genders who have experienced sexual abuse and rape. I have a lot of feelings, thoughts, and internal reactions when I encounter this material, but “trigger” is a term that I reserve for the victim in these instances, and I don’t want to dilute the meaning of that for these individuals.
I have seen people say they were triggered by people who walk too slowly or people who were rude, and that is a different context. You saying that you can’t deal with someone being mean is the equivalent of your immune system giving up when faced with a common cold. So, unless you yourself are a victim of trauma OR work in professions where you are repeatedly exposed to vicarious trauma, please be mindful about how you use this term. When you watch media that gives a trigger warning, it’s actually intended for the people who have that as a part of their lived experience because if they are triggered, they may have a full blown PTSD reaction. For those of us who don’t have that as a part of our story, it is nice to have, because if I’m watching something and I don’t feel like encountering the topic of suicide today, I can switch to the next channel and keep it moving. If this still isn’t making sense, think about strobing light warnings for people with epilepsy. I may dislike strobing lights, they may even give me a headache, but that's not the same as triggering a seizure.
Which honestly is a good segway for my next term which is “trauma” or “traumatized.” This is the definition of trauma by the American Psychological Association: Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape, or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships, and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea.
From the work that has happened around complex trauma and as a psychologist who focuses on the compounded traumatic stress responses that can come from minority stress like being BIPOC, Queer, or a Gender minority, I’ll add that there are many ways that trauma can come into our lives. However, I also see people using the word to describe one off situations of embarrassment. For instance, they may have tripped and fallen down in front of a group of people and will then say they are #traumatized.
Now, you may say Dr. J, that’s just people being silly, and sometimes it may be. But I talk to people all day everyday, and people tell me these types of stories regularly and they are completely serious. Your bad day is not trauma, it’s simply a crappy day. Every organism on this planet was designed to deal with bad days and if we can’t cope with bad days we cease to exist as a species. This is why people joke about the resilience of roaches. No one likes them, they are killed on site and they simply keep coming back. If you find that you are having too many bad days, let’s look at how to reduce your bad days and how to increase your coping capacity so that if anyone or anything tries to show up and make your life worse, they are going to have a hard time.
To keep going with the theme, the next term to unpack is “trauma bonding.” In traditional trauma work, trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse. It occurs when the abused person forms a connection or relationship with the person who abuses them. A common example of this is Stockholm Syndrome. Another example is women who defend the men who abuse them. There have been so many times in my career where I am talking to a woman covered in bruises with her eye swollen shut, and 10 minutes later she’s at the bail bondsman office getting him out of jail. Other situations that may lead to trauma bonding can include: sex trafficking, elder abuse, or religious cults. What we’re talking about here is very different from the colloquial definition of “trauma bonding,” which usually entails two people meeting and releasing all the skeletons in their closets on the first date.
The last therapy terms I will mention are “narcissist” and “gaslighting.” I’m combining these two because they typically go hand in hand. I won’t go through the criteria of narcissism; you can listen to my episode on that topic. However, here is the definition of gaslighting from merriam webster: psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.
Someone simply lying to you isn’t narcissism or gaslighting. Did they cheat on you? Also, not gaslighting or narcissism. Comparing the insidious nature of gaslighting to some of the basic everyday jerk behaviors that people engage in is really a checkers vs chess scenario. At times, people are just dishonest, inconsiderate, selfish, or pick your adjective, but none of that necessarily adds up to gaslighting. It doesn’t change the fact that it hurts, but just because they cheated on you 12 times, doesn’t mean they are a narcissist.
You may have noticed at this point that many of the terms I’m talking about relate to trauma. That is because trauma (and a few other mental health-related topics) is trending and has come into public view, especially in the wake of the pandemic, George Floyd, and other national and global events of the past few years. As social comparison creatures, we want to fit in with what we see in the media. The issue is, we can begin to blur the definition of what something is to make it work for our experience. I want to let you know that it’s unnecessary. Your pain is valid and it doesn’t need to be extraordinary for that to be true. We need to be compassionate toward the people who firmly exist within these definitions and not dilute their experiences by misusing this therapy terminology in the pursuit of having our own suffering acknowledged.
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What’s your favorite Britney Spears song? Let me know on Instagram @kindmindpsych. You can also reach out to me via my email at psychologist@quickanddirtytips.com, or leave a voicemail at (929) 256-2191.